Making peace with some guilt

My husband is a sweet guy.  I received beautiful flowers at work yesterday, just because.  Those are the best kind right?  It certainly made me smile, and it certainly brightens up my cubicle.  Dare I say, it made me happy?  Yes, it made me happy and I smile every time I glance at them.  He always gets flower arrangements from the Brown Palace, where he used to work, and I have to admit, they do a great job at the flower shop.  I've never been disappointed. 

Did you know the pink rose was a symbol for healing?  I didn't know until just a few moments ago.  Perhaps it's suiting that I received some pink roses, since I feel like I made headway with one of my demons.  I received an email today from one of my co-workers, Jess.  She sent me the picture of a beautiful rainbow she had her husband take a picture of a couple of weeks ago.  It made her think of me and Preston and it was the most vibrant rainbow she ever saw.  She sent it to me just to make my day.  How sweet is that?

I took the opportunity to apologize to Jess.  You see, Jess is a new mom.  Her son, Connor, was born in early March.  I haven't met him yet, even though the opportunities have been there.  Being around newborns is difficult, particularly little boys.  Jess has brought Connor to the office a couple of times and both times, I just couldn't do it.  It's not because I don't want to, it's because I just really am not ready.  I don't really have a better way of describing it, you know?  Jess was so sweet about it though.  She wasn't upset with me at all for not having met him, or really even asked about him.  I feel bad about it.  I feel like I'm not being a good friend.  I feel like I should be able to put my grief aside and show my friend how much I really want to meet her son.  I really do.  My heart is just not ready for it though.  And Jess was so understanding and told me I shouldn't apologize for that.  That made me feel so much better.  It healed a little peace of my heart.  It brought tears to my eyes and I was even more thankful for her kindness, empathy and friendship when she stopped by moments later to give me a hug.  Thank you, thank you, thank you Jess. <3

The understanding Jess showed me today helped me make peace with this feeling guilty for not having met the newborns that are around me.  We have a couple friends that have had babies recently.  I have a cousin that is pregnant.  I have friends that are trying to get pregnant.  I have friends that are pregnant.  Pregnancy and babies are all around us.  Every day.  Whether it's with the people we know, or the people we come across on a daily basis.  On the train.  In line at the grocery store.  At the doctor's office.  On TV.  There's no getting away from it really unless you barricade yourself in your room under the covers.  And maybe sometimes you have to do that, want to do that, need to do that.  That's ok!! But, you can't hide from reality forever.  You have to face your fears sometimes.  I get up every day and deal with this fear.. this fear of coming face to face with a newborn.  A blond baby boy with blue eyes, about 4 months old, or younger.  And when I do, I admit that I don't stick around very long because it hurts.  I'm not trying to hide though.  Truthfully though, it hasn't gotten easier.  One day at a time.  One day, I will be there.

This little demon called guilt is always there when I think that I haven't gone to meet these sweet little babies.  I hurt because I'm not able to show my friendship to my friends and family because my heart aches.  With Jess' help though, I now see that they understand.  My friends understand that it's too painful right now.  The trigger of seeing, hearing babies, is just too much for me.  One day it won't be though.  I look forward to that day, but I have no idea when it will be.  I hope soon?  I fear that it might take a long time, but I hope not.  Time will tell right?

Do know, if you have a baby, are expecting a baby, or are trying to have a baby, I am truly happy for you.  Just because I'm not there yet, does not mean I don't care, or that I'm jealous.  Just because I can't be around babies right now, does not mean that I don't think about my friends every day; my friends and their babies.  I wish them happiness.  I wish them everything that is good.  Thank you Jess, for helping make peace today.  Thank you my friends, for your understanding.  Your patience.  Your compassion.  I've just let go of one demon - feeling extreme guilt for not having met my friends' babies.  One day, I will defeat his friend, the beast that won't allow me to keep it together when I see a baby.