I like to feed my mind with knowledge. I enjoy learning about history, or how to do something new. I like trying to solve a tough problem. I like coming up with options. For example, we once thought we should try to come up with ideas on how to save money. Brett and I both were to come up with a list of 15 things that could possibly help with savings. It took several weeks to come up with 15, but I did it, and several things did come handy. Other things are perhaps more of a pipe dream - selling a craft of some kind on Etsy, selling photographs, or writing a cookbook filled with Crohn's friendly recipes.
To me, thinking can be fun. I like keeping my mind challenged. Perhaps that's one of the reasons I enjoy my job so much. I work in accounting, and I often have to use math to ensure that we are paying the right amount or to reconcile an account. Most of the time, the math is really easy, but every now and then, it requires a spreadsheet to figure out. I love working in Excel, it just makes it so easy and helps me visualize the numbers by having them right there for me to see. I enjoy being able to find more efficient ways of doing tasks. My mind really helps me with all that, and I'm so thankful that I can think outside the box.
I've always liked puzzles. I've done them for as long as I can remember. Jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles, logic problems. They feed my mind, and I'm thankful that I enjoy them. Brett's grandmother, Grace was so sharp the whole time I knew her. She passed away last year at the age of 98. She watched Wheel of Fortune and was great at solving the puzzles. She loved crossword puzzles. We played Scrabble a few times. She won. I can only hope that my mind stays as sharp through old age. Grandma's mind, makes me hopeful that mine can too.
Nonetheless, always having something to think about can be exhausting. It can also keep you up when you are supposed to be sleeping, or trying to go to sleep. I am getting better at dealing with this, though I don't know that I'll ever really know how to shut off my mind. Come to think of it though, I don't think I'd ever want to be able to shut it off. Well, I take it back, there are days where I've needed to shut it off for my own sanity; to help my heart. There are nights where I wouldn't have slept if it wasn't for Xanax or Ativan. Some of those nights were in the hospital when I was really ill, others were after we lost Preston.
When I was ill in the hospital, I was basically glued to a bed for 7-10 days. Once the obstructions cleared and narcotics were no longer needed to help numb the physical pain, it was hard to be with my thoughts, staring at the wall all day. Thinking about what I'd done wrong... what I'd done wrong to "deserve" Crohn's disease. Thinking about how I really should have taken my meds when I thought I was fine and didn't need them. Thinking about how surgery was pretty much impending it's doom on my life. However, my thoughts also allowed me to make peace with needing surgery. My mind helped me realize that it was the only way to regain quality of life. It also helped me banish stress from my life.
After losing Preston, nighttime was very difficult. I had started going to bed earlier since Preston was sleeping more and not waking up at 2 or 3 in the morning. I had started being able to go to bed at 10:30 or 11. The evening was ours. I would feed him when I got home from work, and then we'd play a little and he'd take a nap, and then we'd do it one more time before bedtime. Having that routine ripped away from me without warning was difficult. It was a tough adjustment. I spent every minute of every evening thinking about what I should be doing. I spent hours reading quotes about loss, trying to find something to understand. A reason. But, there was no reason, and while it took awhile to realize, my mind helped me figure out something my heart will never understand.
There are days where my heart is stronger than my mind. Days where I need to search for a reason for why this happened. Days where I need to blame everything and nothing. Days where I need to be mad. Days where I need to cry. Days where I feel guilty. And because of my mind, I've learned that I have to let my heart take over sometimes. And I'm ok with that.
I'm thankful for my mind, because it will help me keep Preston at the forefront of my mind for the rest of my life. And while sometimes that will create some sadness, his presence in my life has made me a better person and that too, is something to be thankful for.
Doing puzzles at age 2 with my cousins. I'm the one in blue that's cut-off in the picture (on the left)
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