Was that you, my sweet P, this morning, when I was backing out of the drive-way and saw a bunny standing vigil on the right side of the house, and as I turned to the other side to ensure the coast was clear, there was another bunny standing vigil on the left side of the house?
Was that you, my ray of sunshine, when I caught a glimpse of a really bright light through the patio door, just a few hours ago, as the storm was moving away from our house?
Was that you, my little boy, on Mother's Day, when we got one of the biggest snow storms of the year? I really wanted to stay home that day and didn't want to go anywhere. Home is where I feel closest to you.
Was that you, my sweetie pie, who offered me rainbows on days when I seemed to need it most?
Was that you, my lovey dovey, who sent me a meaningful song on Pandora, right before Mother's Day (Song For Mama). And other days, was that you, when several songs in a row played one after the other, reminding me of you? Whether because I sang them to you, or because when I would hear them they would make me think of you?
Was that you, my happy baby, who sent my aunt a dream telling her my grand-mere was watching over you? And was that you, who was in my friend's dream, when she never got the pleasure of meeting you?
Was that you, when we received a gift from our insurance company for referring someone else to them, who sent a dime on the back of their business card? Finding dimes are supposed to be a sign from a passed loved one.
Is it you, Preston, who somehow lifts me up enough to keep going, even when it feels like part of me is forever gone? Is it you, who gives me a reason to smile every day, when it would be totally understandable if I never wanted to smile again? Is it you, who gives me this inspiration to want to help others, by sharing my true feelings, thoughts, emotions? Is it you, who gives me motivation to be a better person, work hard and live life to the fullest? Is it you, who has brought a lot of people closer to me, and made me feel really loved and cared about?
I wish I truly knew the answer to all those questions. I wish I could ask you, ask God, and have you or Him answer me back. But, that's not how faith works and that makes it incredibly difficult.
Since I did instantly think of you when all those things happened, deep inside, I do believe it was you. Maybe I only think that way because it gives me a reason to continue to feel close to you. Maybe I believe it because it gives me a reason to want to see tomorrow and hope that I get a sign from you. Maybe, even if I'm not entirely sure of my faith, I have more faith than I realize.
Whatever the truth is, my exceptionally special little one, you changed my life forever. When you entered it and when you left it. You made me a better person. You made me more caring, more understanding, and somehow more patient. You made me more brave and strong. You made me understand empathy to a whole new level. You made me appreciate everything around me so much more. You made me a mama, something no one will ever be able to take that away from me.
Our pastor came over one day and we were talking about signs from our children (he lost a son not too long ago). I said something along the lines of how blessed we were that our boys have sent us signs that were so blatantly them that I never thought for a second that it was anything else but them sending us messages. We both then agreed that what is truly great is that we are open to the signs that are being sent. I think so many people are given signs from loved ones but they are not open to receiving them. By keeping your heart open to signs from you boy, I think you'll see that he is with you every day.
ReplyDeleteI hope Conner & Benjamin continue to visit and send signs. They too, are with you every day.
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