Easter was difficult. It might sound ridiculous because Preston would have been 5 months old and too little to really understand the magic around Easter, but I really struggled. One of the reasons I had trouble doing the groceries for a couple of months was because of all the Easter decorations in the store. The decorations were constant reminders of all the Easter egg hunts I'll never have with my little boy. I won't get to teach him about Christ's resurrection and how he gave up his life so that we could have ours. He won't ever have the chance to believe in the Easter bunny and have delicious chocolates.
Independence Day is just around the corner and while it doesn't mean the same to me as it does to my husband, it's still a holiday that I was very much looking forward to. Last year at this time, I was pregnant with my sweet P. I was about 4 and a half months along. Hubby and I took a walk to our local park and there was a bunch of festivities. We immediately started planning bringing our baby here in 2014. Perhaps our friends would join us with their son. We'd hoped that our little boys would become best friends. We'd have taken him to the pool and I just knew he'd love the water like I do.
And just like that, those dreams have vanished. They no longer can be reality. It's really difficult to wrap my brain around it. Doesn't make sense. Preston should still be here because we did everything right. We were good parents. Unfortunately, life had other plans for us.
I don't really want to think about our birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Those will all be bittersweet. It's always been my favorite time of year, but I don't quite know how I'll get through it right now. I guess we'll figure it out just like we have the rest.
I know the tone of my post tonight is rather dark and sad. It wasn't really my intention when I started writing it, but I guess that's the beauty of just letting the words flow... you don't really know where it will take you but letting it all out makes you feel better.
Cherish your family time during those special days, whether they are holidays, birthdays or just days that are special to you for whatever reason. Make it a priority to have special family time if you aren't doing so already.
If you are reading this and are in my shoes, having suffered a significant, unexplainable, unimaginable loss, know that you aren't alone feeling like holidays are difficult. Just think of a happy time with that loved one, even if you have few to select from and hold on to those memories on rough days. Know that if you are sad, angry, anxious, scared, resentful, feel detached, or have any other feeling - it's normal. These special days are probably always going to be filled with grief. While you will eventually be able to feel happiness on these days, don't worry if it takes years or if you still feel a sense of sadness forever. Grief doesn't have a timeline and grieving for a child stays with you forever. You can't replace a child with another. You can't forget your baby nor should you feel pressure to do so - from anyone.
Big hugs going out to those who need it during this holiday weekend that's around the corner. Give yourself the gift of a smile during this possibly tough time. I will do my best to smile because Preston would want me to. I will do my best to smile because perhaps Preston can see the fireworks from heaven and while he would have hated how loud they are, he would have loved the pops of colors they create in the sky. I will do my best to smile by thinking about what could have been. While I'll never get to experience it, I'll always have the dreams we created last year and I can make it as perfect as possible in my mind.
We think of you every day little guy. May your memory live on forever and may your short little life show the world that true happiness does exist. You just have to let it in. <3
Hubby <3 Me
Preston :)
Time will tell how long this stays on the sidewalk. Fingers crossed that it's for a really long time.
Thank you
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