114 days

My sweet little boy lived a total of 114 days.  114 days of pure happiness.  114 days of feeling absolutely complete.  My sweet P has now been gone for 114 days.  114 days of fog.  114 days of disbelief.

 

I've been dreading this day for a long time.  I know, many will think I'm nuts for knowing how many days my little boy lived and figuring out when he'd be gone longer than he's been here.  Perhaps I am crazy, but I couldn't go on not knowing.  I'm his mom, I needed to know.  I needed to be able to be aware of when that next phase of my life would be here.  I needed to know for my own sanity and perhaps for my own healing.

 

I kept busy today.  We spent half the day with hubby's mom, looking at possible houses for them to buy in our area.  They are looking to move closer to us once dad retires.  They probably won't move for another year, so we would help them rent out the place in the meantime and we'd also help with the property management until they moved in.  We looked at several areas, all in our vicinity.  Most of the places were only okay, though I rather enjoyed seeing the inside of some houses that were really close to ours.  Nice to compare the layout of our house to those you know?

 

I did a bit of work in the afternoon and then we went to see a jazz show in the evening.  One of my hubby's colleagues was playing at a little café half an hour from our place.  He and his band were actually very good.  The music was really soothing and really kept my heart at ease despite all the strong emotions I was feeling.

 

I wish my little boy could have seen more than 114 days.  I wish I could have taught him more in his short 114 days.  I wish 114 days lasted forever.  Unfortunately, 114 days is such a small fraction when you think about a lifetime.  114 days is a quarter of a year, and a year flies by.

 

As this new phase begins, where my son's been gone longer than he's been here, I feel the need to share his life even more.  I feel the need to spread the word that SIDS is awful, and it's still happening.  I feel the need to get more people educated so that more people will care.  Maybe by breaking the silence behind SIDS, stillbirth and infant loss, we can find out what is causing babies to stop breathing, what is causing their hearts to stop breathing in utero, etc.  Perhaps if we find a reason, we can find a cure.

 

I wish no one had to live through what we are living through, but unfortunately many people walk in our shoes.  Many of these people can't voice their feelings towards these tragedies because they don't have a lot of support.  They are often left feeling like they should "move on" which is absolutely impossible.  You can't move on from something like this.

 

So, as I find a way to live through each day, I will continue to do my best to be positive as I slowly begin to heal.  I will continue to share my wonderful son with anyone who will let him in.  I will continue to spread the word on SIDS and attempt to help others through this journey, through similar journeys or help give a different perspective for others who haven't had as many hardships.  I will continue to try and get as many people to spread happiness each year on November 19th to honor my son.

 

So, if I can ask one thing of my readers tonight it's this: share my blog with one person this week (and this week can be any week if you end up reading this a month from now).  Share it with your sister, or co-worker.  Share it with your father or best friend.  Share it with anyone who might be open to read or someone who might be looking for a little positivity.

 

Thank you my wonderful readers.  Be well.