These people are very kind hearted and open about their feelings which can be very difficult to share, especially in a group of strangers...but we all share a deep grief and I feel like it really helps us feel more at ease with each other.
I'm often asked, "does the group help"? In actuality, yes, it helps quite a bit. Some months it helps more than others, but I always seem to be able to take something comforting from the sessions. I think what I took away tonight was that even 1 year+ out of losing your child, it is difficult for some parents to be in their child's room. That really brought me some comfort and means I don't need to push myself to be okay to go into Preston's room or feel like I need to be okay with it in 6 months. I don't need to do anything with his room until I'm ready.
Our subject tonight was "what other people say that can be hurtful". I've been really blessed to not have too much of that. I've had someone tell me, "well, if you can't have other children, that's God's will". No one ever said I couldn't have any more children... why would you say that? But this was just a few days out and I think I was still too much in shock to really react. Plus, I know this person's intentions weren't meant to be hurtful. I've had other people tell me, well he's with God, so he's in a better place. As wonderful as God is, I'm sorry, but there will never be a better place for my child than his mama's arms. Again, I really didn't say anything because it was kind of like, in one ear out the other... rise above, don't comment. If I ever want to say anything regarding Preston being in Heaven and it being "ok", that's my right because he was my child, but no one aside from me and his dad should be allowed to say such things.
Sometimes, silence is hurtful too. There was a couple that commented that their family never mentions their daughter, and it makes them feel like they've already forgotten about her. I can imagine that this would feel hurtful, but I do understand that sometimes, people just don't know what to say. Sometimes though, I guess that "I'm sorry I don't know what to say" can be more comforting than silence. So hopefully it's not that they've forgotten, but more they don't know what to say and are afraid to say the wrong thing.
I'm really thankful to have met the people in our support group. While I wish I would have met them under different circumstances, they've all had helpful comments. I'm thankful that parents who are 1 year out, 2 years out, 7 years out still attending whether for themselves or to be helpful to others. I feel like, I want to help others in my situation, and don't want to just attend to help myself, but to help them. Perhaps, everyone feels a little bit that way. I now think of Jeffery if I see a bumble bee, and think of Salem and Devlin if I see butterflies (please forgive me if I've misspelled their names :( ).
I'm thankful for the support group and I highly recommend you attend a support group for anything you are really, really struggling with. At least, try it out, because you really never know. The one on one counseling wasn't for me. I felt like I was just saying what I was thinking or telling my friends.
When you think about it, these types of groups haven't always existed. While the topic of child loss seems to be something very taboo within our society, I can only imagine that it was worse 50-100+ years ago. My grand-mere lost her 3 boys - one at age 8, one at age 4 and one was stillborn. I very much doubt that she had much of a release and/or talked about it much. And I feel bad that she didn't have that outlet. I wonder how she did it. Many people say I'm strong, but I feel like I have nothing on my grand-mere. I do wish I could hear her perspective and understand how she went on after each of those losses. So, really, if you need help with something, reach out. These support groups exist for a reason. Perhaps it won't work for you, but give it a try, just in case. Suffering in silence can really be tough.
In closing tonight, I just want to say thank you to everyone who's part of the support group. I shared my blog with them tonight and I hope to find out that they've read it, if not every day, on occasion. I want them to know that everything they share is so helpful for someone else's healing. The different perspectives, at one point, touch someone else because while no one grieves the same way, a lot of the emotions, and thoughts we have, experiences and fears we have, are shared at least by one person.
Below is just a picture (taken during my honeymoon) that brings me peace, much like I feel when I'm able to share in the feelings/thoughts of someone else living through a similar journey.
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