Clouds

Clouds have always fascinated me, much like the moon (that's another story).  They can take any shape and many colors depending on the placement of the sun, the temperature, the placement of the moon, humidity...  They float in the sky, weightlessly like feathers. 

The clouds "feel" different here in Colorado, at least it seems like it.  You be the judge based on just a few pictures.

This here is a picture taken from the balcony of my old apartment in Montreal.  Loved that place.  It was so peaceful, it was the perfect size and it was just mine.  I had a really great year living there.  A cloudy day wasn't rare in Montreal, from what I can remember.  There were many days like this one, many days of rain, many days of snow.  On snowy days, everything was so white and bright.  Can't say I miss shoveling snow off my car.  My car now sleeps in the garage, free from any snowfall.  I remember, many days, where I would lay in the grass, trying to find familiar shapes in the clouds.  A dog face, a dragon, a star.

The big difference with the clouds in Colorado, I find is that they seem so much closer... I guess we are living at 6000+ feet.  Must make a difference right?  It also feels like they move much faster.  I guess it's a perception thing, being so much closer to them than when you are down at sea level.  There are days where it really feels like you could just jump up and feel them, though that's usually right before a storm, or early in the morning if there's fog.  Usually when that happens though, I'm at the top of a hill, on the freeway, driving to the train station.  Not really a good place to try to jump up and touch the clouds.  Nonetheless, those mornings, nature is quite breathtaking.  I used to find it a little eerie, but the past several times I've seen it, it's made me feel peaceful and calm.

The sunsets and sunrises can also be rather breathtaking.  Either because of the clouds or because of the way the sun shines on the mountains or behind the mountains or even on the plains to the East.  I've been blessed to see several beautiful sunsets, some with a bit of mountain views, some dramatized by clouds.  I think those are the ones I enjoy the most.  It sounds silly, but I often think of Heaven being on top of the clouds.  I believed it as a child, and it's kind of stuck with me.  Realistically, I know Heaven isn't above the clouds; I've been above the clouds.  Who knows though, maybe Heaven is above the clouds in an alternate dimension... but how would we be able to stand on clouds?  When you imagine loved ones in Heaven, don't you think of them in their "Earth" body?  Ashes to ashes...  Are we simply spirits once we ascend to Heaven?  There are so many unanswered questions.  I dislike gray areas, and this is certainly one of them.  I don't want to learn a lesson from having lost my son.  I don't want "that" to be the "reason" he had to leave us.  But perhaps I need to start to be more open to ambiguity.  I don't like you ambiguity, but I will learn to deal with you more and more every day as it seems to be part of my world now, whether I like it or not.

There are many days where I look to the clouds for a sign.  Call me crazy, but bunnies, rainbows, feathers... they aren't enough.  I know I should feel extremely blessed that I am seeing so many signs, but let's face it, my arms ache for my sweet P.  My eyes constantly search for Preston's cherished smile.  My ears eternally listen for a gentle reminder of his cries or giggles.  Unfortunately some of these things I will only ever be able to see and hear through pictures and videos.  I have to be more open to subtle signs.  I've shared that I sometimes hear songs on Pandora, one after the other that are true reminders of Preston.  I've shared, how I immediately think of my son at the sign of bunnies, rainbows and feathers, for various reasons.  I think I even shared how Brett and I saw a cloud shaped bunny a couple weeks ago.  I have another cloud related sign I haven't shared.  I don't even know if I've shared it with anyone at this point.

It was several months ago, maybe right after I had started driving myself to the train to go to work.  I was on my way home and I was in tears, which was now a daily occurrence whenever I'd drive home.  It was really difficult.  I couldn't listen to music because every song reminded me of Preston, whether it was a love song, a sad song, a happy song.  I really struggled with the drive home because I used to be the one to pick up Preston from daycare after work.  Now I was simply heading home, with an empty car seat holder in the backseat of my car.  I had to drive by the dreaded hospital.  It really was difficult for a long time.  Quite honestly, there are days where it still happens. 

If I recall correctly, it was the same day that I'd gone to my doctor for a BP check up.  The same day I saw a lady wearing a maternity shirt I owed and wore with Preston, and the same day I saw one of the ladies that worked at his pediatrician's office.  I was upset, as stated above, and I thought, well these signs I've just seen, maybe they were just coincidences.  Signs don't really exist, is what I was feeling, which didn't exactly make me feel better.  So, I asked God, to send me another sign, just so I could know for sure that He was taking care of Preston.  That although my son was gone, I would get to see him again.  As I turned into my neighborhood, I saw a huge cloud with what looked exactly like Preston's two little legs and feet hanging below it - right in my backyard.  They were really big, and I knew they were his little wigglers.  There was no doubt.  I haven't been able to not believe in signs since then.  Alright, I have my moments of doubt, but that usually happens at low moments, and can you blame me?

I haven't seen anything like those two little legs and feet since then, not for lack of trying.  Perhaps such clear signs are reserved for terribly low moments.  Nonetheless, I won't stop looking at the clouds - for their beauty, for the wonderful chance of seeing a fun shape, for the eternal hope of seeing something so purely Preston.