A few days ago, I was chatting with another angel mom about vacations. She was struggling with going on an extended out of state trip. This means, she'd be away from her son's grave and it made her very sad; it was very difficult for her. As I was trying to cheer her up, I realized that, she needed to feel sad. She needed to feel angry that things didn't turn out how they were supposed to. She needed to feel hurt and frustrated.
In that moment, I just wanted to make her feel better, but as I took a step back, I understood that she just needed to vent. She just needed to release these emotions. She needed someone to listen and possibly someone to hug her. Even, as someone who's had a similar loss, I got lost in wanting to make her feel better. Sometimes, no matter what, we don't feel better. Sometimes, we need to hurt, cry or scream. And that's "normal". I don't like the word normal because after losing a child, nothing is normal. However, I think it's the best word to describe what I'm trying to say. Grief is so different for every one that "normal" to one person, can be totally different from someone else's "normal". So, if you know someone that is grieving and they seem to be struggling more than usual, offer them a hug. Offer them to listen. Perhaps offer words of comfort, but if you don't, just being there to listen can mean the world. There's not much that can be said to make things better anyway.
All this got me to thinking... how am I going to feel when I go out of town for more than 1 day? How am I going to feel when I have to leave Preston behind? I'll be going out of town to try to have "fun" but he will remain on our dresser in our bedroom in his little teddy bear urn. Should I take him with me? Would that be too weird? What if I do, and he goes missing? I haven't quite wrapped my head around all this yet, but I can tell you that whatever the answer I come up with, it will not be an easy one, or a pleasant one. There are so many things that you aren't prepared for when you lose a child. Probably because it's nothing you should ever have to think about.
We all have to make difficult decisions during the course of our lives. If I've learned anything, making a difficult decision isn't something you should do overnight unless you have absolutely no other choice. I'm not going out of town for another couple of months, so this gives me time to weigh my options and think about what would feel best since nothing will feel great. Difficult decisions shouldn't be impulsive, or made when you are super emotional. Difficult decisions should be as thought out as possible, so that's what I plan to do.
What are some of the most difficult decisions you've had to make? How do you deal with difficult decisions? Do you weigh the pros and cons? Do you go with what feels right therefore trusting your gut?
That is quite possibly the best advice ever. I dont think some people understand that the best thing to give a grieving parent is just time to vent. So many people believe that they have to have answers to problems and they want to try to offer words that will make someone feel better, but sometimes that just makes it worse. Time to grieve and a good friend who listens is invaluable.
ReplyDeleteWe had to make the decision on what to do with the boys' urn when we went on trips. I brought something of theirs with us instead of their urn. I didn't want something to happen to their ashes, and more importantly I didn't want the TSA to bug me about what was in their urn. We brought pictures of them and put them on in our room, or I brought their books with me. That way, it was like a part of them was with us. I never did this, but some people have urn necklaces where you put some of the ashes in a locket. You have some time, but whatever you do just remember that as long as you have him in your heart, you are never leaving him behind.