Another 19th, another milestone

Yesterday was the 19th of July and Preston would have been 8 months old.  I think it was a good thing that I was so busy yesterday.  Kept my mind occupied.  This doesn't mean I didn't think of my little guy.  So many things remind me of him that even if I wanted not to think of him, I would find a way.  But, I wouldn't want a day to go by where I don't think of him, even if it can be painful.

My day started with the fun task of cleaning our old oven since we sold it.  I had sprayed it with oven cleaner the previous evening hoping that it would make my life a little easier since using the self-cleaning function wasn't an option.  It wasn't as bad as I anticipated.  The oven cleaner really does work magic.  It was just time consuming and parts of it required awkward positioning.   Being short and not having the longest arms, cleaning the back of the oven was a little challenging.  Cleaning the "roof" of the oven made me a little light headed due to having my head upside down.  I kept having to go fill up a bucket of water in the backyard since the hose on the side of the house was out of the question for use.  If you remember, our basement flooded... it's because the pipe to the hose on the side of the house burst during the winter (not that we knew this until just recently).  So it was a lot of going up and down the stairs to the back of the house and back up with a heavy bucket of water.  Needless to say, I earned my treat of going to the hairdressers at noon :)

I did finally get my hair done.  The hairdresser was very nice and knowledgeable and she helped me decide on going with blond highlights, which I haven't done in several years... and we cut it shorter than I've had it in a very, very long time.  I like it, but I'm still adjusting to the change.  Now I just hope that I have more patience styling it than I did when I had longer hair.  I have patience for most things.  I get frustrated so easily with my hair, most likely because it doesn't come naturally to me...  I just wish it did what the hairdressers are able to do with it, lol.

Right after my appointment, we went to pick-up our friend, and drove down to one of his rentals where our old oven was to find it's new home.  The nice thing is, it's where Brett lived when I first met him, so it was nice to see the inside of that house again.  Good memories.  Seems like it was ages ago already.  After chatting up one of the tenants, and setting up the oven, we went to have dinner at Old Chicago's in Boulder, which is ironically the first place Brett took me to, and where we had our first date.  Nice nod to our beginnings, yesterday was.  After dinner, we headed up to the mountains to gamble it up playing poker.  The wait was long, so I got to go visit my favorite slot machine from last month.

The night wasn't as fruitful as any of us would have hoped, but I did have a good time.  I won a few hands, and met some nice people.  I was able to see "big cats" and think of my little guy on his 8 month "birthday".  I was able to have fun, and let go, even if just for a little while.

I was exhausted by the time we started driving home, and there was a lot of traffic for how late it was.  There had been a bad accident earlier on (we got caught in that traffic too).  We speculated that something pretty bad must have happened for them to still be investigating many hours later.  I hope we were mistaken.  Perhaps we were since I didn't see anything on the news website today. 

Being stuck in traffic, not moving, being exhausted but trying to stay awake, got my mind thinking.  I thought about Preston, and who he'd be today.  Would he have tiny teeth? Would he be close to needing a little haircut?  Would he be enjoying going to the pool and cooling off in the water on a hot day?  Would he enjoy the feel of cool grass on  his chubby legs?  Tears formed in my eyes much too easily.  It was a tough ride home but when we got home, I was incredibly tired and fell asleep in no time.

I figured today would be easier than last night, but I had a total breakdown while driving to the grocery store.  I had of course passed by the hospital where I said goodbye to my little boy months ago.  The memory of stepping into the hospital and hearing Brett tell me that he was gone just rushed to the forefront of my mind and I just relived the whole experience once again.  It's the worst memory in the world and I wish I could erase it from my mind.  I have trouble writing about it right now.  It feels so fresh every time I think about it, like it happened just yesterday.  Time is so relative, it was just yesterday - 4 months ago... but it wasn't just yesterday, it was a full 4 months ago.

After this wave of tears and pain, the rest of the day was fine.  I got the groceries done without any emotional breakdowns.  I got the house clean without painful memories.  We went for a long walk, filled with hopping bunnies.

Milestones are supposed to be happy.  I feel like they will be emotional, painful and unmemorable for a while.  As the years go on, the number of milestones will diminish, and hopefully that will make for new happy memories.  As 2014 moves on, I think it will become more challenging emotionally, mentally.  It's like walking down a boulevard of broken dreams, to quote Green Day.

What I can take away from all this though is the following.  Emotions sometimes have to come out.  Life does go on, whether we want it to or not.  Milestones will keep coming up, and hopefully they will make us stronger.  Or maybe it'll just be a great excuse to think of our smiling boy.  Maybe it'll be a great opportunity for us to share him with our friends, family or anyone who will listen. 

While, I have my emotional ups and downs, I know I am not alone.  Tomorrow is the 8th birthday of a little boy gone too soon.  Think of Devlin tomorrow, and of his parents and brothers.  If you see a butterfly, say hello to Devlin.  Milestones will never really go away.  Just like our angels will always be with us.  In our hearts, in our memory, in the things from our every day life, in the things that remind us of them.  Jamie and Marc, wishing you the best for tomorrow.  Thinking of you, sending you strength, hugs, love and signs from your sweet little Devlin.