Guilt

Guilt is an unpleasant emotion, is it not?  It feels even worse when you know that the guilt you are feeling is unfounded.  So why feel guilty then?  Perhaps the lack of answers explain the reason for this guilt that somehow always finds a way to creep into my mind.

What if I ate even healthier while I was pregnant?  Were the baths I took too hot?  What if I'd gone to the doctor sooner with my suspicions of preeclampsia?  Perhaps, I would have gone full term and Preston would still be here.  What if I'd taken the day off on March 13th?  Maybe he wouldn't have taken a nap when he did at the nanny's house.  Perhaps, I'd have checked on him sooner, instead of her leaving him alone for 30 minutes. 

Unfortunately, there's no way to know if any of these things would have made a difference.  Perhaps if I'd taken the day off, he'd have passed away on a different day, or even that day.  How thick would the guilt be then?  Is our life pre-destined?  If you asked me where I would be 10 years ago, I would have never guessed I'd be living in a different country.  I would have never guessed that I'd have needed 3 surgeries.  I would have never guessed that without 2 of those surgeries, I might not be here today.  If I'd taken a different path, would it have led me here anyway?

When Preston first passed away, I told myself, perhaps he was taken away because he would have had a painful life.  Perhaps he was going to be very sick.  I think it brought me a little peace to think that way.  I don't want to think that my baby might have been really sick.  I don't want to think that he might have inherited Crohn's Disease from me.  But if he had, I would have known the signs.  I would have known how to deal with it and he would have been okay.  So perhaps he would have had something more serious?  Obviously that's just speculation.  Unfortunately, many little ones have difficult lives through no fault of their own.  Some suffer their whole lives.  It's really sad.  Why do healthy babies die when other babies suffer for a long time?   There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason.  Will we find out one day?

When Preston had just passed away, I also told myself that my happy baby never got to see the ugliness of the world.  He never had to understand what war is.  He never had to hear the horror stories we hear on a daily basis on the news.  I don't listen to the news anymore.  I can't bare it.  All my sweet P ever knew was love, comfort and happiness.  I can only hope that SIDS is not painful, and that it's simply like going to sleep and never waking up.  From what I've read, that's what it seems to be like, but who knows for sure?

I read a nice quote last night when I couldn't sleep:  "One day, a son asked his father, 'Why is it always the best people who die?'  The father answered, 'Son, if you are in a meadow, which flowers do you pick? The worst ones or the best?'" - Author Unknown

This quote touched me to my very core.  I've always felt my son was really special.  I don't say this to take away anything from anyone else's kids.  He was just really, really special.  He was always happy, he was simple and easy going.  He made it easy to be a mom, even when I had to get up every 2.5 hours to pump and then feed him.  Sure we had hard times, but in my eyes, he really was perfect.  He was too perfect for this world.

I had that inscribed on his urn.  I think hubby was upset with me when I requested it, because he felt that it might make our friends/family feel like their kids aren't perfect or special.  Please know, that my being moved by this quote, and having the quote that is on his urn, wasn't meant to be hurtful toward anyone else.  Nor is my truly believing that Preston was perfect and really special.  Of course I'm going to think like that, I'm his mama.  I'd be weird if I didn't right?

So I guess, I have that underlying guilt gnawing at me.  I really hope, I haven't offended anyone by using that quote on my little boy's urn.  Perhaps he was special and that's why he was chosen to go so soon after being born.  Perhaps God needed him more than I do, though I really have a hard time believing that.  Or perhaps, there really is no rhyme or reason.  Life can just be cruel.  Life can just be difficult.

Guilt can tear a person apart.  Guilt can drive one crazy.  Guilt can make you feel sick to your stomach.  Take it from me, don't let guilt get the best of you.  If you have something to be guilty about, why not ask for forgiveness?  If your guilt is due to being disappointed in yourself, why not try harder the next time?  If nothing else, why not talk to someone about it and let it out.  Write about it.  Let it go.  I know, much easier said than done :)

The guilt was ever present for me this afternoon.  I really wanted a sign that I did everything I could.  I really wanted to know that I couldn't have done anything differently.  I got a sneaky one.  Hubby and I watched the Home Run Derby (well I'm still watching it as hubby sleeps).  I'm sure Preston knew we'd be watching.  The HRD was delayed for over an hour.  When the first home run was hit, a full beautiful rainbow could be seen behind the Target Field in Minneapolis.  Preston not only made me feel better, but he made me and his father smile.  These signs can be so powerful sometimes.