Positively February: Day 7

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings into Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." - Eskimo Proverb

In the days and weeks following the loss of Preston, I had a lot of trouble sleeping.  My body was still used to the routine of feeding my son around 10:30-11:00 before putting him down for the night.  I'd just recently returned to work, and really I had this routine down.  I didn't sleep for hours on end, but I didn't feel fatigue all too much.  I was used to sleeping from 11:30 or 12:00 until 5:00.  With that routine being gone, my body didn't really understand trying to go to bed at 10:00.  Nor did my mind.  My mind kept me up for hours on end.  Not knowing what to do, how to grieve, how to do anything really, I tried to read a lot.  Stories of people in my shoes.  Quotes about losing a baby and how to cope.

I remember reading this quote.  Actually, I read probably hundreds of quotes, as tears streamed down my cheeks until there were just no more and the exhaustion took over me and I could finally sleep for maybe 2 or 3 hours.  This quote stayed with me though.  It made looking at the night sky, something that symbolized hope.  Star gazing is something I've always enjoyed.  When we'd go to our fishing cottage, we'd sometimes go out late at night and admire how many stars we could see.  How bright they were!  They seemed so close.  Being 7 hours North of Montreal, they probably were a lot closer.  I get that same sensation here in Colorado.  The stars are so much brighter.  They seem bigger.

I love this Eskimo proverb because it's so simple, and it's something fun to believe in.  Especially now that Preston has his own star!  On his birthday, and #SpreadHappinessForPreston day, my friend and co-worker Lisa gave me a certificate of a star she purchased and had named: Preston William Haugen.  I was so moved by this unique gesture.  I cried.  Happy tears they were.  This star, the love behind it's purchase, makes it easy to look up at the night sky and think of Preston and smile as his love shines down on me.  Much like Preston, Lisa's aunt is in Heaven.  I'm sure they are fast friends, and I love to think that this loving woman is keeping an eye on my son.  And as Lisa said: "They are both now not only our guardian angels, but our shining stars - together".  I agree whole-heartingly.

And if you know me, this probably doesn't surprise you, I looked into this constellation of Giraffe.  It's latin name is actually Camelopardalis, which means camel and leopard.  It was named so because it the constellation appears to have a long neck (like a camel and giraffe) and has spots all over (like a leopard and again giraffe).  I love that it's connected to the leopard as this big cat, is one of the wildcats featured on Big Cat Diary which Brett would watch every morning as he gave Preston his first feeding of the day.  After eating while staring at his favorite colorful painting, Preston would watch the moving shapes of the cats on the television as he sat there digesting, and burping.  He seemed to like it and think the music and narration was calming.

I hope that I can one day see this constellation.  It's to the right of Ursa Major, so it's highly possible.  And if I ever do, I pray that it truly is an opening into Heaven, where maybe, just maybe, I can get a glimpse of Preston shining down on me.

What do you think about when you look up at the night sky?