Here we are. February 28th. Has your month been filled with positivity? I feel like mine has. I want to thank everyone who participated in this movement to increase positiveness in each-others lives. The quotes that you shared with me were all so inspiring and filled with love and wisdom. I feel so much richer after this experience, and I look forward to re-reading these quotes throughout the next month, and will continue to refer back to them throughout the difficult days that come randomly.
"One day at a time. One moment at a time. One step at a time."
Fitting to end this month with one of my own quotes? I think so. And I use the words "my own quote" very loosely as I presume these particular phrases have been said many times before. Individually for certain. Together, very likely. Regardless, these are words that I have tried to live by since the middle of March 2013. My mantra if you like.
One day at a time. I felt the need to be able to go back to "normal" life after the haze of the first weeks started to subside. It was an unrealistic expectation. I always used to have a plan. Do this at this time, do that on that day. I hit a wall I didn't see coming when I tried to do something as simple as the groceries. The trauma that was losing Preston, let's just say it left me hardly being able to see past my own nose. "Normalcy" may have been something I wanted and needed to attain, but it was necessary for me to realize that it wasn't going to happen instantly. It took a long time to build up a new routine. Long time... time is relative. To some, my "long time" may seem extremely short or way too lengthy. We all experience grief differently and at different paces. Grief is a never ending roller coaster filled with mountains and valleys, and you never know the trajectory it's going to take.
When I realized I couldn't just go back to my old life, I started taking things slow. Letting the grief hit me when I needed it to, a moment at a time. I took things in life, one step at a time. I slowly started back at work by working from home for a little while. And then I started going into the office, and got a ride for a couple weeks so I didn't have to be alone on the train. And when I finally felt a little more stable, I started taking the train again. I did the same thing with doing the groceries. Instead of being out of up to two hours so I could shop all the specials, I just went to one store, and bought the essentials and was out of there in half an hour. It made that task a lot easier to complete. You see, I used to do the groceries on Saturday, and when I would get back home, I'd have some special mama time with Preston. It was fabulous. Not having that anymore so suddenly, it made it hard to do the groceries. Especially with the baby aisle, and all the holiday aisles serving as reminders that I didn't have a teddy bear or a cute little outfit to buy for my son. The ever so constant presence of babies in shopping carts didn't help.
Is it easy to do the groceries now, almost a year later? Easy is not the word I would use. It's now more tolerable. It's not as hard on my heart. I still avoid the baby aisle, not that I have many reasons to actually go down that way. I still sometimes get emotional when I see too many babies, or a teddy bear. Or the wind blows. When those moments come though, I let them. And when they are gone, slowly, I get back to what I was doing. One step at a time.
I hope that this quote has a way of reaching you. I wish with all my heart that it helps you in a difficult time, and that it helps you along your journey, whether you are going through a journey of grief, or any other difficult life altering odyssey.
PS. I've wanted for a long time to create a memorial page for Preston. I didn't know how to go about it, and thought it might be a bit much. Today, I found a few Facebook pages for blogs that I follow, and it inspired me to do the same for my blog. Perhaps it will be a way to attract more followers and gain a bigger audience. Perhaps not. Either way, it will be just another space to share my little boy, his smiles, my experience and hopefully wisdom on surviving the loss of a baby. If you wish to join this page the link is https://www.facebook.com/SpreadHappinessForPreston. Thank you.
No comments:
Post a Comment