Positively February: Day 11

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good." - Unknown

Over the past month or so, I've saved dozens of positive quotes, but this morning, none of them felt right.  While on the train, I browsed more quotes.  Quotes about healing, about life, about grief, about moving forward.  It wasn't until I stumbled upon this one, that I just knew it was the right one.

I've mentioned it before, I strongly believe that all bereaved parents are survivors, whether they see it or not.  Whether they feel it.  After all, there's a name for everything else - if you lose your spouse, you are a widow or widower.  If you lose your parents you are an orphan.  There is no word for parents who lose their child.  And so, I present to you - survivor.  That's what we are.

I am still standing.

The rough days happen.  Sometimes you expect them because of whatever day it is.  I'm not particularly looking forward to Friday the 13th.  I am not really superstitious, but I don't like the 13th anymore.  My son died on March 13th.  And this year, it's on a Friday.  And the month before getting to that dreadful date, also a Friday.  It's like the universe is rubbing salt into my still very fresh wounds.  Regardless, the tough days occur.  Whether because of "special" date.  Or because it snowed, or didn't snow.  Or perhaps because you saw something that triggered a memory, good or bad.

I am still standing.

I suffered a lot through all the flare ups caused by Crohn's.  Because of the bowel obstructions.  Due to operations and the recovery it entails.  Through the thousands of needle pricks, which I will continue to receive for the rest of my life.  As much as I wish it wouldn't happen again, a chronic illness is just that, chronic.  The odds of it returning, are high.  Bring it!

I am still standing.

My son passed away.  My sweet, sweet little boy of 16 weeks.  Prior to that, I miscarried.  That I know of, I know for sure once, though I suspect it is more.  A few days away will mark the 3 year mark of the loss of baby H.  I should have a child of 2 and a half and of 14 months.  Instead, I have angels in Heaven.

I am still standing.

I survive.  It's not by choice.  It's by necessity.  It's not to be brave and courageous.  It's to honor the precious life that we do have.  It's to honor the life that our babies whose lives were cut way too short.  It's not to save face, because really after what we, bereaved parents, have gone through, saving face is the last thing on our mind.  It's about finding a new purpose and thriving off of that in order to find new meaning to our lives.

We are still standing.  A community of survivors.  Hand in hand, we continue to walk this journey together.  With all that we've already survived, even if it is difficult to believe, we will continue to withstand the pain and the adversities life has in store for us.  I pray that none include the loss of more babies.  I pray with all my heart.

When the going gets tough, take a deep, deep breath.  And remember your track record for surviving.  It is 100%.