Positively February: Day 12

"Life isn't a matter of milestones, but of moments" - Rose Kennedy

My husband has told me several times that I should try not to make a milestone out of everything.  His words are wise, yet I struggle not to do so.  I've hit the one year mark from when I returned to work from my maternity leave, and I'm a month away from landing on the one year that marks the last time I saw my little boy wiggle around.  It's difficult not to see these dates come, or acknowledge what is or what should be.

However, today, I'm reminded that I should continue to strive to not make milestones out of every day, out of every missed "firsts".  I had a particularly difficult afternoon.  I had a dentist appointment with a specialist, and the receptionist commented on my necklace: "That's a beautiful necklace!  Is it for your children?".  Me: "Yes, it was given to me by my aunt, uncle and cousins after my son passed away last year".  Receptionist: "Well it's absolutely beautiful".  I couldn't look her in the eye.  I felt like I'd made her uncomfortable even when it wasn't my intention.  Perhaps I didn't make her uncomfortable, I just don't know, but it was the feeling that overtook me.  I later had to explain my blood pressure issue to one of the assistants, which again prompted me to bring up Preston's passing.  More feelings of awkwardness.

I usually don't feel this way when I speak of my son.  I must have just been more emotional today.  Or maybe I felt vulnerable because I was at the dentist.  I don't like going, like most.  Or maybe, it was just one of those rough days that I touched on yesterday.  I did, try to take the advice from yesterday's quote and remind myself of my track record.  It helped.

I also had an appointment with my OB.  My final check-up regarding my blood pressure (which was fine).  My OB is really sweet, and so easy to talk to.  I was vulnerable from my earlier thoughts and conversations.  We talked about future pregnancies, about Preston.  She mentioned how much she loved what we did for his birthday.  We talked about how closely she would follow me once I become pregnant, one day.  She said there would be more appointments, more ultrasounds.  Basically, a lot of it would be for my mental health as she understands how much of a mess I will be.

It's interesting to long for something yet fear it.  I don't fear it enough to let it deter me, but I know there will be tough moments, having had both a miscarriage and lost an infant.  A pregnancy would be cause for great joy, and excitement.  But there would be moments of pure fear.  The same once I would hold my baby, and probably throughout the first year, and past.

My OB reminded me that all parents fear for their children.  They all think about SIDS, or car accidents, or kidnappings.  It isn't because I feared that SIDS could happen, that it did happen.  It was just the 1 in X.  It made me cry but it made me feel better.  She told me about a patient she had whose firstborn was stillborn but went on to have 2 other children.  She's looking into obtaining contact information for me to talk to her.  I feel blessed to have special in my life, that are willing to do what they can to make things easier for me.

But the thing that really just turned my day around?  My friend Krystal gave birth to her little girl today.  A perfect little lady.  And that gave me hope.  It made me remember that I have great moments to hold on to.  Preston may have never walked, or talked.  He may never have blown out candles or crawled.  But every day, I can remember the wonderful moments he gave me.  The smiles he gave me.  The way he would kick his little feet all_the_time.  The way he always wanted to say something.  The nights where I'd rock him to sleep and just hold him even when he'd been asleep for hours.

Life really isn't about milestones.  It's about the moments.  Cherish those moments.  They are more precious than you realize.