Positively February: Day 16

"You can do the impossible because you have been through the unimaginable." - Christina Rasmussen



"I couldn't do what you do."

"I don't know how you do it."

"I couldn't go on"

"I would just die"

Believe it or not, I've had the above things said to me, or some variation of them anyway.  Did they upset me?  Considering the circumstances, I understood that my friends, family and acquaintances just didn't know what to say to me.  At the same time, my mind and heart was still grasping at what occurred.  Losing your child is something you dread, but something that really is unimaginable, because really who wants to put themselves through that much torture by imagining it?

I've read the accounts of many grieving parents in these past 11 months.  These words, to many, stung.  They didn't feel helpful.  When you think about it, they aren't helpful, quite frankly.  However, having lost my son, I can tell you that in the moment, I can't be sure that I wouldn't utter similar things.  You feel helpless toward your friend, your family, but you want to do something and words just come out.  If you are the recipient of such words, when the dust settles a little and you regain your footing, I hope you are able to realize that no harm was meant.  No loved one would dream of adding to the pain we already feel.  What we are living through is already inhuman.

What do I say to "I couldn't do what you do" or "I couldn't go on"?  I say, yes you could.  I don't wish it upon you, but you would, because you'd have no alternative.  It isn't strength, it's survival.  Or perhaps it is strength, but that strength was built up through survival.

What do I say to "I don't know how you do it"?  Quite frankly, I don't either.  I take it as it comes.  One day at a time.  Sometimes one moment at a time.

What do I say to "I would just die"?  Part of me died.  A whole big chunk of me died, and I'm still trying to find a way to make a whole out of the pieces that remain.  My life is completely different.  In many ways, it is worse.  It's filled with sadness.  Be that as it may, I will boldly say, that in certain ways, my life is better.  I appreciate everything a lot more.  I see beauty in everything.  I have much more compassion and empathy.  I don't take anything for granted, or at least, I try very hard not to.  I try not to let negativity into my life, again there's a lot of try involved.  I have a lot more resolve.  I feel I have a true purpose.

I pray that I would have found all these positive things if I was still holding my son with his legs and toes wiggling around as he loved doing so.  I refuse to see it as a lesson I've learned through losing Preston.  If it is, dwelling on that fact wouldn't do me any good.  Regardless, this is who I am now.  I can do the impossible.  I'm surviving the unimaginable every day of my life.

You can do the impossible too.  Is it unimaginable for you to get that promotion you've been wanting? Or unimaginable for you to get your dream job?  What's stopping you?  Make the unimaginable possible.