Warmth of the fire

I stayed in bed for quite a while yesterday morning, watching large snowflakes through the slats of the window shades in our room.  It was peaceful and quiet.  The large snow crystals that swayed in the wind transported me back to May, when it snowed on Mother's day as I worked at the kitchen table.  Yesterday morning, I thought of my sweet little boy, and missed him so.

I spent the day in the house, with the storm raging and no car, where was a girl to go anyway?  As I sat on the couch playing World of Warcraft on my laptop, my cats lay by the fireplace, napping by the warmth that emanated from the fire.  How many hours I spent on this same couch last winter watching my baby boy sleep?  How many hours did I rock him to sleep? How many hours did I spend playing with him, making him smile and giggle?

The answer is simple.  Not enough.  I wish I had spent more hours just watching him sleep.  He'd often smile as he slept.  What was he dreaming of? Bunnies jumping from cloud to cloud?  Rainbows over waterfalls?  Fields of endless flowers, filled with vivid colors?  Whatever it was, I'm glad he had such dreams, and I'm ever so grateful that they made him smile, if only for fleeting seconds.  I wish I spent more time holding him.  Rocking him, and bouncing with him in my arms, ever so slightly to help him fall asleep.  I wish I read him more stories, told him more about his family, taught him more about all the wonderful things that exist in our world.

With futility, I wish for many things I can never have.  Never say never? I beg to differ.  Never exists and it is part of my reality every day.  Never is an ugly word, but it follows me wherever I go.  Sometimes it hides in the shadows for weeks, but like a vile monster, it always reappears.  To ward it off, I hold on to the wonderful days I had with Preston.  The precious time I spent with him that will stay with me forever.  I hang on to ever single second of his life that I can remember.

As winter solstice approaches, I hope that Preston has a warm spot in Heaven, should they experience seasons.  I hope that his cloud blankets keep him warm at night.  I hope that he spots by to say hello, as he sees us light that familiar fire all winter long, as we did last year to keep him warm.  May that simple thought, keep us warm inside all winter.