Blindsided

I watched the Survivor finale tonight.  As per usual, this season, this finale had blindsides, where unsuspecting contestants get voted out when they felt totally safe.  Being blindsided sucks.  But Survivor is ultimately a game, and so it doesn't seem so dramatic in the grand scheme of things.

I was blindsided this afternoon.  I was searching my work email for some information, which I found.  The email was dated March 13th, at about 11:50am.  My colleague was telling a vendor that I had returned from maternity leave and would take over the task at hand.  I was oblivious that in just a few hours, my son would be gone.  I'd had an unpleasant conversation with the nanny that way.  Preston had spit up, bad.  I was worried because I'd explained to her how to burp him to reduce the occurrences, and it seemed that she wasn't doing it since she said "before I knew it, he drank the whole thing before I could burp him".  No, not my son.  He didn't drink fast like that.  She wasn't paying attention.  I was upset by it, but what could I do really.  I figured, I'd talk to her when I picked him up on my way home to work.  Back into my work I dove, until my cell phone rang a few hours later with the worst news of my life.  I'll stop here.

That email this afternoon, it just brought everything to the forefront.  Blindsided when I least expected it.  The reminders of Preston are everywhere.  The Enfamil box that's pictured above is in my pantry.  I was going to switch Preston from Newborn to Infant, the following week.  I'm just the formula is now expired.  I'll never use it.  But I don't want to throw it out.  It doesn't blindside me, because I know it's there.  Much like all the rest of his things that are scattered around the house.  

Being blindsided takes the wind out of you.  I don't know if it's the same in the context of a game, but in the real world, it just knocks you off balance.  I was emotional all evening.  I felt for Jaclyn on Survivor, who suffers from MRKH, unable to have children of her own, yet wanting them so badly.  I cried for the hurt she must feel.  For the shame and guilt and resentment she feels toward her body for failing her when she did nothing to prompt it.  It hits close to home.  I don't know the pain of infertility, but I know the agony of loss all too well, and I can imagine that the feelings are similar.

Life undoubtedly will sucker punch me again in the future.  If I've learned anything though, it's just to turn the other cheek and say bring it on.  The clock keeps on ticking whether you watch it or not.  Life doesn't wait for you.  You just have to keep adjusting, adapting and try to keep up.

Have you ever been blindsided?  What did you do to power through?