Puzzle piece

When Preston passed away, something inside of me broke.  I feel smidgens of my old self resurface on rare occasions for but a fleeting moment.  Someone asks "how are you".  My replies range from "okay" and "not bad" to "good".  I used to always be good.  Whenever I say good now, I'm jolted back to reality a few moments later when the realization of what I've said strikes me. 

Good?  I'm not good.  Don't get me wrong, I'm also not rock bottom bad either.  I just float in between content and sad.  My soul was shattered into a million puzzle pieces when I heard the words of the nanny over the phone: "Preston's not breathing".  I feel paralyzed whenever I think of that moment.  I didn't freak out like I should have.  I think I must have already known that it was over.  

Not where I wanted to go with this... I often feel like I'm the piece of a massive puzzle, and every day, I find another piece to connect to and become a little more complete.  Some days, I realize the latest pieces that I connected to, were the wrong ones.  I have to search for the correct ones all over again.

Watching "Scrooged" last night, Brett's favorite Christmas movie, I realized that I may be a bit of a Scrooge myself this year.  No decorations around the house or in my cubicle at work.  No Christmas shopping in the stores, I did it all online to avoid the contagious spirit of the holidays.  No Christmas music.  No Christmas village, which I've been putting up every year since we moved into our house.  No Christmas baking.  

I was so excited about Christmas last year.  Before Preston was born, I had bought a "my first Christmas" onesie for Preston.  I thought it was the cutest thing and it made me thirsty for all the holidays we were about to have as a family.  Christmas itself, but also Easter, Valentine's Day, and Halloween.  All holidays that have special significance when you are a child.  There's magic all around these special occasions.  And of course, it would be a while until these had any type of significance for Preston, but nonetheless it was exciting and happy.  I had no way of knowing that he'd only be limited to one Thanksgiving, one Christmas, one New Year and one Valentine's Day.  The onesie didn't state "My first and only Christmas".

Would it have been better if it did? No it would not.  I just wish I could go back and soak it all in again.  Appreciate the family moments more than I did.  Hold my baby boy more, for longer.

"Scrooged" ends with the cast signing "Put a Little Love in Your Heart".  It hit me.  That's what I've been trying to do with #SpreadHappinessForPreston.  That's what I've been trying to do to honor my sweet little man.  I've been trying to promote kindness and happiness because that's what Preston was to me.  It's not always easy.  So hopefully he helps me with this one, and puts a little love in my heart, so that I can get through this special occasion without him in my arms.  Hopefully, he shows me the way to that next puzzle piece.