"Easier to Run"

When I miscarried in 2012, I would listen to Linkin Park's "Easier to Run" over and over and over again.  I think it put verbalized, for me, what I was feeling.  The guilt, the pain, the emptiness.  It's not something I shared with many people.  I didn't talk about it, and I rather regret it because I think it would have helped me.  I've stated before that I made peace with losing baby H.  It's not something I did lightly.  It's something that I had to do to let go of the guilt.  I was sick without knowing it.  Baby H could have, would have been very sick as a result.

It's often difficult to put into words what you feel after a miscarriage, the loss of a baby.  You feel lonely even if you are surrounded.  The baby that was growing inside of you, the one you would talk to all the time, is gone.  In the blink of an eye, everything is different.  You feel the physical pain of the loss which lingers on, once it's all over, as emotional agony.  Do I miss that little peanut? I do.  I'm sorry that I didn't realize how sick I was.  Perhaps things would have been different.  We'll never know, and I try very hard not to dwell on it.

This song, I doubt was written to explain the sentiments a woman feels in the aftermath of the loss of a child, a little baby, a life she helped create.  Nonetheless, I invite you to take in the lyrics or listen to the song.  I hope that it helps you put into words what you are feeling, even if it just for you; as it was for me.

"Easier to Run" by Linkin Park 

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something more
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone 

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away, no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show, they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years, they've played

If I could change I would, take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would, take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave 

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone 

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories, I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past 

If I could change I would, take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would, take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave 

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending, I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler to change 

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
It's easier to run 

If I could change I would, take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made
Its easier to go
If I could change I would, take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave

This song touches on everything I felt.  I felt like if I tried to forget, it would numb the pain.  It worked for a while, until I set foot into the world and would see pregnant ladies and babies everywhere.  Like a cruel joke.  Commercials for diapers.  A pregnant lady next to me on the train.  A truck that would pass by with advertising for Gerber.  I felt so alone, because I didn't have my little peanut to talk to all the time.  I couldn't share my every thought with him or her as I'd become accustomed to, even just for several weeks. 

I was scared, but no one could see it.  My loss, unless I spoke of it, no one would know about it.  And while I've made peace with losing baby H almost 3 years ago, I still think of this baby a lot.  I never got to know what he or she was like.  I didn't get to imagine who the baby would look like.  Dreams were dashed before they could be formed.  And yet, years later, I remember finding out I was pregnant.  I remember experiencing the miscarriage like it was yesterday.  So much for a happy Valentine's day.

And that guilt, I felt it for a long time.  It was my body after all that was ill, that couldn't carry the baby.  What had I done wrong?  I should have taken better care of myself.  I should have started Remicade a lot earlier.  I should have, would have, could have.  It was always on my mind.  I felt helpless.  Paralyzed by my fears, I thought about it and thought about it.  Day in and day out.  The damage in my insides occurred after years of trying to live with Crohn's disease.  Trying one drug therapy after the other.  Deciding that I didn't need drugs, because I felt "ok".  I was not "ok" but because it was normal for me to be in some pain all the time, perhaps my body got used to it and numbed some of the pain.  I realized that I couldn't change the past, and that regardless of what I did on my own, the damage was there.  I couldn't undo it, but I could fix it, so that baby H would one day have a younger sibling.  That sibling was Preston.  They are now reunited, and hopefully, one day, we can have our happily ever after together.

Whatever you are feeling after a loss, allow yourself to feel it.  Grief walks hand in hand with remorse, desperation and feelings of solitude.  Running is probably not the answer, but sometimes it's necessary to shield your heart.  Just be sure that you have an outlet for your pain - talk to someone, write your feelings down, listen to songs that help you define your emotions.  From there, you will find your way.  You will survive.  How do I know? I've been there.  I continue to be there every day.