Shaking it off

I was irked on my way home from work today.  As I was finding a seat on the train, the lady sitting in front of where I was trying to sit, was not budging, too busy on her phone, as I tried to get my computer bag under my seat as her outstretched legs lay in the way.  Rude.  That was the word that stuck in my mind the whole trip home.  Vexed already, I became more so, as I saw the woman climb the stairs all the way to her car, parked in a handicapped space.  Clearly, this woman can walk.

Steaming, I walked to my car, and the age old lesson - "Don't judge a book by it's cover" kept surging into my thoughts.  Since Preston passed away, I've been struggling with the concept of happiness.  I know I deserve it, but it is often accompanied by guilt.  Not always, but often enough.  Additionally, since his passing, I've also found myself with a strong dislike for complaints.  Including the one that go on in my head.  Maybe mostly the ones that are in my head.  There exist terrible things in the world - cruelty, disease, famine, war, death.  Complaining accomplishes nothing.

By looking at another individual, there is no way to know what they live with every day.  Perhaps this woman can walk, but can't for very long.  Maybe she's not allowed to over-exert her heart.  Perhaps she has a handicapped child (not that this would entitle her to use these reserved spots when her child is not present).  I could hypothesize all day and never hit the nail on the head.  Much like by looking at me, it would be hard for anyone to guess that my 16 week old son died of SIDS.

I do not like that there exists people who abuse the system, whatever the system may be.  I will often struggle with it because I do things by the book, for the most part anyway.  I lead a good life, yet I still often draw the short straw.  How many people go to the doctor and fake symptoms of depression to get a leave from work?  How many people try to take the train without paying?  How many people take advantage of a situation to make it better for themselves at the detriment of others?  I have no qualms about taking advantage of a situation - as long as it hurts no one.

Grief has taught me a lot.  Well, maybe that's not really what it is.  Losing my son has reinforced a lot of things I already knew and believed about life.  It's opened my eyes to so many things that were right in front of me.  Would I give it all up to be able to hold Preston again? In a heartbeat.  But since I can't, I embrace the gifts I am given.  And today, it is shaking off the little irks that cross my path, and admitting to myself that I might not always understand the bigger picture.  Control what you can.  Let the rest, just be.