Growing up at Christmas, my dad would play Elvis' Christmas album. It had 20 plus songs, and one of the ones I always liked the most was "Blue Christmas". For my first Christmas after moving to Colorado, I of course had to find an Elvis album. I found one, not the same my dad has, but it had the best ones. I bought a few other albums too. As a tradition, every year, I would buy a new album. Last year, I think it was Michael Bublé.
I haven't listened to Christmas music this year. This is odd to me because I usually can't get enough of this festive music. I even have a Pandora Christmas station. I'm just not in a holiday mood this year I guess. We don't have other children to decorate for, and we're both still dealing with the loss of Preston, that I think decorating would just remind us of what we had last year, and what we don't have this year.
Driving home, I was roaming the stations on the radio and while I've been skipping KOSI 101.1 since Thanksgiving when they started playing only Christmas music, I somehow hit my preset button, and "Blue Christmas" was playing. I listened to it and reminisced of past Christmases. And I had a realization.
This year will probably be a blue Christmas. All the ideas I had for presents for Preston are still there but realizable. He probably would have wanted to play with the boxes and bags more than the toys, but it would have still been so special to see his eyes light up with all the colored lights on the tree, and in the neighborhood, as our tradition is to drive around and see how others have decorated their homes. Most of the houses on our street are now adorned with lights of green, red, blue, yellow, and white. Some blink. Some appear to travel.
Christmas to me has always meant family time. It never was much about receiving and more about giving. Family time is very different without Preston. Not that we experienced many holidays with him, but I imagined what they would all be like. I'm sure I will enjoy Christmas day and seeing my family open their presents. I will enjoy the food and the company. However, everything will again be tinged with bitter-sweetness.
It will be a blue Christmas, but that doesn't mean it won't have good moments. It will be a sad holiday, but it will have a lot of happy moments. Blue doesn't mean bad. When you are grieving, whether it's something brand new, or something that you've been living with for too long, it is still okay to struggle. It is still okay to have sad moments. It is always okay to feel whatever you are feeling. There is no wrong way to grieve. If mine means that I will have a blue Christmas, then so be it. Blue is quite a pretty color after all, is it not?
You said it perfectly. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and it is okay to be sad this Christmas. Missing your baby isn't a bad thing, wishing he was here isn't bad, and wanting something more this Christmas isn't bad. I think holidays may always be like this, but that just means that you love your little boy. Life is so much fuller, in a way, because you still love your son.
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