Christmas has come and gone. It once seemed so far away, yet it appeared out of nowhere. I dreaded this day, and now I don't have to worry about it for a whole year. "The first of everything is the hardest", I've been told. I've also heard that "the second year is often worse". I don't know what to expect, and I don't wish to sit around trying to anticipate how difficult every future day of my life might be. Instead, I will simply take each day on as it presents itself. I highly doubt, any day can be worse than March 13, 2014. If I could erase this day from the calendar, I would in a heartbeat.
So how was my Christmas? It was tinged with sadness, but at the same time, I was surrounded by loved ones, my husband at my side. Brett's mom had purchased a little candle for us to keep lit on this holiday, something Brett had requested. We lit it on Christmas Eve and it was a very emotional ritual. A sad reminder of what is missing, what will never be. It was very powerful and hit me like a truck I wasn't expecting.
On a side note, I was already in a somber mood. On my way home, an ambulance came blaring down the road going in the opposite direction... in the same direction it had gone to try and save my baby boy. I cried the whole way home, which was just a few blocks. I know in my heart that the EMTs tried so hard to revive Preston. As did the doctors and nurses in the ER. As did the nanny, I hope. I still can't help but feel powerless when I see an ambulance, especially when it's lights and horns are roaring. It's even worse when it's clearly coming from the hospital by our house, where I found out both my babies were gone.
I didn't sleep great Christmas Eve, not anyone's fault. We had opened one present each that evening. Brett was psyched to open his new gaming laptop. I think that was the happy highlight of the night for me. For a long time, Christmas to me has been about giving. Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike receiving presents but I have more than I need, so it's very difficult for me to give ideas for presents. I'm always thankful for what I receive, and this year is no different.
Christmas day was fun. There was a lot of cooking in the kitchen. A lot of laughter as we joked around. We opened a lot of presents and everyone seemed genuinely happy. Preston's Nan had put up a stocking for him, filled with Hershey's kisses. Everyone received a kiss from Preston. It was bittersweet, but it felt really nice to have a moment dedicated to him. We ate more than we should. We reflected on what were were grateful for. While the Lord did not answer all my prayers this year, he did bless me with a sweet little boy for 16 weeks. For the rest of my life, I pledge to share him with anyone who will open his heart to him.
There was no Christmas miracle, but Preston's presence was around. I didn't feel him, or see a sign from him, but I know that he wasn't terribly far away. I hope to see signs again, one day soon. I really long for them.
And as for a Christmas wish, I'm still struggling with making a wish since they've seldom come true. But if I can wish for something simple, it's that everyone had a nice Christmas with family. That everyone had safe travels. That if you were without a loved one, that you found a way to smile, if only for a moment, and that you found a way to incorporate your loved one into your celebration.
Filled with kisses from Preston
Thanks to hubby for putting the meat pie together as I napped on Christmas day.
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