No rules

My Remicade infusion was today.  Hard to believe how quickly these come up all the time.  I felt extremely tired today as the biologic was being administered.  I had not felt this run down by the drug since prior to my pregnancy with Preston.  I've talked about how my allergies went away during my pregnancy.  My little sweet P gave me all sorts of immunities.  Over the last few months, slowly, these have really started to wear off.  More and more every time.  I'd say, Remicade is almost back to knocking me right out a couple hours later.

I didn't feel tired enough to go to bed at 6:30pm, like I used to do prior to being pregnant, but I certainly didn't have the energy to do much.  I caught up on Survivor and General Hospital.. 4 episodes of it.  Thank you DVR for allowing me to fast forward commercials, or I'd still be on my second episode!  The last episode had scenes with my favorite character - Elizabeth Webber.  She started on the show in the late 90s and played a teenager.  I was a teenager at the time, and liked the edgy side to her character.  She became half of the next supercouple, along with Luke and Laura's son Lucky, who was portrayed by the excellent actor Jonathan Jackson (not on Nashville).  Over the year, Liz' character has been put through the ringer, yet she still manages to be portrayed as sweet, loving and lovable.  The story-line that should define her most though, is the loss of her 3 year old Jake, who was hit by a drunk driver - small world, her ex-father in law - Luke.

My mind likes to wander.  When I'm tired, as I am now, I don't have much control over where it goes.  Liz doesn't mention Jake enough if you ask me.  Of course, she's a fictional character, but I feel like they should portray her thinking about her son more often.  Perhaps melting down here and there, because she sees a little boy that looks like him, or finds one of his toys under the sofa as she cleans.  I've watched General Hospital for a long time, and I've seen how "people" can react to traumatic situations.  Sometimes, as we see other people going through certain situations, in our mind, we make the decision of how we would react and feel if put in other people's shoes.  Having seen the scenes where Liz loses Jake, I imagined that I would have reacted the same way - complete hysterics.  At the time, I didn't know I would have a son.  At the time, I didn't know that I'd lose a child.  Was it foreshadowing that I asked myself how I would react in her shoes?

That's not how it went down.  I remember screaming.  I remember crying.  And then I remember feeling nothing.  Numbness.  Paralysis.  Indifference almost.  I was upset at myself for not being hysterical like Liz had been.  I was confused.  Did I not care?  Of course I did.  I know that now, but grief can be really evil and implant thoughts in your mind that aren't true.  Like all that guilt.  The guilt was there from day one, and it's always hiding in the shadows, even today.

The point of all this... There may be books, TV shows or movies that tell you how you should feel in situations of grief.  Grief has no rules.  You may expect to react a certain way and then you don't.  That's okay.  Feel what you have to feel, and know that you aren't doing it wrong.  Don't place too many expectations on yourself when you are grieving.  Setbacks will happen, I'm sorry to say.  And if you do react the way you expected, that is just fine too.  Just take it, one day at a time.  If you have to, just a small moment at a time.