The walk was really nice and calm aside from the crazy wind we got before getting down in the valley. After that we were mostly sheltered from the wind gusts. Going back, we took a dirt path up the side of the hill... felt like a mountain. Geez could I be more out of breath? I felt like collapsing when I got to the top and downed a Gatorade in no time. My throat felt scratchy from the dryness while climbing that hill.
We got to talk about Preston a lot which was nice. I think there's a lot of misconceptions when you lose a child. A lot of people are scared that if they mention your child or pregnancy, that it's going to make you sad. I'm going to go out on a limb and say the following which I think a lot of people think but don't know how to say. We think about our children every day, whether they are with us or not. Mentioning them to us will not make us more sad. For me, it brings a smile to my face that you remember my son, that you thought of my son. I'm honored that he's touched your life, whether you got to meet him or not. I think it's the same for a lot of people experiencing such a loss. When you are grieving a child, it never goes away. While it makes us sad a lot of the time, bringing our children up does not open up a wound. It validates us as parents. A lot of the time, it's hard to feel like a mom, because my son isn't here for me to take care of. But I know that no matter what, I am a mom. Always will be. Just because you cannot see my son, does not mean that he didn't exist.
Are conversations about him difficult? Sometimes they feel emotional. Most of the time though, it's just nice to share him with the world; like I do with my blog, like I hope to do with the #SpreadHappinessForPreston "movement" on his birthday - November 19th. I almost felt tears coming today when I was talking about him with Kate. If I had, I'm sure it would have been ok, but I didn't. I even forget what it was that I said that started to choke me up. Who knows, it can differ from day to day right?
I was happy to be able to get a lot of smiles out of their son. I'm happy that I can hold him without freaking out like many people warned us about. Their son, much like they are, is family. I'd be so upset with myself if I couldn't pick him up and play with him. Everyone is different though. I can't say I'd feel the same if he was 4 months old or younger. We'll find out one day I suppose. ;) Until then, I tell myself that I'll learn to deal with it when the time comes. I've learned to deal with everything else that's come my way right?
No bunnies or rainbows yesterday and today. But plenty reminders of Preston. The road we took up to our weekend retreat, was the same we took for a wedding last year, when I was still pregnant with Preston. We were in a serene area surrounded by nature, which since Preston's passing, has made me feel closer to him.. not sure why. We were with people who love us and make us happy, make us feel at ease - which reminds me of how I felt when Preston was around. Whatever we do, wherever we go, reminders of Preston will always follow us - at least, I hope they will :)
There is a quote that I heard that reminds me of this post: "the sound of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it is music to my ears."
ReplyDeleteThat's a really sweet quote. Thanks for sharing :)
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