Stained

The cutting board pictured above was a wedding present from my neighbors growing up.  If you notice, there is a stain in the second square in the top row from the left.  I was kind of upset when it happened, but now, it makes me smile every time I see it.

You see, my health issues have often caused me to be anemic.  Anemia is a very common blood disorder where you experience a decrease in red blood cells.  There are many causes, but the one that causes me to have bouts of anemia, is iron deficiencies.  Because of the fact that I was anemic when Preston was born, his pediatrician suggested that we give Preston iron supplements (liquid form added to his bottle).  He didn't love it at first, but he got used to it.  One morning, while getting his bottle ready, hubby had a spill on the cutting board.  Forever stained.  I was a little upset that our really nice cutting board was to have this blemish on it for the rest of it's days.

Now, every time I see it, it's a subtle reminder of my son.  A little blink reminding me that I didn't imagine my pregnancy and his existence.  Not that anyone would doubt that I fabricated his existence, but I can only imagine that in time, a lot of people will forget about him.  He only had 16 weeks in our world after all.  Of course, the people who might forget about him probably aren't very close to us so who could blame them?

I guess, all this to say, I will hold on to everything that I possibly can.  Every memory that I can remember, I will hold on to.  As time goes on, certain things will fade.  I can't really "picture" his cry anymore and I don't have it on video.  I'm so glad to have about 10 videos of him even if they can be difficult to watch.  To think I'd just shown his latest and now last video to my friend the day he passed away.  How odd is that?  I mean, it was such a testament to how lively he was.  How could he just stop existing just a few hours later?

There are questions we may never get answers to, but hopefully, for some peace of mind, we figure out what SIDS is in our lifetime.  Or at least get a little closer to figuring out what causes it, or at least make some breakthroughs.  I'd love to know that my baby didn't suffer, but I may never know.  I have to tell myself that he didn't or I'd drive myself crazy, but no one really knows do they?

The moral of my post tonight (hopefully they usually have a moral or purpose - I try anyways) - cherish all the moments you have.  While you don't want to spend every second taking pictures and videos because you might actually miss the experience, don't take having pictures and videos for granted.  One day, you will be happy to be able to look back and look at them.  Not because I expect others to have a loss like mine, but because as we get older, things start to escape us.  I'm sure that it would be such a gift to be able to look at the videos and pictures of your babies 30 years from now, don't you?