Signs

I didn't realize we were expecting rain today.  It rained downtown while I was at work, the story told by the puddles on the pavement as I awaited for the train to arrive.  It seemed the storm was moving north and I was heading south.  Good, I thought, I want to get my walk in.  I don't want to take a walk in the pouring rain.

The storm may have gone north, it may have turned around or we may have gotten a completely different one.  As I finished eating my dinner, there was the rain.  It was a soft rain, but it was windy, chilly and the rain felt so cold that I though, oh well... the walk will have to wait until tomorrow.

The rain diminished rather quickly though and hubby and I decided, let's go for our walk, even if it's still drizzling a little bit.  As we walked toward the park, we heard music getting louder.  An outdoor concert? On a Wednesday?  I guess it is summer vacation for a lot of people.  And so, today we took our walk to the park.  I turned around before crossing the street and was stunned to see two beautiful rainbows; one brighter than the other.  One saying - look at me.  One saying, "hi mama!".

Because there's no "hard" evidence, it's sometimes hard to believe in signs from our loved ones who have passed, it's hard to understand if heaven really exists.  You have to believe to believe, and while I've always believed in God, there's something about losing your baby that brings a lot of doubt to the forefront of your mind.  I want to believe, I don't want to have doubts, but these days, it's very difficult.  I still think of myself as Christian, but yes, I will admit to it, my faith is definitely shaken.

At the same time, it's easy to blame God when you have nothing else to blame.  I don't want to blame Him, but some days, I can't help it.  Yet, I know in my heart that God is not cruel.  He would not take away my son to teach me a lesson, or make me see the bigger picture.  That is a cruel lesson that no one deserves.  So if not God, then what is there to blame?  The free will that he gave us?  Sin?  Perhaps this is a topic for another time...

I want to believe in heaven, and I want to believe in signs from my beautiful little Preston.  And so, most days, I do.  I want to have the hope to see him again one day.  It would be even more heartbreaking if there was no hope to see him again.  So, I have to keep my faith, even if it is somewhat shattered.  My faith makes me I believe I've gotten many signs - the following being the most significant ones.

I think I already shared this story:  I was working at my kitchen table sometime in late March, maybe early April, when a snow storm came in.  Much like today, I had no idea that we were expecting a snow storm, yet the snow kept coming down like it was going to snow all day... within 10-15 minutes, it was over and the sun was shining brightly.  It was like God, or Preston, was telling me: "Don't worry, as the storms come and go, so will your emotions, but they will pass, and the sun will always come back out".  It made me smile, and it gave me solace.

Another day, in April, I was on my way to my OBs office to have my BP checked (still on BP meds today 7 months postpartum due to preeclampsia) and I asked God to send me a clear sign of something that would remind me of Preston to let me know He was watching over him and that Preston didn't suffer.  I missed my exit so I took the following one, and parked.  I thought to myself, hey this way was actually quicker! On my way into the building, there was a pregnant lady wearing a maternity shirt that I wore during my pregnancy. It made me think if Preston instantly.  Had I taken the "right" exit, I most likely would not have seen this woman.  I then pushed the 3rd floor elevator button...thinking, wait is that the right floor?  Just as I was getting to the third floor, I realized, I realized I needed to go to the 2nd floor.  Oh well, I thought, I'll have to go back down after I get to the third floor.  The doors opened to the third floor and a lady came on; she worked at the pediatricians office we took Preston to and again it made me think of my little boy.

On Mother's Day, we were supposed to go up to the mountains and spend the day with hubby's parents.  I love my husband's family.  They are my family and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but I wanted to stay home.  Home is where Preston was happy.  Home is where I feel close to him.  It snowed so much on Mother's Day that it was dangerous to go out on the road, so I got my wish and we stayed home.  I take it as my Mother's Day gift from Preston. Thank you baby.

I've already posted about bunnies.  While I didn't see any tonight, or I never seem to see them when I actually look for them, I see them most days.  Preston's sent me a few rainbows.  The one when I was on the train in April, the one in the pasta isle a few weeks ago, the one in the pinwheel yesterday and today's rainbow.  Had I not gone for the walk, I wouldn't have seen it.  Had we not gone toward the outdoor concert, I wouldn't have seen it since it was behind us.  So, while I seem a little wishy washy about it, I do believe in signs.  I wish I could get a hello every day, but perhaps angels can't give signs on a daily basis.  Perhaps they give them to us when we need them the most.  Perhaps they give them to us when we need inspiration, or a hug.  Keep those signs coming lovey.  I cherish every single one.

Have you gotten any signs from loved ones who have passed? Do you believe in them, in heaven?