Holding On

I soloed my walk tonight.  Hubby was busy getting new tile for the floors with the help of our good friend.  Our carpets, which looked new when we bought the house 4 years ago have been ruined by our cats.  They've frayed all the edges with their claws.  It looks all rugged now.

 

So, equipped with my iPod, I walked the perimeter of our neighborhood and back listening to lyric after lyric, each of them reminding me of my son.  I won't lie, the first half of my walk was really difficult emotionally.  I'd opened the door to Preston's room prior to leaving, I'm not sure why....looking for a particular memory perhaps?  It didn't take long for them to all come flooding to me, all at once.  A rather intense feeling I wasn't ready for. 

 

As I walked through our neighborhood, I again realized that life has continued on without Preston.  The world keeps turning.  Life for everyone around us has gone back to normal while we need to adjust to a new normal; not that it feels normal.  It feels surreal still.  I wonder if it always will.  Don't get me wrong, I don't blame anyone for going back to their life.  I don't hate anyone for having a life similar to what I've dreamed of for so long.  That type of attitude would get me nowhere and I don't feel it would help "me" heal.  It would be so easy to hide in my room, never to see a baby again, never to see a pregnant woman again, never to see baby things, commercials, happy families.  But I think I'd just be avoiding the inevitable.  Babies are everywhere.  Babies are the renewal of life, an eternal sign of hope.  I don't want to hide from that.  And even if I did, I'd eventually have to come out of my room and it would be that much harder.  Perhaps it's the one thing I can't procrastinate because it would be harder than facing life itself?  And I love my friends & family.  Most of them have their own little family now.  Their family, is our family.  So perhaps sometimes it's hard to be around babies, but that's ok.  I'm sure some things will forever be difficult.  Even if/when we have another baby, I'm sure a lot of things would be difficult when they should be happy.  Does any of this make sense?  Perhaps it doesn't, but I unfortunately believe it's reality.

 

So please, don't shut me/hubby out (not that anyone has).Metaphorically, don't shut out anyone who's experienced such a loss.  While not everyone is in the same place I am, everyone needs support.  I do hope that I'm not uncomfortable to be around.  I can certainly understand that I must seem like a zombie sometimes, motioning through life, but I really don't want to be.  I'm trying really hard to just live, breathe and not be negative.  Time may be forever frozen in Preston's room, but my life goes on too.  The days tick by, the pain becomes less sharp (although sometimes it doesn't).  My little boy may be frozen in time as a 16 week old, but his spirit will continue to live on within the people that loved him.

 

On a positive note, the second half of my walk was better.  A few songs left me in a better state of mind.  "Whenever You're Near Me":

Whenever you're near me
I give you everything I have
Someone to believe in
When things are good and when they're bad

 

Perhaps a little message to remind me that Preston is always with me wherever I go.

 

"Keep Holding On"

You're not alone, together we stand
I'll be by your side you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold, and it feels like the end
There's no place to go you know I won't give in
(Ah, Ah) No I won't give in (Ah, Ah-Ah)

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you

There's nothing you can say (Nothing you can say)
Nothing you could do (Nothing you could do)
There's no other way when it comes to the truth so

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

So far away, I wish you were here
Before it's too late this could all disappear
Before the doors close, and it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend

 

I hadn't seen any bunnies until that song came on.  He let me get pretty close (picture below).  This song used to have a different meaning for me.  It was one of the songs I chose to play at our wedding reception.  I felt it was so appropriate because though we were married, hubby & I still lived in different countries and would for another 5 months.  Yay immigration! :P

 

And finally, the last song I listened to before stepping into the house - "Anytime You Need a Friend":

If you're lonely, and need a friend
And troubles seem like
They never end
Just remember to keep the faith
And love will be there to light the way

Anytime you need a friend
I will be here
You'll never be alone again
So don't you fear
Even if you're miles away
I'm by your side
So don't you ever be lonely
Love will make it alright

 

Preston will always be there to listen to what I have to say (or think).  He'll always be there to remind me to do good and try to spread happiness and try to help others in difficult times.  Needless to say, what I'm going through is unimaginable to most (and should remain that way), but truly, "anytime you need a friend", I will be there.  Just reach out and I'll do what I can to help you, much like others have done for me, like others continue to do on a daily basis.  Thank you for all that you do for me, thank you for all that you do for hubby.  Thank you for all the good you do to those in your life.  If you don't hear it enough, thank you for all that you do.

 

 

 

 Miss you little man.  More than you could ever imagine.