I'm currently upset. What triggered this recent bout of sadness? I was tidying up and came across this decorative box we have in the living room. In it, was a couple of Preston's books, that I probably read to him one of the last evenings we had him with us. There was a "Houdini" sleep sack, which he'd outgrown a while ago, several pictures, bills relating to him and a toy of his. I had to put them in a box along with a bunch of paperwork I need to go through next weekend, but just moving them our of the room felt so wrong. I also had to put away some picture frames that I had made for our family last Christmas - they are puzzle pieces, and one of them is entitled "Family" and another "Preston", and it has a picture of us in the family one and a picture of him in the Preston one. We don't feel ready to display the picture frames in the house, so I put them away in the guest room closet for now. Tough.
Lastly, his baby book is also in the decorative box in the living room. I never took the time to get it ready, but in it is the first Christmas card we sent out as a family. The invitation for my baby shower. His little hats from the hospital, along with the stickers they had on his chest in the NICU, to help them monitor his vitals. I feel like I need to fill out his book before I start to forget too many details, but it's not going to be a fun, happy thing to do. That's what it should have been. Baby books are supposed to be happy.
I took my upset self out to the deck, and there were bunnies in the yard across the green belt. Just chilling. And it reminded me that my son is still here in spirit. On day 9 of my challenge, I'm grateful for all the little signs I've received from Preston. All the bunnies I see, especially the ones that happen upon our front yard, or show up when you least expect them to. I'm thankful for the beautiful, colorful rainbows that we've been blessed with so much this year. It's been a wet year for Colorado... at least from my experience sine 2008. I come across feathers every now and then and think of my boy.
The theme of Preston's nursery was teddy bears. His father, being from Chicago, is a big Cubs and Bears fan, so it only made sense. He already had a good teddy bear collection going. Needless to say, if I see a teddy bear, or a bear, I will see it as a sign from Preston...but I don't think I'd be super thrilled to see a bear on my deck... We do live in Colorado, so I can't rule it out completely, but I can't say that would be the best sign to send mama! A few months ago, I was walking downtown during my lunch break. I think I was actually going to pick up my lunch which I had ordered at Jason's Deli... and I came across a elderly homeless man. He was pushing a shopping cart, in the middle of the 16th Street Mall, and it was full of teddy bears. While I thought it was very bizarre, I was thankful for having seen it. What a precious way for Preston to show his mama a little sign. I've come across a few "bears" since then. When we were looking with my in-laws for a house in our area for them to buy, a few of them had bear statues on the front porch. Brett and I came across a few as we took our evening walks too.
The extreme sadness comes and goes, as do the moments of elating happiness. The signs are every where yet not present every day. As I continue to ride this roller coaster ride that is life, I can only hope that the sharpness of the painful emotions diminishes with time. But if it doesn't, it'll forever be a sweet reminder that my son meant the world to me, and that he took a little piece of my heart with him when he ascended to Heaven.
That is so sweet that you kept all of those precious things. I did not put together my pregnancy scrapbook until months after the boys passed away, and it was tough. But compiling those memories made me feel better; I knew I was preserving our memories of them and that someday, I would look back and be so grateful that I had written everything down. I cried a lot putting it together but it was therapeutic. I hope that when you are ready, you can put together his baby book and know that you are doing something wonderful for him. If you feel up to it, check out mollybears.com. They make weighted bears for parents who have lost their babies and they will rename yours so your bear is "Preston bear."
ReplyDeleteIt's comforting to know that putting Ben and Conner's scrapbook was therapeutic for you. It makes me hopeful that one day, I might just be able to accomplish filling out Preston's.
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