Thank you for the support

Thank you!!

I haven't sent out thank you cards to everyone, or anyone for that matter, who attended Preston's memorial service.  I haven't sent out thank you cards to everyone who's extended their sympathies, cooked dinners for us, kept us company, gave us gifts to help with rough days, or to serve as a reminder of our son.  All this to say, on day 3 of my 30 days of gratitude, I am thankful for our support system.  Our loved ones, near and far.  Acquaintances we've met along the way.  Our support group at Angel Eyes.  The angel mommies from BBC and First Candle.  All you readers of my blog.

I stated before that I haven't sent out thank you cards.  It isn't that I don't want to, it's that it's too hard.  It's too hard to write out so many thank you cards.  It reminds me too much of the day we lost our son, of the day we had a memorial for Preston.  When you are a parent, the last thing you think about is making a decision about whether to bury or cremate your 16 week old child.  You don't think about what arrangements you want to have at his funeral, or memorial.  You don't think about the last time you'll ever hold them.  That being said, I hope you understand that I'm still not ready to send out thank you cards, but that I am ever so grateful for the support you offered us and continue to offer us.

Jocelyn, Barry and Charles were there from the moment everything happened.  You were there during the days that followed, whatever we needed.  I can't say I remember much about that first week, but I am ever so thankful for you guys because I would have had a hard time making any decisions.  Kate, you were wonderful too, and I know you would have been there sooner if you could have been.  Brett's parents were there within a day.  My parents, and my brother Ted flew in a couple days later.  Jason, I know you would have been there if you could.  I'm sorry that you couldn't be there and I know it must have been even more difficult to not be able to. 

The countless cards, emails, messages we received were overwhelming.  Yes, they made us cry but feeling your love and support has helped us more than you can imagine.  It is very easy to feel alone when you lose a child.  I can't say I have felt alone much.  I've had my husband by my side always, but I've also had all of you.

Cyn, Liz, Sherri, Aunt Jocelyn - your constant encouragements, comments, anecdotes are so helpful to me.  Cyn you have something to share almost every day and you have no idea how much that means to me.  Krystal, not only are you a source of inspiration with your own blog, your journey, your losses, but again you comment almost on every entry I have.  It means the world to me that I can connect with you in this way.  I'm sure Conner, Ben and Preston have become fast friends are smile down at their mamas every day.  Your support is invaluable.

The support group at Angel Eyes, what can I say... when we attended our first session, it was all very fresh.  We had just lost Preston 2 and half weeks before, but I can say it felt comforting to know we weren't alone.  Some of you lost your baby at daycare like us.  Some of you lost your first born like us.  Some of you lost a little boy, just like us.  More importantly though, all of you knew exactly what we were going through, and had wise words for us.  You told us we'd feel all kinds of emotions.  You told us that there wasn't a timeline for anything and that we had to be gentle with ourselves.  You reached out to us, gave us your phone numbers, told us to call, text if we needed to talk, whatever the time.  You gave us hope.  All of you are further down this terrible journey, and you are still standing.  Surely, we will find our way as well.

The angel mommies at BBC... there are so many of you.  The sheer number of new names I see on a weekly basis is heartbreaking.  And I know we are all at different stages in our losses, we all have different losses, but they are all significant.  Your kind words of encouragement on a tough day, your understanding of all the feelings I go through, and your letting me try to help you as well, really has made a difference in my life.  The same goes for the ladies and gents from First Candle.  Most of you having lost a baby to SIDS know exactly what I am going through and while we belong to the worst club on earth, hearing your stories, seeing your ups and downs, allows me to know that what I'm going through is "normal".

The ride to work and back were particularly difficult today.  For whatever reason, I was thinking about having gone back to work after my maternity leave.  I'd gone back to work on February 11th, and we lost Preston on March 13th.  I was struggling with the guilt of going back to work, I still am.  I didn't go back out of obligation, though part of the reason is wanting to continue living the lifestyle we're accustomed to.  Another part was making enough to help our kids through college.  The last part though is a little selfish.  I wanted to go back because work makes me feel fulfilled, not to say that Preston didn't make me feel fulfilled.  I've had times in my life where I couldn't work, and quite frankly, I was going stir crazy.  I need the mental stimulation.  I want the mental stimulation.  I feel like I'll always want to work to keep my mind active and sane.  But that guilt gets to me.  What if I hadn't gone back to work.  Would Preston still be with us? I wouldn't have left him alone for 30 minutes.  Maybe it was too cold at the nanny's.  As to not help my state of mind, the lyrics on Pandora repeated - "I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you"... Just about killed me to hear that.  I feel like I could have saved him.  But what I feel and reality, I know are two vastly different things.  I know that nurses and doctors within inches of babies who have died from SIDS could not revive them.  So, really why the guilt?  Will it always follow me like a shadow?

I digress though, really, I want you to know how thankful I am.  Thankful that you continue to ask how we're doing, knowing that the answer probably never will be "we're doing awesome".  I'm thankful that you respond to my blog entries with encouragements, anecdotes of your own relating to the topic of my last post.  I'm thankful for your hugs.  I'm thankful for the coffees, and lunches, though really they aren't necessary.  I'm thankful for your time and friendship more than anything.  I'm thankful that you speak my son's name, that you feel like you know him, that you think of him, that he makes you smile.  I'm thankful for your presence during the toughest time of our lives.  I'm thankful for your understanding, when we aren't quite all there around babies, especially blond little boys.  I'm thankful that you haven't shut us out, that you continue to invite us and feel welcome.  I've heard so many stories about people walking around on eggshells around angel parents, stop inviting them to social functions because they are awkward to be around.  I know it'll happen, days where we are more emotional, days where we are more vulnerable, days where we just can't get past the loss.  But I know that you'll understand.  On those days, you'll hug us.  You'll offer a shoulder to cry on.  You'll offer kind words, or you just won't say a word as you listen.  And for all that, for everything, I thank you.