The word happy

Happy has become a tough word for me.  I used to throw it around really easily; Happy Friday, Happy Birthday, Happy whatever day of the week, etc.  It's so difficult to use now.  Whenever I find myself typing Happy Friday in an email, there's just this feeling that comes over me like it's wrong to write it.  It certainly doesn't feel happy.  Perhaps my version of happy is just different now.  It's not like I don't have happy moment or fun moments.  I certainly smile every day (or most days anyway).  I laugh almost every day.  It's hard not to with all the funny things my husband can say in a day.  But, that happy word... it's like a mental block.

I struggle with the thought of saying "happy birthday" to my son who's no longer on Earth.  How can it be happy if he's not here?  It's certainly not a celebration.  But again, it's probably more about perspective.  It can be a celebration, just not the party type.  It can be a celebration of his memory.  A celebration of what he brought to us, and what he's brought to everyone we know, and to everyone who's learned about him through my blog, or through my posts on BBC.  It will probably take me a while to be able to say "happy birthday" to Preston on each milestone - 10 months, 11 months, 1 year, 18 months, etc.  And maybe if I'm able to say it, the first couple times will be really painful.  But I promise this.  I will celebrate what you brought to my life.  Not only during the 16 weeks we had you in our arms, but for the other 35ish weeks that I carried you.  You changed my world forever.

I think it's kind of "funny" how I can so easily start typing as if I was writing directly to Preston.  I guess he was easy to talk to, to be around.  No judgment, no opinions.  Just pure love.  When does that innocence go away?  Isn't it a shame that no matter what, that innocence always goes away?  I guess I feel blessed with the fact that Preston never knew or understood anything bad.  All he knew was good, pure, happy.

So what's that pure little angel been up to lately?  He sent my friend Paula a nice sign yesterday.  Through a high window (vaulted ceiling) in her house, in the middle of it, and in the middle of totally grey clouds, was a blue heart shape.  How sweet is that?  He also sent many rainbows while she was on vacation, and a little bunny during a walk to cheer her up.

While I truly believe in these signs, even if you don't, can you see how much of an impact this little life has made on the world?  He makes my friends, my family and me smile.  He makes total strangers smile.  Whether they are signs or not, people in my life associate these things with him and it picks up their day.  Maybe, just maybe he really is spreading happiness.  Hopefully, we can return the favor and bring happiness to others - whether or not the word and concept are hard to grasp.



I love how the rays always try to shine through the clouds like some divine light from Heaven.  They often seem to do this near our house, and it's about the only place I ever see it.

 

This is from yesterday's sunset.  It's got some adjustments made to the color (HDR?), but just love the sky in this picture.  Makes me think of the colors I see every morning to the East.  The clouds are a dark purple blue color, the sky turns pink, then bright orange with shades of yellow.  It's like my own special rainbow, without the arch.  I wish I could take pictures, but I'm always driving as it changes.  I tried taking a picture from the train this morning, but I guess it didn't take since I can't find it on my phone.  Tomorrow is another day.