Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls

Today began like an ordinary Sunday.  I slept in a little, did a few chores, caught up on last week's General Hospital episodes.  I even watched a few episodes of Royal Pains.  I was missing Preston, as I often do, but I wanted to "see" him.  So, I watched a few videos with sound.  I'm usually ok after watching him, but today it was overwhelming.  Today, a few days into a new month, it was a reminder that another month is beginning without Preston.  Watching him kick, coo and smile made me miss him more than I did prior to watching the videos.  It feels like it's been so long since I held him, and my arms ache for him.  And while it feels like this happened lifetimes ago, it's only been a handful of months.  I'm beginning to have a strained relationship with time.

I felt angry, I felt overly sad, I was crying and I asked God to speak to me.  Make me feel something, make me see something, make me hear something.  I sat in Brett's lazy boy, where I often rocked Preston, looking outside, perhaps searching for a bunny, and turned on Pandora on my phone.  The first 2 songs made me mad and I skipped them and there it was - Iris, by The Goo Goo Dolls.  I'd been praying to hear it all week on the train.  It never came, but there it was when I needed it most.  I felt like God was actually listening to me this afternoon.  I cried the whole time it played and I felt really at peace after.  So, thank you Lord, for answering my prayer, during a tough moment.

This has been a special song to me for a long time.  While I've always loved the melody, the words began to ring true for me while I was having all my health issues.  "And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand" just hit me to my very core.  Crohn's isn't a disease that is easy to talk about.  It can get gross really fast, and I really had some low points, where not only did I not feel good in my own skin because of what all the meds did to me, but I was also really sick and had a hard time relating to others.  Cancelling social engagements weren't a rare thing, and it made me feel really alone.

Now the song means something different entirely.  The lyrics are below in case you aren't familiar with the song.  My interpretation is below them.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

I'd really give up anything to hold Preston again.  To rock him, to kiss him, to bathe him, to tickle him.  I hope that our bond was special and strong enough that wherever he is, he knows that part of me will always be with him, and that I love him.  He really is the closest to heaven that I'll ever be until we meet again.  While I never want to leave this house, because it was his loving home, it's sometimes hard to be in the house.  It's hard to be in the house alone, it's terribly difficult to enter his room.  I remember his life and take it in as much as possible to help me through each day, because after all, I am a better person for having known him.  But I can't live in the past and pretend like he's still here.  Reality always sets back in.  And while I don't want to miss him every night, I do miss him every night, and every day.  I just wish I didn't have to.

 

Our society struggles with grief, especially infant loss.  While I don't really want anyone to understand what it's like to lose a child, I wish we were more open to listening to the stories of families who have loved and lost.  I want the world to know who Preston was.  I want Preston to remember who I was.  I don't care about people knowing who I am, I really just want to share Preston and feel like he knows who's his mama.

 

I struggled when Preston first passed, because I often felt broken because tears weren't coming.  I think that made everything worse, because it brought on a whole new layer of guilt.  Why aren't I crying?  Will Preston think I don't love him?  Shock can do evil things to you.  Those first few days totally felt surreal, like we were in a movie...but unfortunately the heartache really showed that it wasn't a horrible nightmare.  My bleeding heart was a painful reminder that life keeps going even when your world is shattered by your worst nightmare.

 

 

Now, I'm left with happy memories and his loving smiles.  I am blessed to have had the perfect child.  I hope that in Heaven, he remembers who I am, and that he's proud of how I'm dealing with his death.  I'm left with an overwhelming feeling of wanting to share Preston's beautiful soul, smile and spirit with the whole wide world.  I'm left with an intense need to want to help others through this difficult journey, or provide hope to others going through something that is difficult to them.  I'm working on a series of blog posts that will involve "breaking the silence" that surrounds miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss.  While I don't know that it'll make a difference, I hope that it will be a pattern in beginning to make these topics less taboo.  The hope is that this will allow more women to feel like they can share their story, which I've found to be helpful in this eternal journey of healing.