I have a soft voice and don't like to speak loudly or yell. I don't like being yelled at, does anyone? I guess I do enjoy blasting a good song while driving in my car... but that's about all the loud I can stand. We were so blessed as Preston was a very quiet baby boy. His cry was sweet. His coos were adorably soft. He was never loud. I'd trade anything to have him back, even if it meant having him be the loudest baby in the world.
It's the first time that I'm alone in the house, overnight, since Preston passed away. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it yet, but I know it's something I was going to have to do eventually, so why not bite the bullet now? Brett went over to his parents' house to help with a project tomorrow morning. I had a few things to do around the house and since I also want to be able to take some time to relax over the weekend, I felt I wouldn't have the chance to do too much of that if I went with. He'll be spending a big chunk of tomorrow up there. And, like I said earlier, I needed to bite the bullet at some point; He'll have to go out of town on business at some point. At least, right now, he's close-ish if I were to totally go crazy and need him home with me.
I spent the evening emptying out the china cabinet in preparation for Brett to remove the carpet and start the tiling project. All I have left are the delicate wine glasses and other drinkware. I need to go buy thinner paper to wrap them in. What I used for the rest of the dishes and various trinkets I keep in the cabinet is just too thick. How is it that we accumulate so much stuff? And I'm one of those people who doesn't like to throw out anything because of the memories. I was starting to think that I need to get rid of a lot of things, but you know, sometimes memories are all you have left.. so if you want to hold on to them, do it! Go down memory lane one day and let yourself smile by remembering happy times. If they don't make you smile, then maybe it's time to get rid of the things that just create more clutter.
Back to my evening, I emptied the cabinet, and caught up on General Hospital, woohoo. Looking forward to next week, looks like Nathan aka Detective SexyPants is about to figure out that Levi is a crook! Yay! Can't stand Levi - lol. Ah, yes a glimpse into my addiction to GH... That is a topic for another day ;)
When I finished with all that, I tried listening to a song I liked to sing to my sweet P when I was trying to get him to fall asleep - Show 'Em (What You're Made Of). Yes, that's a Backstreet Boys song. Sue me, I grew up in the 80s and 90s and I still like their music. No shame here. Interestingly enough, whenever I hear a new song of theirs, it becomes my new favorite BSB song: first it was "Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely", then it was "Drowning", then it was "Incomplete". Now it's "Show 'Em (What You're Made Of). I liked the song when I first heard it because it rang so true to me (sound familiar? lol). I liked singing it to Preston because he was so tiny and it talks about not giving up and fighting. I felt like he was my little fighter, growing as fast as he could given that he didn't get the chance to "bake" for 40 weeks. Part of the lyrics say: "You find the truth in a child’s eyes/When the only limit is the sky/Living proof I see myself in you". I did see myself in him. He had fight, just like I did especially in the past years with all my health issues. But, since I'd like to eventually make a post about this song, I'll stop here.
I couldn't get through the song. I tried singing it and only ended up bawling my eyes out. Sometimes, it just has to come out though, so I had my good cry, and I feel ok right now. I'd been having this weird and strong urge to go sit in the rocking chair in Preston's room and read him "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish". After all, he can probably still hear me talk to him. Well, I hope he does, because I often do speak to him. But this one time, I wanted it to be about Preston, and not about me and what I am feeling. So I did. I was still crying some when I went to his room, but I did it. I read the whole book, out loud, like I used to read it to my little boy. I touched a few of his things. The cats even came in the room to visit. I wonder if they realize what happened. It really doesn't seem so. But, I think I tried to do a little too much because I eventually couldn't take it anymore and had to close the door again. And now here I am.
Was all this therapeutic? Probably, in a sense. I want to be able to go into Preston's room. We had a lot of good times in his room. I want to be able to go in there and smile, instead of just feel heartache and pain. Was it worth the self inflicted heartache? Totally. I got to read to my baby again. I know I wasn't holding him in my arms, but it made me feel close to him for a few moments. Is it hard to be alone right now? Absolutely, but, I also think that it's good for me. I needed to do these things, and I don't think I would have done them if Brett was home. I wouldn't want to risk hurting him more than he's already hurting. Is it something I want to do every week? No, not really. I think I need these moments to be special and not routine. I think letting it become routine could be dangerous for my psyche. Confuse dream with reality. It's too easy to do.
One day at a time. One moment at a time. One step at a time. I feel like I've taken a big step today, even though it was really difficult. Is there something you are needing to bite the bullet on, but just haven't taken the plunge? Is something holding you back? I will hold your hand, as you continue to hold mine.
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