I attended our support group tonight. Two of the couples who also attended, are days away from the one year mark of the loss of their precious children - Ryder and Salem. Since the holidays have passed, Preston's angelversary has certainly been on my mind. I mentioned something tonight that everyone seemed to agree with - it's been the shortest and longest year of my life. Time is relative - you've probably read this statement within my blog maybe times.
It's been the shortest year because it seems like a bad dream that Preston is gone. It feels like losing him just happened. And it did - 10 months ago. It feels like the longest year because at the same time, it feels like a decade ago that I held my baby.
When I came home, I did something I seldom do - I opened the door to Preston's room and walked in. I stroked the mattress in his crib where he used to lay. I looked in the mini bassinet that we stored in the crib after he passed - when we needed to hideaway all his things. We continue to have that need. It was filled with some toys, onesies, binkies and right on top - his social security card. Remember how I'd been looking for it? Funny how things turn up. It gave me hope, even if only for a fleeting moment.
I was sad after stepping into his room, looking through a few things, reminiscing about the nights I spent in this nursery, rocking my little guy to sleep. I was sad thinking about the upcoming days for my friends Abi and Ryan, Brittani & Skyler. Milestones should be happy, but for the bereaved parent, they are something you dread. They hurt. They are reminders of what isn't. What we are missing. What should be. I myself wish I could permanently erase March 13th from the calendar.
Will you think of my friends for the next week or so? Send them positive energy, keep them in your prayers, close to your heart. I know it sounds absurd to a lot of people, but the power of positive energy is mightier than you think. I often feel like I'm able to get up every morning because of all the support I have. Because of all the positive energy everyone sends my way. Because I'm in your prayers. So, I do believe it makes a difference. If you are so inclined, I'd even encourage you to do a random act of kindness for Ryder and Salem. Keep their memory alive.
In closing, I want to share what a friend and her husband did on Preston's birthday to spread happiness. I have so many to share, and tonight felt appropriate to share this one. That moment of hope I felt earlier, being in Preston's room, missing him, remembering brought this on.
Teddy bears were Preston's theme, as I've shared before. He was to be a Cubs fan, so teddy bears only made sense. Jess and her husband Brendan donated Tucker, a teddy bear, to the Toy Shop for Dolls for Daughters. Tucker was given a #SpreadHappinessForPreston card and the child who receives Tucker, will learn all about Preston. I was so touched when I read Jess' card, about this gesture, and donation. It tugged at all the strings of my heart - in a good way. The teddy bear, making a child smile by receiving said teddy bear, and sharing Preston with another person. What more could a mom want? Thank you guys. Thank you for sharing my son's story, his life, his smile. Thank you for your wishes for peace on Preston's birthday and every other day. Really, truly it makes such a difference in my life. You make such an impact, and I don't think I could ever repay you. <3
I think I tell you this all the time, but still not a often as you deserve - you are wonderful. Really. You are hurting so much but you constantly take the time to help other loss parents and offer so much support. I will keep your friends in my prayers. And I will probably never look at another teddy bear without thinking of Preston :)
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