I've been struggling lately to stay on top of this project. I'm tired, but it's also a little mentally draining, as I'm thinking about certain things I haven't thought of in a while. I'm re-living other things. And well, the pregnancy hormones don't help! ;)
So I'm going to slowly play catch-up. I might end up skipping some subjects all together or I may just finish this project in November, we'll see. One day at a time.
I don't think I have any regrets in regards to how I've grieved so far. If anything, I'm proud of myself for having been able to keep a positive attitude, most of the time, throughout this tragedy. This isn't to say I have no regrets when it comes to Preston. With all my heart, I wish I'd taken the day off, the day he passed away. Maybe he'd still be with us. I wish I'd at least considered a community daycare instead of being stuck on wanting an in-home daycare. I wish I'd found a way to spend even more time with him. I wish I had a better memory.
Is there a way to heal these regrets? I try to keep in mind that there's only so much I can control. Even if I'd done all those things, he might still have passed away. I don't know how the universe works. So, I remind myself, control what you can. Keeping that in mind, I'm able to not feel so much guilt in regards to these regrets. They probably will never go away, but I won't let myself feel the sting on a daily basis.
Triggers? What are triggers exactly? It can be anything that "triggers" your memory, making it flash back to the original trauma or feelings relating to the trauma. I have several. They may not be as difficult to deal with as they used to be, but depending on the day, they can be just as bad as they were a year ago. Grief has no timeline.
- Fire trucks, ambulances and sirens. I wasn't there, but I know that Preston was taken to the hospital by paramedics in an ambulance. Sirens tend to send me for a loop.
- Driving by the hospital that's next to my house. I do it every day, and it sucks. That's where I found out I had a miscarriage in 2012, and that's where my son was pronounced. I've gotten pretty good at ignoring it, but just thinking about it now, is making me really emotional. I don't throw a lot of hate out there... but I hate that place. One more year until that new highway exit so that I can not drive by it every day....
- My cell phone ringing at work. It still haunts me: "Preston's not breathing". I guess there's a reason my cell phone is always on vibrate instead of on a ringer.
- Excessive complaining regarding kids. It just makes me sad, because I'd give anything to have my son back, even if it meant a thousand sleepless nights and tantrums. I understand everyone needs to vent, but it's still something I struggle with.
- Any news item regarding kids being mistreated. The younger they are, the worse it is. I'm sure these stories are hard for anyone. They're difficult for me because, why does someone who mistreats children have children, when I did everything right and lost mine? For no reason!
In the shadows, the light exists. Remember that. While this post itself has been sending me into a tailspin, I just received the sweetest message from my cousin:
Preston came for a beautiful visit with me today. He appeared to me in the most radiant rainbow I have ever seen. It had the most vibrant colors I have ever seen set against a dark grey sky.Thank you for sharing Natalie. I appreciate you, and bless my son for sending you that rainbow when he did. <3
While this is the subject for day 13, today is October 15th. It is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. At 7pm, around the world, candles are being lit in remembrance of babies who have passed. #Wave of Light
My candle has been lit for the past hour. For Preston, and for all the friends he's made along the way. All the babies, who look down from Heaven at us tonight. Missing you every day baby boy. Mama loves you <3
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