It's something I've done on several occasions. I've written about who Preston was, what my dreams were for him, how he changed my life. I stumbled on a few of my entries last night and I've honestly been avoiding writing this piece today. Why? Part of me feels like I'd be repeating myself. Part of me feels like I wouldn't be able to live up to what I've already written. Part of me felt sad, looking through pictures trying to find a good one I haven't yet shared. These are getting harder and harder to find.
Nonetheless, as discussed yesterday, it is my intention to put a lot of effort into my blog and to share my son. So I will give it my best shot.
Preston was born on November 19, 2013, about 5 weeks early. He measured 19 inches, but weighed only 4 pounds and 5 ounces. The placenta had stopped giving him nutrients, which preventing any "meat" from forming on his bones. Poor little guy. It's not something I want to get into today, but it's a big source of guilt for me. I want to mention it though, in the event others out there feel this way, so that you know that you aren't alone.
He didn't spend his first day in the NICU, but was soon sent there because he struggled with feedings and holding his own heat. It was a scary time, but we were told, it was the best reason for going to the NICU. Aside from being early, there was nothing wrong with him medically. It was a source of extreme relief. His nurses were so attentive and we were able to feed and change him as much as we wanted. He continued to struggle with feedings for a couple days, but one nurse assured us that he would soon get the hang of it and from then on, he would be okay. Sure enough, he made strides every day. Drinking more and more, needing the incubator less and less. Finally, on Thanksgiving day, he was able to come home.
I was extremely nervous the first few days. Preston made so many little noises, and I feared so much for something to happen. Hopefully that's normal first time parent behavior. Within a few days though, I got used to his sounds and we created a good routine. Still though, I continued to have fears. I prayed every night for God to watch over him while we couldn't, as we slept. I thanked Him, before asking Him to watch over Preston. I think with time, it helped me sleep a little more soundly.
Aside from the struggles we had with feeding him, Preston was a relatively easy baby. He didn't cry often, unless he was wet. Being wet, was the end of the world to Preston, no matter how wet he was. The only fix was a new diaper. Can I say, we went through a LOT of diapers? That notion always makes me smile and even laugh out loud.
Speaking of smiles, he had the most contagious smile. I would spend hours after work trying to make him smile. With baby talk, smiles, and tickles on his belly. He loved it. Quite honestly, I loved it more than he did, but that's probably obvious. We were a really happy bunch.
Even though he's no longer with us, I treasure the memories of him I have. How he loved to wiggle his legs all_the_time. How he loved to stare at the colorful painting above our couch during his feedings. How enthralled he seemed watching Big Cat Diary with his dad after his first feeding of the day. How for a time, This Little Piggy seemed like the greatest game in the world. How he seemed to understand everything I told him about the world.
Those memories of such simple things have helped me gain appreciation for the little things in life. His smile, and the happiness that radiated from him have helped me find a positive way to grieve. I miss him terribly. Every day. I think of him constantly, and it isn't always easy. Most times though, I manage to smile because I know that's what he would want me to do. Preston would want me to continue smiling. It's a thought that is hard to grasp, but I do it. I do it as often as possible, in his honor. And all I can hope, is that when you read about him, or about my journey, is that somewhere along the way, you smile too. I know that it's not a fairy tale ending, and it never will be, but I've come to learn that his purpose was to spread happiness and I'm the lucky one who got to live it first hand. The happiness that he created. I hope I do him proud by sharing him with the world, and attempt to get others to smile too.
Watching Big Cat Diary
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