Capture Your Grief 2015 - Express Your Heart

Neglected.  That's how I feel I've treated my blog lately.  I've wanted to write, but I've let so many things get in the way.  Time.  Fatigue.  Emotions.  Not being able to find the words.

Yet, almost every time I start writing, things just seem to flow.  I thought of skipping this subject (day 14) but it felt like the perfect opportunity to bring up a subject that's been heavy on my heart for months.  And it is even more so now.

When I learned that I was pregnant again, there were so many emotions.  Fear.  Gratitude.  Happiness.  Blessed.  Sadness.  From day to day, I've felt confused about how I should feel.  I should be so grateful.  Yet, Preston should be sharing in this moment.  I should be happy, yet I feel terrified of losing another child.  It's been a constant tug of war in my heart.

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that we are going to be welcoming our little girl in a couple months.  And I have a lot of good days where I'm excited.  But there are moments that are so difficult.  Reaching certain milestones.  Realizing that Samantha moves so much more than Preston, which maybe should have been a hint that things weren't going as great as I thought with my pregnancy with Preston.

For months, I knew we'd have to make a decision about Preston's nursery.  Does it become Samantha's, or do we transform it into a guest room and make the guest room into Samantha's room?  We opted to turn Preston's room into Samantha's.  We decided it was a place he was always happy and comfortable.  We made the decision to keep certain parts of the nursery intact - including the wall pictured above.  If I can have it my way, this wall will remain baby blue with the red, white and blue stripes for the Cubs (and Canadiens) for the rest of time.  Hopefully Samantha doesn't have a problem with it as she grows older.

And so, last weekend, hubby and I entered the nursery together for the first time since March 2013.  We moved a lot of things over to the guest room so that we could put away some of Preston's things, so that we could possibly move the furniture in a different pattern and so that I could make a mental inventory of what we might need.

I'd been in this room a handful of times.  Sometimes, I would manage to stay for only a few seconds, while others, I was able to spend a good half hour reading a book to Preston, as I rocked back and forth in the rocking chair, as we used to so often.  I knew cleaning out the nursery was going to be difficult.  I didn't expect it would hit me like a ton of bricks.

So many things were hidden away in drawers, or underneath other items.  Some of which I hadn't looked at in over a year and a half.  Just the fact that we were changing things up, and putting away some things for good.  It brought back that sharp initial pain that existed when I learned my baby boy was gone.  It brought back all those agonizing memories I wish I could call a nightmare.  Except this time, there was no fogginess to protect me.  There was no numbness.  No feelings of disbelief.  How could there be, having lived with this for 19 months?

Needless to say, we were only able to work in there for an hour or so.  We threw away a few things, we made the decision to wash some of his clothes, sheets and blankets.  We moved the crib from one side of the room to the other.  And since that evening, the door to the nursery has been opened.

This afternoon, I went in and folded all the clothes that hubby washed.  I put away all the 3 month old clothes, and placed a bunch of Preston's things into the chest that's at the foot of our bed.  Things I don't want his sister to share.  His lamp.  The sheet and blanket that were part of his bedroom set.  His "my first Christmas" onesie, along with some of my favorite clothes of his - including his preemie "pinch me I'm cute" one (and his 3 month old version of it).  It's the one he came home from the hospital in and the only one we didn't donate to the hospital once he didn't fit into the preemie stuff anymore.    His Brandon Marshall Chicago Bears jersey to match his dad's.  Some binkies and other memorabilia.

While his things will be tucked away out of sight, they will be close by if we ever want to see them.  And there are things of Preston's that Samantha will share for sure.  She inherits all his stuffed animals and toys.  She'll share his favorite swing and bouncer.  His bear bathrobe.  Some of the decorations in the nursery.  Some clothes even.  Though, I suppose, it's possible that if it's too hard to see her in them, it won't be for very long.

I went on a shopping spree yesterday and bought her a bunch of things.  A new lamp for the nursery.  A mobile with a moon and stars.  A ton of clothes.  She's going to be a little fashionista, let me tell you.  Her wardrobe is more expensive than mine and it's just newborn sized.  I think someone's going to be a spoiled little girl!  Well, let her be.  I'll just have to make sure she doesn't become a spoiled brat. ;)

When one door closes, another opens.

I will never, ever forget my son.  I will continue to think about him every day, even when he becomes a big brother.  Samantha will not replace Preston in any way, shape or form.  She has a special place in my heart, in my life, just like Preston does.  I can only hope, that Preston knows.