Thanksgiving and memories

This time last year, I was standing in the parking lot at Target, waiting for them to open the doors for the Black Friday sales.  My intentions weren't to go shopping on Black Friday.  I had a newborn at home.  But he weighed just over 4 pounds, and he was so little that we couldn't have him sleep in his crib.  So I ventured off to Target to buy a bassinet.  It was cold, and there were so many people.  The line looped around the parking lot.  I found the perfect bassinet and somehow was able to have a clerk go check in the back if there were some, as there weren't any on the store floor.  It took awhile, as I'm sure the clerk was interrupted several times by mobs of customers.  I was lucky; there was one left in stock!  The clerk brought it to the customer service desk as I went to look for a couple more items, since I didn't have a cart.  They were all taken.  I remember buying at least another thing, not sure what.

The clerk at customer service was so nice and let me check out there, instead of making me head to the check out line where hundreds of people were standing.  I count my stars that he allowed me that courtesy.  An extra hour or two with my son, which to most people doesn't seem like a lot but to me, it's equivalent to years since I only got 16 weeks with him.

Brett set up the bassinet, and Preston slept in our room for a good 2 months.  In the middle of the night, I'd feed him in the rocking chair that is still in his nursery.  After he'd eaten, and burped, I would rock him, or read to him, or sing to him.  I'd play lullabies for him, they would play from his swing as I rocked him in my arms.  There were nights, where he'd be asleep but as soon as I put him down in his bassinet, he would wake up and cry.  I found this one lullaby on YouTube, and would play it from my tablet, as I rocked the bassinet until he would fall asleep.  I did that for about 3 weeks, I think.

Today is Thanksgiving.  A day to be with family and celebrate all that we are thankful for.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  I know it.  I've written about it countless times.  It doesn't make it easier though.  Thanksgiving will forever be a monumental milestone for Preston - he came home.  Although his stay in the NICU was short, it was still terrifying.  The doctors and nurses were wonderful and their words comforted us - "Preston is in the NICU for the best of reasons; He's just really small, and needs to get a little stronger so that he cane control his own temperature and have enough energy to eat."  He did just that.  Everyone was pulling for him, and a Thanksgiving blessing - he came home that day.  We had a small feast at our house, as Brett's parents, his sister Erin and fiance Jason had come over with delicious food.

Today, I'm once again thankful for the 16 weeks I had with my son.  I don't understand why he had to go.  I never will.  I don't know that I'll ever really get fully past that.  I know he's in good hands, though I feel he'd be in better hands with me.  Is that wrong to say?  I am not trying to defy God, or say that I don't trust Him.  I do, I'm just still oh so hurt by the loss of my precious baby.  I'm still raging mad inside that Preston had to be one of the precious babies that didn't get to see his first birthday.  I'm still grieving.  I will be forever.  Ironically, I find comfort in that very notion - I will grieve forever, because that is how deep the love I felt for him, how deep the love I still feel for him.

I'm thankful for memories, even when they make me sad.  They are good memories.  Happy memories, and they are only made hard, because Preston is no longer here.  They are made difficult, because on such a family day, his presence is missed.  Holidays to me are family time, and something just feels off without him, even if we only had him for one Thanksgiving, one Christmas and one New Year.  One day at a time.  One holiday at a time.  One moment at a time.  You will make it through.  I'm still standing.