Fly by time, by all means

These are my Preston boots.  I have a hard time believing that I bought them over 2 months ago.  I have a harder time with the realization that November is almost over, and that the year is rapidly coming to an end.  This year, like every other year has gone by quickly.  Preston's been gone for 8 months now.  I have a hard time acknowledging that fact.  Shouldn't time feel like every second is being dragged out?  

At times, it really does.  When I feel sad and when I miss Preston so much that it aches, the minutes couldn't be going slower.  And I do miss him so much every day, but I think that time, is making it more bearable.  Somehow.  It's possible that I change my mind tomorrow.  The twists and turns of grief.  As I type this, I already feel that guilt creeping in.  Why can I miss my son and bear it? Shouldn't I be miserable all the time?

I often hear or read others telling me how strong I am.  At times, I believe it.  Most of the time though, I just feel that I'm doing what anyone else in my shoes does.  I continue on because I have to. I may be strong, but for the most part, I'm just surviving.  I'm keeping busy, which is probably the main reason time seems to fly by so swiftly.

I'm currently riding a wave that is gentle and smooth.  I see the happiness that exists around me.  Preston seems to have a way to make me see the best in everything around me.  Maybe I don't want to see the bad, because I've dealt with so much of it.  I've always been optimistic, but I feel like he's shown me the light that exists in the world.  #SpreadHappinessForPreston showed me how much people really care about those around them.  They really care about making the world a happy place.

I didn't have a lot of direction with this post.  Perhaps that's why I struggled with a title for quite a while.  I guess if I have a point it is this: Breathe in the good times.  When you are humming along smoothly, acknowledge what you are appreciating.  When the wind eventually brings a storm, do what you have to do to get through it, and don't let anyone tell you that you're doing it wrong.  We all deal with situations differently.  Do what feels right for you.

That being said, to go back to the question I asked myself earlier: Shouldn't I be miserable all the time?  Losing my son broke my heart.  Losing Preston is something I think about every day.  I love my son just as much as if he was here for me to hold.  That will never go away.  There is no day that will go by where I won't think about him.  For my sanity, for my heart to heal, I need elements of happiness in my life.  I need to lead the busy life I've become accustomed to.  I thrive on being busy all day at work, with no reprieve.  I really do.  I probably do more now than ever.  All that often brings me some joy, and makes time go by really quickly.  Would time moving slower help me?  As Krystal told me a couple times, every day, I'm one day closer to seeing Preston again.  Fly by time, by all means :)