A way out

I was thankful for our group meeting yesterday.  Our topic was the upcoming holiday season, which for me, also includes a slew of birthdays including my own, my husband and our son's.  As I'm sure I've said before, the anticipation of certain days or holidays can be very tough.  There are days, occasions that you dream of.  You envision the details of these special days, like birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, Easter, etc.  What would Preston be doing? What would we buy him?  What would he like?

You anticipate, imagine and drive yourself crazy with these details, these mental pictures that will never be.  And then you anticipate how you will feel on those days, where your dreams are now null and void.  For some, like me, I've learned that the anticipation is worse than the actual day.  I've done a lot of this visualizing.  I've awaited for the worst.  Now, I feel like I've already lived the worst day of my life.  Nothing can be worse.  I'm trying to not anticipate too much.  Trying to take it a day at a time, a moment at a time.

The thing is though, there's no win-win possibilities here.  If I don't anticipate, I might just end up getting him by a mac-truck of emotions on a certain "special" day.  If I don't anticipate, I might just lose it altogether on Thanksgiving, Preston's birthday or Christmas.  Or I might not.

A way out.  That was one of the things we discussed at group yesterday.  That might mean, skip out on one of these occasions, or all, if you need to.  Go for a walk if all you need is a moment to yourself.  If you are out of town, rent a hotel, a car, and go there if you need to.  Stay home and spend it with your significant other, or immediate family.  Ask that the tradition of saying what you are thankful for this year is skipped.

I don't know how I will feel on Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Or Preston's birthday.  I won't be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We'll be at Brett's parents house.  I know we have a guest room there, where I can go to be by myself should I feel the need.  I know I can go for a nature walk if that might make me feel better.  I know, I can ask Brett to take me home, if all else fails.  It's just an hour and a half away, weather permitting.

Whatever the case may be, if you've lived through a traumatic experience, know that you don't need to force yourself through these family oriented holidays.  Your family will be happy to see you, but they will understand if what you need is to be alone.  Or if what you need is to be constantly in their presence.  There is no right or wrong way.  Just know, that it's okay to have an escape plan, if that is what you need.  You just have to do what feels right for you, and what will help you move forward.

Have you ever had a difficult holiday season?  What did you do to cope?  Could you have benefited from a way out?