Emotions gone wild

I mentioned yesterday that signs from Preston were few and far between during my vacation.  The picture above was taken on the drive home from Vegas somewhere in Utah.  The P in the mountain made me smile.  Now it doesn't stand for Preston, and I forget the name of the town it honors, but I could have easily missed it.  I did not, and the mere fact that it made me smile, and tear up, was special to me.

I'm not one to like showing my emotions in public.  I suppose, that is probably the case for most people.  There was a time in my life, when I was younger, more naive and still learning what life was all about, when I couldn't control my emotions.  Nothing I could do, would control any tears, or laughter.  It bugged me that I could cry so easily, for what I felt were stupid reasons.  With time and maturity, I think I've gotten much better at keeping it together.  Maybe it's thanks for having learned to deal with certain situations.  Or maybe it's due to that professionalism standard while at work.  Sometimes, it's probably helped by the fact that I always have something to do.

Since the beginning of the week though, my emotions are so close to the surface I can feel them overflowing.  I was on the train home last night and I was writing down thoughts as they came, because I've been frustrated lately by having great ideas for my blog, and then poof, it's gone.  So many thoughts were bringing tears to my eyes.  I didn't want to control them, didn't try to control them, but they were there without a moments warning.  The thoughts weren't all Preston related, but I suppose most were.  This sentence kept coming back to me "memories fade" and that's a scary notion.  I've reread some of my blog entries lately, and for the life of me, couldn't remember writing them.  I'm glad I did though, because it helps preserve those memories that are slowly starting to fade.

For that reason, if you are finding that you have memories that are starting to fade, I encourage you to write them down.  Even if it is just a few words that might trigger that memory.  For example, my brother the other day, talked about some of his favorite memories, and one of them was when we slept over at my Grandmere's house.  We'd sleep in the living room, in sleeping bags, or on these uncomfortable orange cots, and when we could, we'd sneak her dog into the room.  I don't remember much about my Grandmere.  She passed away 25 years ago, and I don't know about you, but my memories of being 8 are few and far between.  But seeing those words my brother wrote about these times we spent at her house, triggered all sorts of other memories.  I can now map out her apartment.  I remember hearing the city bus passing by at night as we tried to sleep.  I remember that her living room had a weird accordion type door.  She had a green couch, and always had hard candies in a bowl.

Preston's birthday is now palpable.  Tomorrow.  Only a day away.  My emotions are all over the place.  All the things I wanted to do, had we been so lucky.  All the things I thought about doing, but don't have the strength to do.  Get some blue balloons to release into the sky.  Bake a cake in the teddy bear shaped cake pan.  Send a present to a one year old little boy somewhere who shares his birthday.  Maybe next year.  Maybe not.  I think I just need to "feel" out this year, see how it goes.  In the meantime, I fear that my feelings will be all over the board for a little while.  Maybe it will be better in a few days.  Perhaps not.  One day at a time. One moment at a time while I continue the wild ride that is this nonstop roller-coaster.