Petey the bunny

I received this bunny today around lunchtime from my co-worker, my friend Kay.  Kay has a big heart and has a really sweet soul.  I've known Kay for almost 6 years now, and she's always in a good mood.  She saw this bunny in a store and just had to buy it because it made her think of me.  Thank you Kay, you brought tears to my eyes today.

I've been struggling lately with the lessened amount of signs I'm seeing.  Am I looking for them less?  Maybe part of me knows seeing rainbows and bunnies in the winter will be extremely rare?  Is it possible that I'm just getting less signs because I don't need them as much?  These questions have been swirling around in my head for a couple months now.  I think it's probably a combination of it all.  It all saddens me though.  I don't want to look for less signs.  I don't want to need less signs.  I'd love to have signs every day.

I don't know how Heaven works, what angels can and can't do.  I can only speculate.  In my mind, a visit from an angel is something really special.  For it to be special, it can't be something that occurs every time you want it to.  For it to be meaningful, it has to be something you aren't expecting.  If you're lucky, sometimes you'll get a sign when you ask for it, but I think those may be reserved for times when you really need them.  I think they may be reserved to help you keep your faith, when it's at an incredibly low point.

I'm not better than I was 8 months ago.  I have adapted to this new, different life I'm living.  This acclimatization makes it easier to cope with the emptiness Preston left behind.  I'm able to function, and live to the best of my ability.  For these reasons, I may not need as many signs.  I wish it weren't true, but at the same time, I don't want to go back to a place where the pain is too hard to live with.  That pain resurfaces on occasion.  It always will find a way to sneak into my life.

In the meantime, this new little friend, has earned a stay on my desk at work.  For every day that I don't get a sign from Preston, I have a bunny to say hello to.  I'll have a subtle reminder of my son with me during my work week.  It will bring a smile to my face and remind me that Preston wants me to smile, and be happy.  I will comfort me, in knowing how much my friends care for me.

My friend Wanda asked me what I would name the bunny.  I didn't know what it would be until I started writing this post and Petey the bunny just flowed from my fingers.  I guess I had Petey on the mind.  A fellow angel mom lost her son Petey at 20 weeks of pregnancy on March 27th, 2014.  That was 8 months ago today.  Angel mama ChickinNH is now pregnant (yay!), and has reached the milestone in her pregnancy where she is the exact number of weeks and days into this new pregnancy than she was when she lost Petey.  Milestones are hard.  I keep thinking about tomorrow.  Thanksgiving.  Last year, Preston coming home was our Thanksgiving miracle.  This year, he's already gone when he should be waddling around as a one year old.  Not the way it was supposed to be for Preston.  Not the way it was supposed to be for Petey.

Perhaps it's silly, but I hope that Petey the bunny can somehow help memorialize the real Petey, ChickinNH's son.  All the while he makes me smile as a reminder of Preston, Petey the bunny will remind me of Petey.  Live on little angels.  In our hearts, and in everything around us.