I thought I'd try doing Positively February again this year. Hopefully I'm able to keep up with it. I will try my best, but as most know, as a mom, free time is not always easy to find... especially since I want to spend as much time as possible with Samantha before I go back to work in 5 and a half weeks. How time flies...
"Grief never ends... but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith... It is the price of love." - Unknown
What I've come to learn in the last almost 2 years is that grief truly does never end. I think of my son every day. Some days, it makes me smile. Other days, it's as painful to think about him as it was in the days after losing him. Just today, we put Sami in one of Preston's old fleece pajamas. The one with the penguins. It was too much. We had to take it off within 10 minutes of putting it on, even though she was fast asleep. Triggers still exist that will send us into a tailspin even though we have so much joy in our lives again with our little girl.
I agree that grief isn't a place we should stay in. While grief never ends, it's a journey. Not a linear journey by all means, but a long winding journey filled with peaks and valleys. I often have memory flashes of Preston while rocking Sami. Or while playing with her as she learns to smile. I love every minute with her, but it's certainly not always easy. She's filled a huge part of the hole that exists in my heart, but she will never fully fill it. Nor would I want her too. I love Preston just as much as I love her.
That makes it so hard sometimes. I want to be so happy, yet here comes a memory that just makes me want to fall apart. And it's not her fault. I hope that when I do shed a few tears, it doesn't cause her any anxiety.
I've never felt that grief was a sign of weakness. Nor have I ever felt that keeping on going after Preston passed was a sign of strength. It's purely survival. You don't have a choice. You keep going. And faith? Well, yes, my faith is still shaken but I continue to pray. I continue to be mad at God and often ask for his forgiveness for being mad at Him. But I believe He understands. He lost his son too after all.
Grief certainly is the price of love. I wouldn't trade having had Preston in my life for anything in the world. It was worth every second. The pain I still feel today, was worth it. Don't be afraid to love because you might lose.
I don't know how positive this post has been, so let me end it this way. Grief is a non-linear journey. Don't get discouraged if you feel that you are taking a step back. Or taking 3 steps back for every one that you take. It's ok to feel weak. Basically, anything you are feeling is ok. You need to feel what you need to feel. I would however urge anyone who feels overly depressed to talk to someone. Let it out. What you are thinking and feeling, share it. Share the love you felt. In time, you will see that your grief takes different shapes. I hope one of those shapes, even if not all the time, takes the shape of positivity. <3
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