Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. - Joseph Campbell
My sweet boy. I remember the day we had professional pictures taken like it was yesterday. I'm not good at remembering things vividly. I remember that day really well. And after Preston passed, I felt so much guilt. Guilt for going back to work. Guilt for sending him to daycare. Guilt for not spending as much time with him as I could have. Guilt for not being there for his final moments. And guilt for wanting a picture of him as an angel. I thought it would be cute. And of course it is cute, but I felt and still feel like I tempted fate... given that now Preston is a real angel.
Guilt is one of those emotions that often appears into my conscience. Sometimes it is brought on by an event, or a thought. Sometimes it just lingers for days on end. It's probably the grieving emotion I've felt the most aside from sadness.
Sadness. Guilt. These emotions are what made me need to find some joy to be able to survive. To be able to move forward. To be able to get through each day.
My place of joy? Remembering all those special smiles that Preston would flash at me. All I had to do was smile at him and there was his beaming smile. I have hung on to the memories of the happiness that exuded from my son. I have grasped on to the notion that Preston would want me to be happy. That he would want me to find a reason to smile every day.
And it's worked. For the most part anyway.
With the arrival of Preston's sister, Samantha, I've now another pure source of joy.
No comments:
Post a Comment