The fears of loss in pregnancy, and the fears for a healthy baby went away when Samantha was born. She had a good cry when she came into the world and although she was small (5 lbs 13 oz), she looked healthy. While these fears went away, new fears appeared. Fears I knew would be there, but feeling them has been more overwhelming than anticipated.
It is difficult to sleep. Not because I have to be up every three hours to feed our baby, but because of that crippling fear of loss. I constantly feel like I need to watch her. That need has lessened since the first few days, but it is still there. At this time, the only person I trust to watch her as I sleep is my husband. It's not that I don't want to trust other people, I'm just still very sensitive to the loss of Preston, and that loss has created an immense fear of losing our daughter too. I do not want to live in fear forever, and every day it seems to slowly get better, but it will take time.
The most stressful moments so far? There has been several but the stand outs - when the nurse took our daughter for her 15 minute check up on night two (or one?) and she was gone for 30 minutes. She hadn't been eating well and it felt like at times she was choking. My tired mind, and my aching heart jumped to irrational conclusions and I began to panic that something was wrong. Turns out, she had some amniotic fluid in her belly which was making it hard for her to feed, so they decided to do a lavage, removing all the fluids from her belly. Not being aware that this was going on, I had a mini anxiety attack and hubby went to look for her. All in all, everything ended well as she started feeding better again.
The other moment was when we were re-admitted a day after going home due to Samantha having jaundice. Our little girl had to go on the bili-bed. It was absolutely gut-wrenching. Her cries as she couldn't see anything due to the baby goggles. Her cries as we couldn't pick her up to soothe her. Her constant wiggling from one side to the other as she tried to soothe herself. Finally, we decided to give her a pacifier to help her fall asleep. It worked as long as she sucked on it long enough without spitting it out. For what felt like hours, I would have to stand there, with my finger propping the pacifier, all the while trying not to provide any shade on her. She was on the high-tech bed and LED lights for 14 hours... some of the longest hours of my life. Moments of relief happened every three hours when I got to pick her up and feed her. Needless to say, I didn't sleep for the duration of our hospital stay (which thankfully was only about 24 hours).
We've had a lot of happy times, which I plan to write about. I've also struggled with memories of Preston. The first time I rocked Samantha in the nursery as it reminded me of the times I spent with Preston in that same room. Listening to the songs that play from the baby swing. Sometimes, just holding her.
As we embark on this new ride, I am reminded that it will be filled with twists, turns, highs and lows. I pray that the lows are few, though I know I will never cease to miss my son. I pray that the twists and turns are minor. Most of all, I pray that Samantha lives a long (very long), healthy life.
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