One year ago already

Today marks one year on a calender.  One year since my son gained eternal life.  Krystal, thank you for putting it this way.  I like it better than most alternatives.

Today is one of those days, those "milestone" days where I would expect to be totally sad.  A day where I feel my whole being telling me that I should be in excruciating pain in remembrance of the events that transpired Thursday, March 13, 2014.  I felt some of that yesterday too.  There's a big difference between should and what is.  Preston should be here with his mom and dad, but he's in Heaven instead.

My goal wasn't, isn't to go into a should vs. reality rant.  My goal is simply to say, today feels like most days.  The recollections from this day last year, don't just come on these significant days.  They appear in my mind sporadically.  Most often, as I drive by the hospital.  Often, when it's late at night and I can't sleep.  To tell you those images didn't enter my mind today would be a lie.  I had my deep grief moment around 3:30, which is around the time I found out Preston had stopped breathing last year.  I saw the clock, and I froze.  I shed some tears, and ached for my son.  And then I got right back to helping my hubby with painting our half bathroom slash laundry room.

Today, is not a day I want to celebrate.  I've said it several times, I wish I could erase this day from all future calendars.  Since I can't, I wish it to be as "normal" a day as possible.  Not knowing what to expect, I did take the day off.  I slept in, watched a bit of TV and helped my husband with the renovation projects he's been working on all week.  I hope to have a nice quiet evening, attempting to "heal" some friends and strangers as they attempt to defeat the monsters in a World of Warcraft dungeon.  It sounds geeky, and maybe it seems to be a weird way to spend today, but it is night and day to how we spent this day last year, and that to me, sounds perfect.

When I look back on this day, whether it's tomorrow, or 3 years from now, I will not remember it as the day I spent remembering the day I lost my son.  I will remember it as a day of love, filled with rainbows, color and support.  The forecast today predicted a rainstorm.  I was hoping for it, because I thought it might mean the first rainbow of the year, which would have been perfect for today.  There was no rainstorm, rather a few sprinkles around noon which lasted a whole 2 minutes.

No rainbow in the sky? No problem! I got several rainbows.  I got a gift bag from Wanda yesterday, adorned with tissue papers of rainbow colors.  It also had spiraled ribbons as colorful as rainbows.  This bag contained the stone bunny pictured above, for Preston's garden.  Simply perfect Wanda.  It was totally not necessary but I appreciate it so much.  It warms my heart and I can't wait to get Preston's garden ready for Spring.  Even more so now.

We received a beautiful plant from Charles & Kate.  Bromeliads.  Orange, and red and purple.  The colors of this plant pop, and really remind me of Preston.  We thank you for that and driving all the way to our place to give it to us.  You guys are just amazing.

Jarad and Katie got us a gift certificate to a plant nursery.  It'll be nice to get something and plant it in Preston's memory.  Thank you guys.  It means so much to us.

We received beautiful cards, bundles of text messages, Facebook messages and posts, and I had several messages on the BBC forums.  I also got beautiful Jamberry nail coverings from Jamie.  They are rainbows.  I wanted to wear them this week, but with the renovations, I decided to wait until things are back to normal in our house so that I can enjoy them.

And so, on this day, I hope that my message continues to go around the world.  Spread a little happiness whenever you can.  A little happiness can go a long way for someone.  And if you need a reason to do it, do it for Preston.  Do it in his memory.  Do it because it makes him smile, as he looks down on us, perched on a perfect, fluffy white cloud.

Finally, I'd like to share this poem I found last night.  I don't know the author, but it seemed to be fitting:

On The Anniversary of the Day You Went Away

Today's the anniversary

Of the day that I lost you,

And for a time it felt as though

My life had ended too.

But loss has taught me many things

And now I face each day,

With hope and happy memories

To help me on my way.

And though I'm full of sadness

That you're no longer here,

Your influence still guides me

And I still feel you near.

What we shared will never die

It lives within my heart,

Bringing strength and comfort

While we are apart.

I love you Preston.  Forever and ever.