I had trouble falling asleep on Thursday night. It must have been at least 1:00 am when I finally drifted off. This was however, hours after I had been in bed. Too many thoughts going on in my mind I guess. Fantasy baseball picks, the party menu and planning for Saturday, work, getting the house in order, and of course Preston.
What would he be like? Why did we have to lose him? Maybe I was too selfish when we had him which meant I didn't deserve him? I thought of his smile, and his coo. I remembered reading bedtime stories to him.
I tried watching some Pretty Little Liars episodes to help clear my mind. It worked to some extent, until I caught glimpse of something bright peaking through the blinds. A lone star. No other stars were visible. I don't always think of Preston when I see stars, but I certainly did that night. I'd passed by the hospital where he was born earlier that day, where they have a new banner which states "where stars are born".
Everyone has the potential of becoming a bright star. By this I mean, it's possible for anyone to change someone's life. Preston is my bright star. He changed me, my life. Through life and death. He continues to, over a year later.
As the hours ticked away on Thursday night, the star moved across my window, always visible through one of the slats of the window shade. It oddly brought me reassurance. Reassurance that I shouldn't beat myself up for whatever I was worrying about. Comfort that I didn't do anything wrong as a mom with Preston. Confidence that I'd figure things out, whatever those things might be. I'd figure out how to get everything ready on time for the party.
I will remember this lone star for a long time, and hope to recall it anytime I need inspiration. Especially inspiration to believe in myself. Inspiration to be someone else's bright star.
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