Cheesy goodness

I can't go without acknowledging what today is.  September 19th, marks the day Preston would have turned 10 months old.  I don't know that we would have celebrated this day in a grandiose fashion if he had been here.  Probably would have wished him a happy 10 months and taken some pictures, but that's probably it.  When the 19th comes around each month, it's difficult not to think about what Preston would be like today, at that age.  What he would be doing.  On the verge of taking his first steps? Babbling trying to say a couple words?  How big would he be? 15, 16 pounds?  He was 11 lbs, 3 oz the last time I held him.

Despite today being what it is, the day was manageable.  This is going to sound so odd, but there was a moth of the train this morning, and it flew to the bench in front of where I sat, and turned around and looked at me for a couple seconds.  Totally weird right?  Later, about halfway through the ride, this bird kept following the train.  Followed us for a couple stations.  And as I was getting on the elevator, listening to one last song on Pandora before starting my workday... the song took forever to load.  I was actually about to shut down the app.. but Iris came on, just when I was about to.  I don't associate moths or birds with Preston.  But these odd things plus Iris coming on, today, on a day where I'd give absolutely anything for signs from my baby boy, because that's all I've got... these weren't just coincidences.  Signs.  Serendipity because I've got an open heart.

Also making my day easier, my angel mom friends who wrote nice messages to me today.  Telling me they are thinking of me, and Preston.  Wishing me and my husband a gentle day.  Telling me how much they love to see Preston's smile in pictures and that they are thankful that I have shared him with them.  This really warmed up my heart.  It made my day, that much easier to go through.  Thank you ladies, from the bottom of my heart.

Lastly, looking forward to dinner, has made today a little easier.  On day 28, I am thankful for pizza.  Call me crazy for being thankful for such a trivial thing.  For something not so healthy.  I've touched on this a bit last month, but I will explain again.  A fellow angel mom, Krystal, honors her twin boys gone too soon, by celebrating them on every 10th.  Last month she had ordered orange juice which she craved while pregnant with Conner and Benjamin, even though it's something she really can't stand.  It inspired me to have pizza every 19th of the month.  You see, when I was pregnant with Preston and would eat pizza, he would have a party in my belly, moving more than usual.  It was one of the coolest feelings and something I will remember forever.  I love pizza, but my goal is now to limit myself to only having it on the 19th though there's not too much I can do if we are invited somewhere and pizza is served, or if I come home to pizza having been ordered.  Regardless, I will do my best to keep pizza for the 19th, to celebrate my little boy.

We also watched the Avengers tonight, which I hadn't seen.  I rather enjoyed it.  Nice way to end the week, the day, the "month".  Good way to celebrate Preston, by spending the night, just me and Brett. 

Every day is special to someone out there.  Every day, it's someone's birthday, someone's anniversary.  Every day, someone has something to celebrate - successes, graduations, victories.  Sometimes the celebration is bittersweet, like celebrating the life of a loved one who's had a long life.  Every 13th is difficult for me.  Every 19th has the potential to being difficult for me, but this new ritual of pizza, cheesy delicious goodness, helps me celebrate my son's life instead of grieving it like I do every day.  To you angel mamas who have those particularly difficult days every month, I pray that time helps make the days easier.  I pray that you find peace on those days, that those days are kind to you.  I pray, that if it's possible, you find a small way to celebrate your baby, and that it helps you heal, the way pizza has worked for me.  I sound ridiculous don't I?  Pizza heals the soul!

Heaven promises to be a happy place, where there is no more pain, or sadness.  There is no grief or tears.  Is there a party every day?  If so, I hope that today, there was a little party for Preston.  Perhaps he took his first steps on a puffy cloud and giggled.  I hope he is surrounded by loved ones.  I hope, somehow someway, Heaven can read my message, and give my baby a kiss for me.  Mama loves you sweetie pie.

Too pretty not to share.  Or tree is quickly turning gold.

Shining brightly up above

On day 27 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, I am grateful for the stars.  They shine in the darkness that is night.  They remind us of how large the universe really is.  And there's always a chance you just might see a shooting star to make a wish upon.

How peaceful is a night of star gazing?  Little sparkles of light.  Friends of the moon.  Another marvelous wonder to look at.  I read on another blog that there will be a blood moon soon.  Actually, I just looked it up and it should be on October 7th or 8th.  I don't recall seeing a blood moon.  Sounds like a perfect night to get my camera out.  I don't think I've taken it out since we lost Preston.  All the pictures I've shared were either taken with my phone or pictures I already had taken.  Sounds silly that I haven't touched my camera right?  Last picture I took with it was of my son.  I haven't really wanted to use it since, but there is so much beauty to be captured out there.  I've been thinking about taking an online class on how to take better pictures, or something like that.  I see so many beautiful pictures taken by friends.  I wish I could take some breathlessly dazzling pictures.

I read this quote one night when I was first grieving.  Somehow reading quotes about infant loss and grief was helpful even though it was awfully painful to read.  This one stuck with me:

Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

 This quote has stayed with me since those first couple weeks, and while I don't gaze at the stars often, while I know it isn't true thanks to science.  While I can't fathom there's any truth in this hopeful quote, it provides comfort nonetheless and I just can't help thinking Preston is giving me a smile when I see the shiniest of stars in the night sky.

Serendipidy

I went shopping this weekend.  I enjoy getting a few new items for my wardrobe when a new season rolls around.  I also need new shoes.  Caveat?  I dislike shoe shopping. Oh so much!  You know that little known fact that all women love shoes?  Not for this one.  I think it probably stems from having such a hard time finding shows that fit.  My feet are odd.  They're small, but they are wide.  I also can't stand to have anything between my toes, so those shoes that have the toe separator, drive me nuts.  When I finally find something cute, it's not wide enough for my foot.  It's really frustrating.  But I needed shoes, so I tried on several pairs.  Didn't find anything that fit, or that I liked.  Looked at boots too, because I need a pair of winter boots.  I found this cute little pair, and figured, why not, try them on.  So I looked for the right box.  Well, when I found the box for the corresponding boots and saw the name.. I just knew I'd be buying them.  Like fate, they fix like a glove.

 

So on day 26 of my 30 days of gratitudes challenge, I am grateful for serendipity.  Thankful for flukes, and coincidences that happen to us throughout the course of our days.  The happy accidents of fate. 

 

Serendipity is around us and sometimes we are just too involved in our every day lives to notice.  Funny that I had a thought today at work.  Slow down.  Slow down to avoid the mistakes.  Slow down to take notice.  This is something I think we all could do a little more of every day.  Brett and I went to Lowes a week ago to buy something to cover the garden with this snow was in the forecast.  As we exited the garden center, a noise caught my attention, so I turned around to see a great horned owl.  How majestic!  I had never seen one.  The pictures aren't great because it was hard to get close to the owl, but it was still such a strange thing to see at the hardware store!  Yet, it felt like such a blessing to see something so magnificent.  It's wing span was so huge.  I'm thankful for the chance sighting!

 

I promise myself to slow down more often for the off chance of stumbling into something amazing.  Something that makes me feel blessed to be alive.  Something that makes me feel awe at our amazing world.  Our world is filled with wonders and we don't even notice.  Don't let the amazing things pass you by, you just never know, when they will be gone forever.  Preston was one of those wonders and I am fortuitous to be able to call myself his mama.  The wonderment of seeing him again one day is limited to the kingdom of Heaven.  In the meantime, I will rejoice in the serendipity around me... they might all just be signs from my son saying "look mama, isn't the world beautiful?"

Vacation Time

On day 25 of my 30 days of gratitudes, I am thankful for vacations.  As I bittersweetly look forward to two upcoming vacations, I am reminded of how thankful I am for them.  Vacation means family time, and is there really anything better?  Vacation means relaxation, something we all could use a little more of.  Vacations mean fun, and that is definitely something I need more of.

I have fond memories of going to my grandmere's fishing cottage when I was young.  She and her husband had built it themselves.  It was 7 hours north of Montreal, so quite the trek, but we always stopped in Quebec City to pick up my grandmere.  I remember this one year, we rented a red van.  That was probably the most fun trip.  Or maybe I was just too young and my 4ish trips are just all blending in together.

The cottage was in the most remote location you can imagine.  The only way to get there was by (motor) boat.  The closest neighbor?  I couldn't even tell you, but it was probably a 2-3 minute boat ride away.  I enjoyed walking along the shore, finding nifty looking rocks of all colors.  I adored the strolls in the wood with my grandmere's, and eventually our dog, Fifine.  I fancied picking (and eating) fresh raspberries.  The place was so rustic.  Wood burning stove.  Gas appliances.  Bunk beds.  No TVs.  No telephones.  Can you even imagine?  With this being the age of the smart phone?  Probably not right??  We played a lot of board games, and had silly fun like kids do.  I remember having the bright idea of putting our clothes over our pajamas after being told we had to go put them on.  Don't let my brothers tell you otherwise, it was my idea ;)

Could we be more 80s??

 

Those vacations to our fishing cottage are definitely the most memorable ones I had as a kid.  After my grandmere passed, the cottage eventually had to be sold, because of it's lack of proximity for maintenance and what have you.  It was sad leaving the cottage for the last time.  It felt like my last link to my grandmere was going away.  But I'm now reminded that I will forever have these memories.  Memories of doing puzzles with her, and playing penny poker.  And watching her fish.  She was awesome and oh so unique!

 

As an adult, I probably have a couple vacations to pick from that were memorable in their own ways.  Going to Hawaii with Brett was amazing.  I've never seen so much beauty all in one place.  The most colorful plants you can imagine.  The best beaches where the sand doesn't burn your feet.  The most amazing snorkeling experience minus my trying to drown Brett - not on purpose of course.  I'm a good swimmer, but the first time I was in the ocean was rather unnerving.  I was blessed to spend part of my honeymoon in Hawaii and have gone back another time.

 

 

Then there was the trip to Mexico for our friends Charles and Kate's wedding.  I was blessed to see my husband officiate his best friends' wedding.  Hurray for being able to get ordained online.  Thanks for the idea Joey! A few will get this ;).  And what a beautiful scene to be married!  The wedding was beautiful, the speeches were moving, and the whole trip was just fun.  To be able to enjoy the fun with friends was invaluable.  Visiting the Mayan ruins which I'd dreamed of since being a kid thanks to "Les Mysterieuses Citees D'or" (The Mysterious Cities of Gold), was breathtaking.  I only wish it hadn't been so darn hot of a day!  It still was fun, and Brett sure enjoyed the Corona's after the visit.  Playing volleyball on the beach.. I don't think I ever had so much fun playing a sport.  Not needing to be afraid to dive for the ball.  Oh, I wish I was back there now!  And I must admit, the all inclusive package was the best idea ever.  Free booze whenever you want (ok - just need to tip).  I'm not a big drinker.  Never have been.  Never could be thanks to my friend Crohn's disease.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.  The mojitos... yum!! They were so delicious and went down so easy!  I have a glass of wine at my in-laws who live at an elevation of about 9000 feet, and I need an immediate nap.

 

 

 

But, my favorite vacation, has to be the road trip we took in 2013.  Denver to Washington D.C. to New York to Montreal to Chicago to Denver.  We had a few pit stops in between but we did the whole trip in 10 days, I memory serves.  The best part, it was a vacation we took with Preston.  He wasn't born yet, but he was with us.  He travelled well.  The nausea had just about subsided, as had the fatigue.  Minus maybe one meal that didn't sit, the whole trip was flawless.  I got to see parts of the U.S. that I had never seen.  Driving through parts of Pennsylvania, Delaware and West Virginia were the most beautiful.  Just so luscious.  The hills, the green, the fog.  Just breathtaking!  I really enjoyed Washington DC.  What a beautifully up kept city.  Beautiful flowers on the sidewalk.  Seeing the White House was pretty cool too.  We saw a baseball game while there - Cubs vs Nationals.  Very industrial feel to Nationals Park.  In New York, I guess it was a little surreal being there without the twin towers.  I had been in '99 before the tragedies of 9/11.  We visited the unfinished site of the Freedom Tower.  We tried to visit the Statue of Liberty, but Liberty Island was closed due to the damages caused by Hurricane Sandy.  We went to Brooklyn with our friend Jimmy, who resides in New York, for dinner.  I'd never been to Brooklyn, so that was really fun.  I'd have loved to have the delicious steak they had, but there's something that's just not super appealing about well done steak. 

 I believe the name of the place was Peter Luger Steakhouse.  Totally recommend it.

In Montreal, we got to see friends and family, and announce to everyone that Preston was on his way.  Of course, we didn't know at the time that Preston was Preston, but nonetheless, everyone was so excited for us, especially given our recent struggles of a miscarriage and my health issues.  We ate at my nephew's favorite restaurant, Maddison's I believe.  I think another steakhouse.  A salad was enjoyed by me, again.  Hey, I was a happy camper.  Salads had been out of my diet for over a decade!  We enjoyed a bit of time with my family before departing for Chicago.  Chicago was cool.  Chicago is Brett's hometown so it was really cool to visit it.  We saw two Cubs games, ate some good food.  Wrigley Field was absolutely fun.  I am glad to have been there before the upcoming changes that are going to happen.  Such history to the field, to the park.  You can feel that history.  And what loyal fans.  To lose for 100 years plus and continue having such loyal fans!  Says a lot about people from Chicago.

Preston may not have known it, but he would have been a Cubs fan.  He was all geared up for the 2014 season, but never was able to enjoy it... well I guess we never got to enjoy it with him.  It would have been nice to have him with us at the Rockies' game tonight.  It would have been great to see his reactions to the sounds and smells of the ballpark.  Hopefully, he was there with us in spirit. :)

Upcoming vacations to New York and Montreal with a small detour to Cooperstown in October.  Vacation (well for me - Brett will be working) in Vegas in November.  Vacations are family time.  Vacations are rejuvenating.  I will need that leading up to Preston's birthday, and the following Holiday season.  It feels wrong to have vacations without him, but everything feels wrong without him.  I'll feel guilty leaving his urn at home, and I'll probably struggle with it, but hopefully, the back to back trips, make it just a little easier.  I hope that the family time is good for our souls.  I hope that the me time I have in Vegas (here I come spa!) is just what I need to give me peace and strength to get through the rest of this dreadful year.

The Sound of Music

Music has spoken to me for a long time.  It's always helped me but my own emotions into words, even if just in my mind.  It helped me connect with certain situations.  I suppose, the lyrics speak to me as much as the music itself, if not more.  I love a good piano melody, but also enjoy some good ol' rock n roll. 

 

On day 24, I am thankful for music, and lyrics.  I couldn't listen to music for a couple months after losing Preston.  Every song that would come on reminded me of my loss, and I didn't need any additional agony while driving.  It's hard to be in your own dark thoughts while driving.  Never mind that it can be dangerous - but I always made sure I was being safe and never went far.  Every time I tried to turn on the radio, there was "Tears in Heaven" or "One Sweet Day".  I just couldn't deal with it.

 

With time, and a lot of tears, I was able to begin to listen to music again.  Depending on my frame of mind on any given day, there are days that I just can't deal with a certain type of songs, or specific songs.  But there are days, where the pain of the lyrics is soothing.  You just have to release those emotions sometimes - whether it's sadness, anger or fear.  Of even if it is a needed moment of cheer, or needing to feel upbeat.  Grief is always associated with deep sadness that people forget that grieving people need some moments of reprieve to feel some happiness, laugh and smile.  And that's totally normal.  Drop the stigma of needing to feel sad all. the. time.  There's no dishonor in feeling happiness.  There's no offense is dropping a smile here and there.  It is not scandalous to laugh.  You may feel guilt afterwards, and hey, that's "normal" too.  I don't like the word normal, but I think it's the best way to describe it.  I've found ways to smile every day.  I know I laughed a little within a few days of Preston passing, and yes, I felt guilty, but in order for my mind to remain sane, these are things I've had to do.

 

But back to music/lyrics.  There are just so many, and I know they aren't meant to mean what I interpret them to mean, but it is what it is.  And if it makes me feel - better, worse, cry, laugh, happy, sad - what's the difference?  10 people could listen to the same song, and each would take something different out of it.

 

From Breaking the Habit

I don't want to be the one,  The battles always choose

I really feel like life keeps picking on me, and I feel like I'm done battling.

Pretty much the whole of Boulevard of Broken Dreams speaks to me as does, Wake me up when September Ends.  Feel free to replace September with any given day, month, year.

From Here Without You
A hundred days have made me older, since the last time that I saw your pretty face
I don't think that needs explanation to relate to my situation

From If Today Was Your Last Day
Each day's a gift and not a given right, leave no stone unturned, leave your fear behind, and try to take the path less traveled by

I think losing Preston has certainly given me a new appreciation for life.  I don't think it's a lesson that needed to be learned.  I tried to live life honestly, kindly before, and I don't wish to find such a "reason" for Preston's passing.  But, I feel like I'm definitely trying to use my grief to find and spread happiness, positivity.

 

These are just some songs I heard today, and I'm sure you'll continue hearing me mention songs, or lyrics.  I truly have a great appreciation for them. 

 

It feels fitting to end with this song as it appropriately describes my feelings:

 

Christina Perry's A Thousand Years
 

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

 I have died every day
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

 Time stands still
beauty in all (s)he is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

 I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

 

Mama loves you always Preston. In my heart - always.

 



The one Concert in the Park we saw this summer.  It was a fun medley of '80s music :)

Are we there yet?

 

 

There's some comfort to be found in knowing that Heaven waits for us, once our time has come.  How many loved ones will we get to see again?  At the same time, there are so many unanswered questions that surround Heaven.  What will we look like? How old will we be?   Do we ascend to Heaven right away, or does our soul have to fulfill all it's purposes on Earth first?

 

On day 23 of my 30 days of gratitudes, I am thankful for Heaven.  I am thankful, because it means that one day, I will get to see Preston again.  No offense meant to anyone else who is up there waiting for me, but I long to see, and hold my baby again, if those are things that can be done in Heaven.  Is Heaven filled with blooming flowers? Or does it sit on the clouds like I've always imagined?  Do angels really have feathered wings of pure white?  Do we all individually get to meet God? 

 

I learned young about eternal life that is given to us through the Holy Spirit and ascension to Heaven.  I never really looked forward to it.  I never understood it.  I still don't understand it.  Maybe that's the point.  The unanswered questions keep us wondering.  Maybe Heaven is what each of us individually hopes for.  

I don't think it's normal to look forward to going to Heaven, but I really do.  I'm not saying that I'd do anything to help it along, but, I won't be sad to see that day come.  A new beginning.  A life with my son.  A life uninterrupted by death and separation.

In the meantime, I hope Preston is surrounded my loved ones.  His great grandparents, most of which I never met myself.  Friends his age, like Conner, Benjamin, Silas and Baylee.  Perhaps he's the angel of happiness teaching other angels how to spread happiness, and bring it forth to their families down on Earth.  One day, we will find out.  One day, we will feel true peacefulness.

The lyrics from Nickelback's If Everyone Cared come to mind:

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

Maybe, that really is what Heaven brings :)

 

Tokens

 

I received the above necklace the day after mother's day.  A gift from my aunt Jocelyn, uncle Burnell, and their daughters, Alicia, Natalie and Valerie, and their significant others, Martin, Marty and James.  I was so touched.  A diamond crusted P for Preston.  A little foot.  An angel wing.  A gold heart.  And his birthstone, my birthstone, Brett's birthstone - topaz.  I wear it every day.  And when I don't, I feel guilty the second I forget to wear it because it's such a precious homage to my son.  It makes me feel close to him.  Forgetting to wear it because I was in a rush that morning, or too tired, makes me feel like I momentarily have forgotten my son.

It's not because we don't think about our children every moment of every day, that we don't love them. Not thinking about certain things during certain moments does not mean we have forgotten.  Sometimes we are busy.  Sometimes we are tired.  Sometimes we are concentrating.  We are human, and our minds wander some times, and I often need to stop and remind myself of that.  Forgetting to wear my necklace certain days, allows me to slow down and remember that.

On day 22 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, on the 6 month mark of losing my son, I am thankful for all the tokens that we have to remember him.  That we have to honor him.  I'm so incredibly thankful for the necklace I received from my family.  What a moving gesture on their part to pick things that are such tributes to Preston, and what he means to us.  It also gives me the opportunity to bring up my son if someone asks about my necklace and it's significance.  It's only happened once, and I really tried not to traumatize the lady who asked me.  Hopefully I kept my composure and I didn't ruin her day with my sad story.

On December 23rd, we took a handprint and footprint from Preston which we molded into a Christmas ornaments - one for my parents, one for Brett's parents, and one for us.  We have his footprints from when he was born... and the coroner did something so touching - not that I can bear to look at them.  She made 2 moldings - of his little hands and precious feet.  The moldings are in a heart shape, have little bears clued to it, along with the PAIL (Pregnancy and Infant Loss) awareness ribbon which is half baby blue and half pink.  One day, maybe we'll be able to hang them up?  I lose it anytime I open the boxes they are in.  They sit on his dresser for now, along with all his books and other things... terrible that I don't know.. but I really don't go into his room very often.

The funeral home took clippings of his hair before he was cremated.  They are in a little bag, along with several cards we received on the day of his funeral and the book that everyone signed to give us their condolences.  I've read everything once.. a few days after the funeral.  Everything that was said was so kind, thoughtful and touching, and I'm sorry that I haven't sent out thank you letters.  I just haven't had the heart to write them all because it'll mean thinking about the sadness for hours.  Being sad for hours is really hard, and makes it harder to get out of the downward spiral.  I hope you understand.  I hope you know how thankful we are that you were there.  How thankful we are to have all of you in our lives, supporting us, thinking of us, keeping us in your prayers.

I have a few other tokens.  A nice necklace from our friend Glenner and his wife Janet.  It's in the shape of a tear, and it came with a poem - no tears in heaven.  I also have a charm bracelet.  I have two Preston tokens.  A gold binky that Brett gave to me when Preston was born (it was my first charm).  And an angel wing with a pearl from my parents.  How I wish my baby boy wasn't a real angel.  He was an angel on Earth, and I wish that he could have stayed longer.  How short 16 weeks is.  I heard the song "Heaven is a Place on Earth" today... I would search day and night, 24 hours a day to find it if that were true. 

Grief is such a true roller coaster.  Good one moment, broken the next.  Does that show sometimes in my posts?  I never set out to have a negative blog entry, or a sad blog entry.  My goal is really to share my son, and help others through their grief.  Help others appreciate their life, or help them through a tough time.  Share my little guy's smile, in hopes of spreading some happiness around the world.  Share my feelings to let it out, and find some relief.  I appreciate everyone who allows me to do that.  It really is a true gift to me.