Spread Happiness for Preston: White gloves versus boxing gloves

Dear pregnant friend, pregnant relative, pregnant stranger, mama of a newborn,

I hope you know that I am happy for you. Thrilled even. I don't throw out the "happy" word easily, and I am truly happy for each an every person I find out is expecting a child. What a blessing! What a privilege and honor it is to become a parent! It's not something everyone gets to have. I can easily be taken for granted as it's not everyone who gets to have children, no matter how much they want them. And there's of course the direct opposite, those who get to have children when it seems inconceivable that they should have that right. So many horror stories I've read and heard...

Sorry to turn to the dark side there for a moment. Not what you need, I know. The point is, I am happy for you, even if I don't tell you often, or at all. I'm excited for the months and years to come, the dreams you are building and the memories you are already making. The story that is the child you are expecting, or the child you just had, is one of hope. Hope is something I need a whole lot of and it doesn't come easily to me.

I pray that you forgive me for not being more involved in your pregnancy, if only by asking how you are doing. Please do know that I care, but it's a sensitive topic for me. Some days, I feel strong and put on my boxing gloves. When I do, I am able to ask you how you and baby are doing. I'm able to invest myself into buying things for your little one, even though the baby aisle is still extremely problematic for me. And then there are other days where I have to wear white gloves and approach everything with caution. Those days are emotionally draining. Is it that I'm jealous? I don't think it's the right word. I think it's more that I long for my son. It's that I miss him. I don't necessarily want what you have. I want what I had, what I can have no longer.

Pregnancy and newborns are definitely subjects that are difficult for me to broach. I'm sure it's a sensitive topic for anyone who's lost a child, and sometimes even for those close to someone who has lost a baby. As with all things, this varies from person to person. It's dependent on your situation. It can be intensified after a loss in pregnancy or around certain dates. It can be particularly painful to think about in the months following a loss when grief is often at it's highest point.

Then again, this is just my perspective. I don't walk in the shoes of every grieving parent but I do continue to grieve the loss of Preston on a daily basis. It's something that I will live with every. day. of. my. life. I'm 13 months out from having lost my son. He should be 18 months old, yet he will live on forever in my heart as a 16 week old baby. Where I am at, today, is not the same place another parent might be at. It's also possible that where I am at today, is not where I will be tomorrow.

How do you broach the subject of pregnancy with someone who's lost a baby? I wish I had a black and white answer, but I think it's a very grey area. It'll be dependent on what gloves your friend is wearing that day - the boxing gloves or the white gloves. I think knowing who you are talking to, how they are dealing with their loss, where they are at with their grief, will allow you to figure out which gloves they are wearing. Perhaps, it is even you who needs to decide which gloves you will use to bring up the topic.

Some people may think that every time they bring up Preston, or their child, or pregnancy, it's a reminder of my loss. At the risk of repeating what I've said before, there's nothing really that can "remind" me of my loss. It's with me every day, everywhere I go. Do certain things trigger specific memories? For sure, but that trigger can just be the ding of the microwave or the smell of fresh snowfall. A certain light being turned on, or the formula that still sits in the pantry. And while for sure pregnancy and newborns can be a BIG trigger for bereaved parents, it doesn't mean the subject shouldn't be brought up or alternatively, be the only thing you talk about.

Personally, pregnancy has been all around me since the loss of Preston. Some of my relatives are pregnant, as are friends and co-workers. I didn't feel "hurt" when I found out about these pregnancies. Was it difficult to hear? Quite honestly, yes but no. It was difficult because it made me miss my son a little bit more for a short while. It wasn't difficult because it was a ray of hope into my day. It would be so easy to try and hide from the world as it continues to turn, especially on days where it feels that time is standing still. What good would it do me? Try as I may, pregnancy would be in my face at some point or another. A diaper commercial here. A flyer from ToysRUs. A mother pushing a stroller past my house. There's no escaping it, so when I can, I wear my boxing gloves.

All this being said though, yes I still struggle talking about pregnancy and newborns. I can't do it 24/7. Sometimes after 10 minutes, that's about all I can take. Other days, I can survive 45 minutes of talk. Those days make me happy, because I really want to be there for you, but I'm still figuring things out. My heart is still mending, and it is a slow process. As I write about this sensitive topic today, I am wearing my boxing gloves.

I hope that with every day that follows, I adorn the white gloves less and less. I want to thank you for the days where I am wearing these gloves. Thank you for your patience with me and my heart. Thank you for your understanding. Know that you are often on my mind, even if I don't tell you enough <3

Your friend,
~Cat

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On a totally side note, for those who were curious, thanks to Jamie and my aunt Jocelyn, we were able to figure out that those weird spotted plants in our front garden are "Calypso Tulips" or if you want to be technical - Tulipa Gerigii 'Calypso' . Thanks ladies