Oh brother! Where has the time gone?

I've often measured how old I've felt as certain milestones occurred.  However, it was more often the milestones that my brothers hit.  I remember feeling "old" for the first time when my eldest brother turned 21.  I was 14.

Most the the milestones that made me do a double take and wonder how time had gone by so quickly, were events that occurred in my brother Ted's life: when he got married in '99, when he had a baby in '02, when said baby turned 10, and more recently 14.  Today, my dear brother turns 40.... boy, am I really 5 years away from hitting that age myself?

My brother Ted is a wonderful person.  I often longed for a sister as I grew up and watched how close my brothers were.  As the years went on though, I realize that my brother was a wonderful sibling to me, and I really couldn't have asked for more.

He played mediator when us 3 kids couldn't get along. He taught me how to climb trees, and build awesome forts in the snow banks our dad would plow by the sides of the driveways.  He took me sledding, and ice skating and even tried to get me to play with the bigger kids.

He took me to my first Montreal Canadiens game where I absolutely fell in love with the game.  I watched or listened to all the games after that, and kept a binder of news articles from the newspaper. I was all about the Habs after attending that game.  I believe it's the only game I attended at the old Forum, and I'm thankful to have been able to see part of this team's historic past.

Nowadays, my brother is a successful "parks and recs" manager.  He's worked in several Montreal suburbs, getting many promotions as he's moved between them.  He's got an absolutely beautiful family, a wonderful wife and 3 kids.  I finally got that sister I always wanted when he got married! He's a wonderful father.  Very patient and doting.  I'm sure the mediation skills have become quite handy as a parent!

I feel that I learned a lot from Ted, and not just how to climb trees.  I'd like to think I'm a good politically correct mediator and I feel that I've got him to thank for it.  Back when I played World of Warcraft, I moved my way up in the guild rather quickly and became a councilor and often had to voluntarily deal with disagreements between members.  I became quite good at it, and even became co-guild leader.

It's days like today that make it difficult that I live in Colorado and that the rest of my family remains in Montreal.  I miss the birthday gatherings, and the holiday dinners.  I wish I could have attended some of the plays or talent shows the kids have been in.

But all in all, love knows no bounds, and even though I'm 2000ish miles away, I hope my brother knows how much he means to me.  I hope he knows I miss him and his family.  I wish he could see more of his niece, and I'm certain he'll be delighted when he gets to meet her one day.. hopefully in the next 12 months!

Happy birthday dear brother!  40 looks good on you.  I think you'll always be young at heart <3.

Sami's Corner - 6 months

Well, here we are! 6 months!  What an amazing feeling.  And I must say, Samantha is so much fun at this age.  What difference a month has made.  She loves to play and wants something to do at all times, which I find great for her mental and physical development. Yay!

Weight & Length: Again, I'm going to guestimate since we don't go to the doctor for another 2 weeks (for her "6 month" check up & shots)... I believe she hovers between 13.5 to 14 pounds.  And she looks to be about 28 inches long.

Features:  Her hair has grown and continues to be very wispy.  It stands on it's own but it's definetely filling out on the sides and at the back of her head.  Her lips I've decided are mine, and perhaps her ears too, but there rest of her face... it's all Dada.

Feedings:  This girl loves her rice cereal.  She will lunge for the spoon and can't get enough of it!  We actually just tried peas last night (homemade courtesy of the Baby Bullet).  She didn't seem to be a fan.  We'll try again for another 3 days and see... next food for Wednesday - Sweet Potatoes.  I bet you she likes those. Time will tell...

Sleep:  I had a tough time with transitioning her into her crib.  I decided to go for it on Memorial Day weekend given that I had an extra day off from work and knew I wouldn't sleep well for the first nights.  I actually crashed on her floor for 2 nights.  On the second night, I was a little wiser and used a sleeping bag as a mattress.

She did great.  She didn't really wake up in the middle of the night and by night 3 I felt comfortable enough to go back to our bedroom.  It's a constant challenge though.  I freak out in the morning when I'm so exhausted that I didn't wake up once to check on her, or when she doesn't wake up in the middle of the night.  I mean it's great that she sleeps though the night, and I'm super excited about it... but I'm so anxious in the morning when I check on her and I'm so relieved when I can feel her chest move up and down.  I don't know if this feeling will ever go away.

After a week in her crib, she started waking up in the middle of the night.  I think it was because she sensed something was difference, and couldn't feel our presence anymore.  I got a trick from one of her caregivers from daycare.  Because she's so used to sleeping with noises, she suggested I play music as she falls asleep.  So I've been rocking her to sleep with the swing's lullaby music going on, and I put her down while it still plays.  I leave it on for a couple songs, and then I turn it off and go to bed.  It has worked like a charm and she no longer wakes up in the middle of the night (for the most part).

Likes: This girl likes just about everything.  She's so interested in food and drinks.  She just wants to grab what you are having.  She loves playing in her new activity center, not the one where she lays down, but the one where she can sit or stand.  She always wants to be doing something!  She likes her owl book (it has a  bunch of flaps to open and details all different kinds of animals).  She loves to sit with the help of her Boppy and play with the rainbow ring pyramid.  One of my favorites as a kid - one of Brett's favorites too!

She loves her cereal.  She loves Rocky Bear... so much so that she seems to "make out" with him... watch out boys! lol

Dislikes:  Perhaps peas?  Still is not a fan of when I put her down for any reason.  With a toy, the tears quickly go away though.

Mama's fears: As detailed above, I often wake up a little anxious in the morning and go check on her immediately.  Being away from her for extended periods of time is also difficult, but I also know how good daycare is for her.  She learns so much and gets to socialize.  Hopefully that means she'll be a social butterfly and not an introvert like myself.

The concept of daycare is still so difficult for me given that Preston passed away at daycare, mind you a different daycare and this daycare has more than 1 caregiver... but still.  I try not to get nervous because I know stress isn't good for me, but I don't know that I could ever not be stressed to some degree when it comes to daycare.

Mama's proud moments: There are so many this month.  She can hold things and reaches for things all the time.  She's weeks (days?) away from sitting on her own.  She's a good eater (not super messy) when it comes to her cereal.  Other foods remain to be seen I guess.  She's starting to want to hold her own bottle.  She can stay entertaining herself for a little while.  She's done art! Such as rolling a ball in paint, making art with hand prints and footprints (though I know that requires help).  She's colored with a marker and with a paintbrush.  She sleeps through the night.

Just because:  When she's in her carseat, if you raise it above your head and play peek-a-boo, she loves it.  She squeals and laughs.  It's one of my favorite things to do.

She's not a big fan of crowds.  We've noticed if we take her to the mall, she quiets down so much and even appears to have a scared look on her face. :(  However, in small groups, she loves to show off and be the center of attention.  We'll see what that equates to at a later age I guess!

Pictures:

I have all these toys, but my dress is more fun!!!

 

Go Cubs Go! Swing batter, batter!

Out for a drive..

Fun times with Dada and my friend's first birthday.

Sami's Corner - 5 months

I attempted to catch up before Sami turned 6 months, but that didn't happen.  I'm typing as she sits looking at me from her crib (with a bobby behind her for support) - 6 months 1 day.

Back to her being 5 months..

Weight & Length:  These are purely guestimates since we haven't been to the pediatrician and aren't due for about a month.  My guess is she's grown a couple inches - maybe 26.  And she's at about 13 pounds.

Features:  Her hair is getting longer on the top of her head.  Very wispy like.  Some days it looks blond, sometimes you can detect a hint of red while other days it looks like a really light brown.  Hair color remains to be determined...  Eyes - totally her dad's eyes.

Feedings:  She just tried rice cereal for the first time.  She seems to like it!

Sleep:  Her sleep pattern changed at this time.  She was waking up a lot at night.  She would fall back asleep after being rocked, but was a little more difficult in this regard.

Likes:  When you hold her, she loves to be sitting.  She wants to soak in everything she sees.  She likes music.  But really, nothing has changed... she pretty much likes everything and smiles all the time.

Dislikes: Perhaps there's an exception.  She's starting to get upset when we put her down.  Be it to change her, or even on her activity mat that she loves.  Usually, after you show her a toy, she's ok.  I'll take it as a compliment - wants to be with mama :)

Mama's fears: At this point, she's starting to be a little long for the bassinett.  She can also roll, which I don't think is a good thing in a bassinet.  So we're looking into transitioning her into her crib.  Ready or not (not ready at all...).

Mama's proud moments:  She rolled over the Friday before Mother's Day.  From back to front, which I've read is the opposite of what they usually do (because it's tougher?)... that's my girl! Learning the harder stuff first.

Just because:  It's fun to see her starting to do "art" at daycare like some of the older infants in her class.  While she may be growing slowly, she's growing, she's happy and she's learning so much already at a young age.  It's so incredible to see.

Pictures:

Trying to get used to sleeping in the crib - daytime nap

One of my favorites!!

Not only can she rolls, but she can twist.  She had her feet to the piano keys at some point..

So sweet :)

Still loves Rocky Bear :)

Happy girl about to eat!

Loving life, her chair, her spoon...

Sami's Corner - 4 months

This is so late, and I haven't had the chance to edit my pictures which is why I was delaying posting.  Hopefully time frees up by the end of summer and I can be more on top of things.

Weight & Length: At her 4 month appointment, Sami was just shy of 12 lbs and was 24 inches long.  She's in the 4th percentile for weight, which is low, but she had a cold and I feel like during that period of time, she didn't grow.  I think her length percentile was around 30.  So we have a petite girl, and we are totally fine with that because she's healthy and gaining :)

Features: I think I can confirm that Samantha has her dad's eyes; they change from grey to blue.  Her hair is still hard to tell.  It looks like a shade of blond, but could be a really light brown and it sometimes seems to have reddish shades.

Feedings: Not really anything new to report. She eats very well.

Sleep: For the most part she sleeps through the night.  She sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night due to being wet, but does back to sleep right away if you rock her.  While it makes it so that we're a little more tired, I think both Brett and I enjoy this to a certain degree, given that she's growing so fast!

Likes: Pretty much everything.  She smiles a lot, and her daycare keeps telling us that she's one of the happiest babies they've ever seen.  Preston was a happy baby too.  Maybe we make happy babies, lol.

Dislikes: She likes having something in her mouth and doesn't like when you take it out.  Her hand is a good example.

Mama's fears: We had a bit of a scare on March 19th.  She had a cold, and her breathing sounded labored.  This had happened one time before, the first night I was alone with her when her dad had gone out with a friend who was visiting.  She had eventually fallen asleep and when she woke up, her breathing sounded normal again.

We were already on edge having just passed Preston's angelversary on March 13th.  We went to the ER.  It was one of the most nerve wrecking hours of my life, much like when she was in the hospital for jaundice.  Thankfully, they said that babies have flappy skin in their throats, and hers is a little underdeveloped which is what causes the labored breathing sound.  Her breathing isn't labored, though it sounds like it.

They did a saline solution vapor treatment on her and then we went home.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep well that night, if at all.  The same is true for April 9th which marked her 114th day.   That was a huge weekend for us.  I didn't sleep much, but was so happy to make it past this milestone.  Have all my fears dissipated? Not at all, but it still gives me some peace.

Mama's proud moments: Our little girl loves smiling! It is so great to hear from her caregivers that she's one of the happiest babies they've ever seen.  It makes me happy, because Preston was like that, and it's nice that they share that trait.

She doesn't laugh or giggle much, but she sure loves to squeal!  She often goes super sonic.  It's rather entertaining, though also can be deafening!  lol

Just because:  She loves playing on her activity mat.  She looks like she's about ready to roll.  She tries to roll over by trying to turn her head all the way down.  It's pretty funny.  I bet she doesn't it soon :)

Pictures:

Sami's Corner - 3 months

Three months! Sami is already 3 months.  Time flies, yet at the same time, some days have seemed endless.  Those are usually the days filled with worry.  The rest of the days are filled with smiles and coos, and even, a first laugh!

Weight & Length: We haven't had a pediatrician's visit for 3 months, so this is my educated guess.  I think she's probably about 23 and a half inches long, just shy of 2 feet.  And she's hovering at around 10 and a half pounds.  I feel like she's definitely still growing but perhaps at a slower pace.

Features:  Her hair at the back has gotten lighter.  It looks blond, with a slight hue of red.  The top of her head is darker, a shade of brown, though, in the sunlight, it looks lighter (if you ask me).  Her hair on the top of her head has gotten longer, while she's lost some hair on the back of her head, from the constant back and forth motions she does while laying on her back.  Her eyes are definitely grey and blue.  They change from day to day.  The light seems to affect them too.

Feedings: She's a good eater. We enjoy our special time together during feedings.  She's started daycare so she's drinking out of a bottle a lot more.  She's still exclusively drinking breastmilk.  When at school, she eats a good 3.5 to 4 oz a feeding.  Sometimes she goes 3 hours between feedings, sometimes it's closer to 4 hours.  At home, she eats a little more often.

Sleep: She's been sleeping a little longer at night.  Some nights she will go down at 11:00, sometimes a little earlier.  She'll usually be up around 5 or 5:30.  I usually can get a few cuddles in before heading out to work at 6:00.

Likes: Bathtime. She's starting to smile when taking a bath but still seems shocked when she first touches the water.  She's enjoyed it from the getgo.  Never cries, except on occasion when she comes out of the tub.  She LOVES Dada.  She gave him her first laugh on Thursday when she turned 3 months old, while we were taking pictures.  She loves kicking around in her bassinet, which is almost too big for her! How did that happen?  She seems to really enjoy one of the play mats at daycare.  So much so that I bought an identical one for home, just a different color.  She loves "The Wheels on the Bus" as we gesture with each rhyme.  Her favorite seems to be "the boy on the bus says 'let's go play'", which Daddy frowns at. lol.

Dislikes:  She does not like being congested.  Who does?  She caught a cold her first week at daycare, and is still hanging on to it.  Hopefully it goes away in a few more days.  Why did I somehow think she'd be impervious to getting sick?  Wishful thinking most likely.  She is not a fan of being in the car when it isn't moving.  When we leave daycare and get stuck at the red light, she will let me know about it.

Mama's fears:  It's been a tough month for fears.  Her starting daycare which is tough in itself, never mind what happened to Preston while at daycare.  It's a completely different daycare and type of daycare but it was still a very difficult transition.  I think starting her 3 days before I went back to work was smart.  It allowed me to go visit her all three days and it helped reassure me that she was well cared for, and that she was happy while there.  They take pictures and send them to us during the day, which always makes me smile.  Aside from daycare, Preston's angelversary on the 13th of March was a day that had me on high alert.  It didn't help that Sami developed her first cold a few days earlier which had me worried about her while she slept.  I didn't sleep great that night, which was difficult because I too caught her cold and was totally run down.  I have another fear to deal with his coming month and that's Sami getting past 114 days.  I'm sure I'll be on edge until she's 18 months old, but getting past 114 days will be a great hurtle to pass.

Mama's proud moments: She's starting to reach for things more and more.  She can hold things for extended periods of time.  And while she's not fully conscious of what she's doing, she's really getting there.  She giggles a little every day.  It's not a true giggle, but it's a high pitched coo.  She has given a full on laugh, to dad, while we took pictures on March 17th.  She smiles all the time and it lights up the room.

Just because:  She's totally out of wearing newborn sized clothes, except one outfit that somehow still fits.  I think that brand just makes their "newborn" sizes larger.

A couple days before she started daycare, I went to Babies "R" Us to get some of the things she would need - crib sheets, more bibs and burp cloths, a couple sleep sacks, and a couple outfits in the event that she gets them dirty.  OMG... there's too much cute clothes for baby girls.  I could have gone bananas and spent a thousand bucks.  Easily.  Overalls.  Little dresses. Bows.  Needless to say, I bought more than the 2 outfits I had planned.  I must have bought 7 or 8.  Oh, I can't wait for warmer weather so that she can wear the little sundresses :)

Pictures:

 Starting to swat at things

Bouncy chair fun times

All ready to meet Mama and Dada's co-workers

Is this magic?

Mama visited me at daycare!

So focused!

Grabbing things

Mommy's lucky charm, St. Paddy's Day

Monthly photo shoots are fun!

My dad is so silly. He makes me giggled.

And, I'm done with this photo shoot. 

2 years gone by

March 13th. The bane of my existence.  2 years ago, the absolute worst day of my life.  It replays in my mind over and over again.

2 years have come and gone since Preston passed away.  It's hard to believe.  It's been the longest 2 years without him.  How I wish he could be there to see his little sister grow.  I bet he would teach her so much.  I bet they would have so much fun together.  Instead, she is deprived of his sweet existence.

I wish I wrote on my blog more often.  Time has made it so I don't need to write as often.  The arrival of Samantha, has reduced the amount of time I have to write.  I think of my little man every single day.  I constantly talk to him, as Sami's guardian angel.  I miss him eternally.

I don't like to remember this day.  I have said it before, I wish I could erase it from the calendar.  But it is hard to forget such a day.  I don't wish to celebrate this day in any way, but I do like the thought of making it into a family day.  This year, that didn't really happen.

The day was difficult for sure.  As to not help things, for the first time, Sami is sick with a cold.  A stuffy nose and a little cough.  Given the date, I hardly slept last night wanting to make sure she was breathing ok.  On top of her having a cold, hubby and I also have it.  And I had some minor food poisoning last night.  Perfect storm right?

We spent as much time together today as possible, but it was interrupted by naps so that we can all heal from this cold.  And then chores that had to be done because tomorrow is Monday, and my first full week back to work.

The nice thing is, despite feeling ill, Sami still flashed her smile a ton today.  Which helped a ton to get through this day.

Every day without Preston remains, and will always remain difficult.  I can't fathom that 2 years have passed by, yet like I said earlier, it's also been a very long, dragged out two years.  I reckon that every year that passes will feel like that when it comes to my son.

Sweet P.  How I miss you.  How I wish things could be different.  I long to hold you and cuddle with you.  I pray that Heaven is a beautiful place, and that you are able to flash your smile for everyone.  I pray that you continue to live on in people's hearts.  People you've met, people who you've touched through this blog.  For sure, you live on in my heart.  Every single day. I love you. xxxx

This is the last picture I have of Preston.  Taken 3/10/2014

March Madness

No I'm not talking about basketball.

I've been totally dreading the month of March.  So many triggers.  So many changes.  So much to adapt to.

In 11 days, it will have been 2 years since we lost our son.  2 years... where does the time go?  I honestly can't believe that it has been that long.  And at the same time, it feels like AGES ago since I last saw Preston's sweet smile.  Since I last kissed his forehead and rocked him to sleep.  It's maddening really.

In a handful of days, Samantha starts daycare.  I'm not looking forward to it at all.  It's frightening because Preston was at daycare (mind you a different daycare) when he stopped breathing.  It's scary because I won't be there every minute to check on her.  It's so difficult because I don't know how she'll react, or handle it.  Her first day, is going to be a long day for me.  Her first month will be difficult.  The first year... I just don't feel ready... but life isn't about being ready is it?

I return to work in a week.  While my mind is ready for the stimulation, and the hectic every day work... my heart isn't.  Ahead of schedule, I am reminding myself that the days will fly by.  That I will be surrounded by people who support me and care about me.  I remind myself that I will have tons of pictures that I can hang up to make missing Sami a little less painful.

It is a lot to deal with.  I'm not ready... but ready or not... March is here.

One day at a time.

One step at a time.

One moment at a time.  Life is so precious.  Life is so fragile.  I've known that for a long time, and I'm reminded of it every day.  The first month back to work is probably going to be really difficult.  And all I can do, is take it slow.  Love every minute that I get with Sami.  And just try to remain calm in the meantime.

Preston, mama misses you daily.  I wish you were here...

To everyone out there, hug and kiss your loved ones.  Tell them you love them.  Life is precious... more than you know.