First and foremost I'd like to thank everyone who shared my blog yesterday and today. I'd also like to thank those of you who will continue to share it when you feel it might help someone or to help spread happiness around the world in honor of my son. :) From the bottom of my heart, thank you!!
Perhaps you are someone who is ignored by mosquitos? Or perhaps, they take more interest in someone else that is around? I am that someone. Whoever is around, I can guarantee you, that I will have mosquito bites, and I will probably have more than anyone else that's around. It's rather interesting that they will leave Brett completely alone, yet they will be all over me. He won't even notice that there were mosquitoes around until I show him my several bites. But, there aren't any bugs in Colorado... I beg to differ. While there's nowhere as many as there are in Montreal, there are enough to be bothersome. And they always leave that itchy, warm to the touch, red bump.
Is my blood tastier for some reason? You'd think with all the chemicals in my blood, that maybe they would finally leave me alone? No such luck, thanks anyways Remicade ;).
Much like my mosquito bites create a constant itching sensation, and are a constant reminder that I will forever be a bug magnet, there are other reminders that go with me every where I go. While these mosquito bites come and go, these other scars will not. While I used to think they were ugly, I am now proud to have them.
The scars from my gall-bladder surgery will always remind me that while I wasn't my toughest, I did survive having septic gall-bladder and recovered quickly enough. The scars from my bowel resections will always remind me that hope exists and are proof that I am a tough cookie. I feel I recovered much quicker than from my gall-bladder surgery. I had a lot of perspective from my previous surgery, I really wanted to get healthy and have a baby. Perhaps I had a lot of motivation. I had kind of hit rock bottom having had 2 bowel obstructions and at least 1 miscarriage in a 4 months period. And then I have my C-section scar. It's pretty small for a C-section scar, but it will forever remind me of my little Preston. It reminds me yet again that I am a tough person because as soon as I was able to, I was walking as much as possible. It may have taken a day or so, since I was so drugged up the first days because of my blood pressure issues, but I took the bull by the horns and did everything I could to be in good shape to take care of my little angel. Ironically, my scars have created a happy face on my lower abdomen.
Sometimes scars are reminders of painful times; the pain prior to surgery, the constant battle with a chronic illness, the loss of a child. Sometimes scars can be a reminder of hope; a life without pain, a time when your chronic illness is in remission, the hope for another child, the hope for more happiness in the world, the hope for creating a positive environment wherever you go. Sometimes scars can be a reminder of how tough one can be. And some scars are invisible. My heart is scared, as it's been broken forever. But that scar is a constant reminder that true and pure love exists. It's a reminder that we created this perfect little being that impacted our lives more than anyone else ever will. It's a reminder that I didn't imagine the whole thing.
Do you have scars? Invisible or physical? Have you discovered a positive spin on them once the initial pain of it/them subsided?
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Saturday, July 5, 2014
114 days
My sweet little boy lived a total of 114 days. 114 days of pure happiness. 114 days of feeling absolutely complete. My sweet P has now been gone for 114 days. 114 days of fog. 114 days of disbelief.
I've been dreading this day for a long time. I know, many will think I'm nuts for knowing how many days my little boy lived and figuring out when he'd be gone longer than he's been here. Perhaps I am crazy, but I couldn't go on not knowing. I'm his mom, I needed to know. I needed to be able to be aware of when that next phase of my life would be here. I needed to know for my own sanity and perhaps for my own healing.
I kept busy today. We spent half the day with hubby's mom, looking at possible houses for them to buy in our area. They are looking to move closer to us once dad retires. They probably won't move for another year, so we would help them rent out the place in the meantime and we'd also help with the property management until they moved in. We looked at several areas, all in our vicinity. Most of the places were only okay, though I rather enjoyed seeing the inside of some houses that were really close to ours. Nice to compare the layout of our house to those you know?
I did a bit of work in the afternoon and then we went to see a jazz show in the evening. One of my hubby's colleagues was playing at a little café half an hour from our place. He and his band were actually very good. The music was really soothing and really kept my heart at ease despite all the strong emotions I was feeling.
I wish my little boy could have seen more than 114 days. I wish I could have taught him more in his short 114 days. I wish 114 days lasted forever. Unfortunately, 114 days is such a small fraction when you think about a lifetime. 114 days is a quarter of a year, and a year flies by.
As this new phase begins, where my son's been gone longer than he's been here, I feel the need to share his life even more. I feel the need to spread the word that SIDS is awful, and it's still happening. I feel the need to get more people educated so that more people will care. Maybe by breaking the silence behind SIDS, stillbirth and infant loss, we can find out what is causing babies to stop breathing, what is causing their hearts to stop breathing in utero, etc. Perhaps if we find a reason, we can find a cure.
I wish no one had to live through what we are living through, but unfortunately many people walk in our shoes. Many of these people can't voice their feelings towards these tragedies because they don't have a lot of support. They are often left feeling like they should "move on" which is absolutely impossible. You can't move on from something like this.
So, as I find a way to live through each day, I will continue to do my best to be positive as I slowly begin to heal. I will continue to share my wonderful son with anyone who will let him in. I will continue to spread the word on SIDS and attempt to help others through this journey, through similar journeys or help give a different perspective for others who haven't had as many hardships. I will continue to try and get as many people to spread happiness each year on November 19th to honor my son.
So, if I can ask one thing of my readers tonight it's this: share my blog with one person this week (and this week can be any week if you end up reading this a month from now). Share it with your sister, or co-worker. Share it with your father or best friend. Share it with anyone who might be open to read or someone who might be looking for a little positivity.
Thank you my wonderful readers. Be well.
Friday, July 4, 2014
4th of July
The 4th of July celebrations are just about over. They are over for us today. The day wasn't bad overall. We slept in, which we don't get to do very often. We ran a few errands and did a few chores. We had a nice dinner with our friends and even went for a little walk with them and their son. As we got outside to go walking, there was a nice little rainbow staring right at us. I went to get my camera to memorialize the memory in my blog and share the little hello from my angel. I've been in Colorado for 7 years now, and I don't remember it usually raining this late in the season. July and August are usually so hot and dry. It was really hot and muggy this morning when we went to run our errands but the quick summer shower sure cooled it down and brought us a wonderful rainbow. It's nice to know that rainbows and bunnies now remind my friends and family of Preston. Hubby told me later that while I was getting my camera, our friends said "Preston" pointing at the rainbow. That brings a nice smile to my face. It seems that my little boy impacted a lot of lives, even lives of people that never met him.
The day wasn't as difficult as I was anticipating, but it did have it's tough moments. Thinking about what it could have been was tough. Hearing all the kids laughing and having fun as fireworks were going off in our neighborhood was tougher. While Preston probably wouldn't have enjoyed all the festivities and fireworks this year, or next year, I know he would have eventually loved it and again, being reminded that he never will, is just like a little dagger stabbing at my heart. All the hopes and dreams we had for him are forever broken never to be fulfilled.
But, life continues on, as the clock ticks and tocks. We somehow make it through every day, some days will be tougher than others. Much like some days are tougher for others for different reasons. We all have our struggles and we cannot compare them one against the other. Our lives are so unique that even if a struggle is exactly the same, past struggles or lack of past struggles, can make the experience so much different.
"Struggle" doesn't even begin to explain what losing a child is like, but it's the best word I can find to relate it to other tough situations. But, whatever your struggle, whether you are learning how to live without your baby, battling an illness, have lost your job, etc., know that perseverance is key. Know that attitude has a lot to do with how you will overcome your struggle. Negativity will make your situation tougher. Positivity, will keep you going.
Pop, pop, screech, screech, boom, boom, boom go the fireworks. You might want to scream like a firework some days. Go for it. Whatever makes you feel better, whatever helps you, do it. Grief is sometimes a lifelong battle. But, you don't have to let it rule your life. Have you invited positivity into your life? Do you steer clear of negativity? Feel free to share how :)
Hope you had a good 4th of July.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Little hellos from an angel
I believe my little angel tried to reach out to me today, several times. On my way to work, my Pandora played several songs that made me think of him. Certainly the songs I heard aren't meant to remind you about a little boy, or your son, but it's just some of the lyrics...
"Please forgive me" (because I'm not here anymore)
"Never say goodbye" (because I'm always with you in spirit)
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" (don't think I need to explain that)
"Wake me up when September ends" (this whole song just touches me)
"Blurry" (I still get in that "fog" phase)
"Wish you were here"
"Angel"
"Angel" by Sarah McLachlan is a song I haven't been able to listen to in years. It played at Krista's mom's funeral. It's made me cry ever since. But it played today and it brought me some comfort. Especially in conjunction with the rest of the signs.
There was a very little white feather on the sidewalk just before I stepped into my work building downtown. I've read that it's a sign that there's an angel near by. I know you might think I read a lot of crap, but when you lose a child, you just feel the need to look up certain things up to find a way to cope and live every day as best you can. I haven't seen many feathers in the past months. I saw one tiny white feather on our back deck a couple months ago. And then this one this morning.
I went for a short walk during lunch today. The air felt very negative and I needed to get away for just a few minutes. I've been steering away from negativity for most of my life because I just don't like it, but I feel like I'm in a place where it'd be very easy to go down a path of negativity so I avoid it like the plague. So, I went outside into the humid hot air. I'd only taken a few steps and there was another feather - bigger and only half white this time. Obviously a pigeon feather... but I did read that it doesn't matter what feather you see, size or color, it's still the sign of an angel. I certainly don't want to associate pigeons with my son. I hate pigeons. I don't hate much, but I detest them. They are the devil with their beady red eyes and one did try to attack me once - freaky.
I saw so many bunnies today. Really, more than I've seen in a single day in a long time. So why all these signs from my little boy today? Perhaps because he knows the next couple of days are going to be difficult on my soul. I feel his presence today and I feel like it's really helped me through the day.
So you are right aunt Jocelyn. Preston is sending me messages. I just have to be open to receive them and be more aware of my surroundings. Perhaps I do have a clock that isn't keeping time. I do keep hearing certain songs over and over again and they aren't current "top 20" songs. These things bring me a lot of comfort.
I really want to thank everyone that's been reading and giving me feedback, whether it's in a comment on this blog, in a comment on Facebook or BabyCenter forums, or via email or simply in conversation. Your support really is uplifting, touching and motivating. I hope that I am able to offer some of the same to you. If not today, tomorrow or in a time of need for you.
"Please forgive me" (because I'm not here anymore)
"Never say goodbye" (because I'm always with you in spirit)
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" (don't think I need to explain that)
"Wake me up when September ends" (this whole song just touches me)
"Blurry" (I still get in that "fog" phase)
"Wish you were here"
"Angel"
"Angel" by Sarah McLachlan is a song I haven't been able to listen to in years. It played at Krista's mom's funeral. It's made me cry ever since. But it played today and it brought me some comfort. Especially in conjunction with the rest of the signs.
There was a very little white feather on the sidewalk just before I stepped into my work building downtown. I've read that it's a sign that there's an angel near by. I know you might think I read a lot of crap, but when you lose a child, you just feel the need to look up certain things up to find a way to cope and live every day as best you can. I haven't seen many feathers in the past months. I saw one tiny white feather on our back deck a couple months ago. And then this one this morning.
I went for a short walk during lunch today. The air felt very negative and I needed to get away for just a few minutes. I've been steering away from negativity for most of my life because I just don't like it, but I feel like I'm in a place where it'd be very easy to go down a path of negativity so I avoid it like the plague. So, I went outside into the humid hot air. I'd only taken a few steps and there was another feather - bigger and only half white this time. Obviously a pigeon feather... but I did read that it doesn't matter what feather you see, size or color, it's still the sign of an angel. I certainly don't want to associate pigeons with my son. I hate pigeons. I don't hate much, but I detest them. They are the devil with their beady red eyes and one did try to attack me once - freaky.
I saw so many bunnies today. Really, more than I've seen in a single day in a long time. So why all these signs from my little boy today? Perhaps because he knows the next couple of days are going to be difficult on my soul. I feel his presence today and I feel like it's really helped me through the day.
So you are right aunt Jocelyn. Preston is sending me messages. I just have to be open to receive them and be more aware of my surroundings. Perhaps I do have a clock that isn't keeping time. I do keep hearing certain songs over and over again and they aren't current "top 20" songs. These things bring me a lot of comfort.
I really want to thank everyone that's been reading and giving me feedback, whether it's in a comment on this blog, in a comment on Facebook or BabyCenter forums, or via email or simply in conversation. Your support really is uplifting, touching and motivating. I hope that I am able to offer some of the same to you. If not today, tomorrow or in a time of need for you.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Another holiday around the corner
I think most holidays are going to be difficult for the foreseeable future. Holidays to me mean family time. Family time will always bring me happiness, but at the same time it's bittersweet. Our little boy is missing and we were looking forward to spending all these special days with him.
Easter was difficult. It might sound ridiculous because Preston would have been 5 months old and too little to really understand the magic around Easter, but I really struggled. One of the reasons I had trouble doing the groceries for a couple of months was because of all the Easter decorations in the store. The decorations were constant reminders of all the Easter egg hunts I'll never have with my little boy. I won't get to teach him about Christ's resurrection and how he gave up his life so that we could have ours. He won't ever have the chance to believe in the Easter bunny and have delicious chocolates.
Independence Day is just around the corner and while it doesn't mean the same to me as it does to my husband, it's still a holiday that I was very much looking forward to. Last year at this time, I was pregnant with my sweet P. I was about 4 and a half months along. Hubby and I took a walk to our local park and there was a bunch of festivities. We immediately started planning bringing our baby here in 2014. Perhaps our friends would join us with their son. We'd hoped that our little boys would become best friends. We'd have taken him to the pool and I just knew he'd love the water like I do.
And just like that, those dreams have vanished. They no longer can be reality. It's really difficult to wrap my brain around it. Doesn't make sense. Preston should still be here because we did everything right. We were good parents. Unfortunately, life had other plans for us.
I don't really want to think about our birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Those will all be bittersweet. It's always been my favorite time of year, but I don't quite know how I'll get through it right now. I guess we'll figure it out just like we have the rest.
I know the tone of my post tonight is rather dark and sad. It wasn't really my intention when I started writing it, but I guess that's the beauty of just letting the words flow... you don't really know where it will take you but letting it all out makes you feel better.
Cherish your family time during those special days, whether they are holidays, birthdays or just days that are special to you for whatever reason. Make it a priority to have special family time if you aren't doing so already.
If you are reading this and are in my shoes, having suffered a significant, unexplainable, unimaginable loss, know that you aren't alone feeling like holidays are difficult. Just think of a happy time with that loved one, even if you have few to select from and hold on to those memories on rough days. Know that if you are sad, angry, anxious, scared, resentful, feel detached, or have any other feeling - it's normal. These special days are probably always going to be filled with grief. While you will eventually be able to feel happiness on these days, don't worry if it takes years or if you still feel a sense of sadness forever. Grief doesn't have a timeline and grieving for a child stays with you forever. You can't replace a child with another. You can't forget your baby nor should you feel pressure to do so - from anyone.
Big hugs going out to those who need it during this holiday weekend that's around the corner. Give yourself the gift of a smile during this possibly tough time. I will do my best to smile because Preston would want me to. I will do my best to smile because perhaps Preston can see the fireworks from heaven and while he would have hated how loud they are, he would have loved the pops of colors they create in the sky. I will do my best to smile by thinking about what could have been. While I'll never get to experience it, I'll always have the dreams we created last year and I can make it as perfect as possible in my mind.
We think of you every day little guy. May your memory live on forever and may your short little life show the world that true happiness does exist. You just have to let it in. <3
Easter was difficult. It might sound ridiculous because Preston would have been 5 months old and too little to really understand the magic around Easter, but I really struggled. One of the reasons I had trouble doing the groceries for a couple of months was because of all the Easter decorations in the store. The decorations were constant reminders of all the Easter egg hunts I'll never have with my little boy. I won't get to teach him about Christ's resurrection and how he gave up his life so that we could have ours. He won't ever have the chance to believe in the Easter bunny and have delicious chocolates.
Independence Day is just around the corner and while it doesn't mean the same to me as it does to my husband, it's still a holiday that I was very much looking forward to. Last year at this time, I was pregnant with my sweet P. I was about 4 and a half months along. Hubby and I took a walk to our local park and there was a bunch of festivities. We immediately started planning bringing our baby here in 2014. Perhaps our friends would join us with their son. We'd hoped that our little boys would become best friends. We'd have taken him to the pool and I just knew he'd love the water like I do.
And just like that, those dreams have vanished. They no longer can be reality. It's really difficult to wrap my brain around it. Doesn't make sense. Preston should still be here because we did everything right. We were good parents. Unfortunately, life had other plans for us.
I don't really want to think about our birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Those will all be bittersweet. It's always been my favorite time of year, but I don't quite know how I'll get through it right now. I guess we'll figure it out just like we have the rest.
I know the tone of my post tonight is rather dark and sad. It wasn't really my intention when I started writing it, but I guess that's the beauty of just letting the words flow... you don't really know where it will take you but letting it all out makes you feel better.
Cherish your family time during those special days, whether they are holidays, birthdays or just days that are special to you for whatever reason. Make it a priority to have special family time if you aren't doing so already.
If you are reading this and are in my shoes, having suffered a significant, unexplainable, unimaginable loss, know that you aren't alone feeling like holidays are difficult. Just think of a happy time with that loved one, even if you have few to select from and hold on to those memories on rough days. Know that if you are sad, angry, anxious, scared, resentful, feel detached, or have any other feeling - it's normal. These special days are probably always going to be filled with grief. While you will eventually be able to feel happiness on these days, don't worry if it takes years or if you still feel a sense of sadness forever. Grief doesn't have a timeline and grieving for a child stays with you forever. You can't replace a child with another. You can't forget your baby nor should you feel pressure to do so - from anyone.
Big hugs going out to those who need it during this holiday weekend that's around the corner. Give yourself the gift of a smile during this possibly tough time. I will do my best to smile because Preston would want me to. I will do my best to smile because perhaps Preston can see the fireworks from heaven and while he would have hated how loud they are, he would have loved the pops of colors they create in the sky. I will do my best to smile by thinking about what could have been. While I'll never get to experience it, I'll always have the dreams we created last year and I can make it as perfect as possible in my mind.
We think of you every day little guy. May your memory live on forever and may your short little life show the world that true happiness does exist. You just have to let it in. <3
Hubby <3 Me
Preston :)
Time will tell how long this stays on the sidewalk. Fingers crossed that it's for a really long time.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Do you remember your dreams?
Before I get into dreams, I wanted to share a nice thing that happened this morning. I had to leave the house early to go pick up hubby after he dropped off the truck for new tires. So I left the house and looked on the front yard, just in case Mr. bunny friend was there to say hi, but he was not. I then drove hubby back home and then headed to work. As I was backing up from the driveway for the second time today, I instinctively glanced at the front yard again, and there he was - right in the middle of the lawn. :)
So dreams... I'm not one of the lucky ones that can remember dreams... at least I seldom do. When I do, half the time it's not a good dream. I really wish I could remember them. I've asked to be visited by loved ones who have passed including my little boy in my dreams. I've heard that it's easier for them to visit us on the dream "plane" than in our physical world. I've had one dream and it was right after he passed. I was asking for him to visit so I would know he was ok. I didn't get my wish, but I did have a dream that I remember - unless it's my mind playing tricks on me and I just think I dreamt it.
Hubby's grandma passed away in early 2013. She was in my dream and told me that a nice elderly woman was taking care of Preston. She said there was also a man with her and that'd they'd been in heaven awhile. I instantly thought of my "grand-mere" Annette and her husband Gilbert. My grand-mere passed away when I was 8, so that seemed to fit the bill.
The interesting thing about this is my aunt wrote me a letter soon after Preston passed away, or maybe my mom told me the story and I then read it in a letter. My aunt had a dream about her mother (my grand-mere). She hadn't had a dream about her mom since she passed away some 20+ years ago. Her mom told her that she was taking care of Preston. Perhaps that's what caused me to have my dream about hubby's grandma telling me my grand-mere was taking care of Preston? Who knows. Dreams are so interesting. I wish I remembered them more to really know...
A friend reached out to me today about a dream she had. She dreamt that she was at the movies with a bunch of people from our high school. At some point in the dream, she was in this room with a really happy baby. He was smiling away and she knew it was Preston. My friend never met Preston. It was only for a moment, but he was there. Again, why she had this dream, we'll probably never know, but I like to believe that it's because she's been reaching out and sending me a lot of words of encouragement and checking in with me often. Perhaps Preston thought, hey, can you check in with my mama today? I'd like to think that. So, thank you Liz. Thank you for your support. Thank you for checking up on me today and sharing your dream. Thank you for continuing to show your support and thank you for being you. The stories you often share on Facebook are uplifting which as we discussed today can be a place filled with negativity. I appreciate having such a source of inspiration and positivity in my life, however far away you are. :)
And thank you to everyone who continually sends me messages about seeing bunnies and rainbows and how it makes you think about Preston and me and hubby. It really means a lot that we are in your thoughts continually. Your positive energy certainly has an effect on my life and on how I'm dealing with this tragedy.
Do you remember your dreams? What's your favorite dream? I do remember one that I had when I was little. I think I was flying for a little while, in a sea of bright colored stars. And then there was a never ending domino lined game where they fall on each other and make designs. It was a really cool dream. :)
I picked the picture below from when we went to Disney in 2012. I'd never been, but I've heard, that it's the place where dreams come true :)
So dreams... I'm not one of the lucky ones that can remember dreams... at least I seldom do. When I do, half the time it's not a good dream. I really wish I could remember them. I've asked to be visited by loved ones who have passed including my little boy in my dreams. I've heard that it's easier for them to visit us on the dream "plane" than in our physical world. I've had one dream and it was right after he passed. I was asking for him to visit so I would know he was ok. I didn't get my wish, but I did have a dream that I remember - unless it's my mind playing tricks on me and I just think I dreamt it.
Hubby's grandma passed away in early 2013. She was in my dream and told me that a nice elderly woman was taking care of Preston. She said there was also a man with her and that'd they'd been in heaven awhile. I instantly thought of my "grand-mere" Annette and her husband Gilbert. My grand-mere passed away when I was 8, so that seemed to fit the bill.
The interesting thing about this is my aunt wrote me a letter soon after Preston passed away, or maybe my mom told me the story and I then read it in a letter. My aunt had a dream about her mother (my grand-mere). She hadn't had a dream about her mom since she passed away some 20+ years ago. Her mom told her that she was taking care of Preston. Perhaps that's what caused me to have my dream about hubby's grandma telling me my grand-mere was taking care of Preston? Who knows. Dreams are so interesting. I wish I remembered them more to really know...
A friend reached out to me today about a dream she had. She dreamt that she was at the movies with a bunch of people from our high school. At some point in the dream, she was in this room with a really happy baby. He was smiling away and she knew it was Preston. My friend never met Preston. It was only for a moment, but he was there. Again, why she had this dream, we'll probably never know, but I like to believe that it's because she's been reaching out and sending me a lot of words of encouragement and checking in with me often. Perhaps Preston thought, hey, can you check in with my mama today? I'd like to think that. So, thank you Liz. Thank you for your support. Thank you for checking up on me today and sharing your dream. Thank you for continuing to show your support and thank you for being you. The stories you often share on Facebook are uplifting which as we discussed today can be a place filled with negativity. I appreciate having such a source of inspiration and positivity in my life, however far away you are. :)
And thank you to everyone who continually sends me messages about seeing bunnies and rainbows and how it makes you think about Preston and me and hubby. It really means a lot that we are in your thoughts continually. Your positive energy certainly has an effect on my life and on how I'm dealing with this tragedy.
Do you remember your dreams? What's your favorite dream? I do remember one that I had when I was little. I think I was flying for a little while, in a sea of bright colored stars. And then there was a never ending domino lined game where they fall on each other and make designs. It was a really cool dream. :)
I picked the picture below from when we went to Disney in 2012. I'd never been, but I've heard, that it's the place where dreams come true :)
Monday, June 30, 2014
2 lbs
Why is it that 2 lbs is so easy to put on, but takes so much work to burn off? I guess I let myself go a little this weekend and there I am, 2 lbs heavier... grrrr. I worked really hard to get that 2 lbs off. It's not like I didn't do any exercise either. We took that hike with the super steep hill that I thought might make me collapse. I guess, I did have a huge strawberry daiquiri. I bet that had a ton of calories... and I wasn't really watching what I was eating, or how much. How many m&ms did I have? Hum... I will plead the 5th. ;)
And so, back into my cooking magazines I dove today, trying to find delicious filling meals that could help with my rapid weight fluctuation. I know, weight sometimes will fluctuate by a few pounds from day to day, but that 2 lbs really bugs me.
Tonight, I made a version of Rachael Ray's "Pulled Chipotle Chicken" for dinner. Unfortunately, this recipe can be quite time consuming. Meaning, on a weekday, it doesn't give you time to do a whole lot more. Meaning, I didn't get as long a walk as I would have liked because by the time we were done eating, the sun was almost halfway set. I still went for a small walk though - better a small one than none at all :)
I'm trying to convince myself to figure out the right train to take in to work so that I can have a nice long walk before my shift starts. There's 2 different trains I can take into downtown. One takes me a block away from work - the other would take me about 20 blocks away. The dilemma is that I already leave the house at 6am to be at work by 7:30... therefore my motivation is kind of low. I would probably mean leaving the house a good 30 minutes earlier, which would mean what, wake up at 4:30? Yuck. I'm already just getting 6.5 half hours of sleep a night during the weekdays.. I think I'll stick to my evening walks, lol
To get back to my dinner though, if you don't have left over chicken stock (which I didn't), you can then make some at the same time as you cook your chicken. I was kind of excited to do that so that I can try a recipe this week (or weekend). I found it in a "Taste of Home" magazine from last year. It's "Herbed Potato Dumplings". Sounds and looks really good. And, the kicker is that it's only 143 calories per serving. I really hope they are good, because they sure do look it. Aside from that, I really want to try an adjusted version of "Texas Tabbouleh". I don't like beans so I'd definitely be omitting those, and I think I have some couscous, so I might use that instead of bulgur, just because I might as well use what's in my pantry. If I like it, I'll really look forward to making it with my garden veggies, who just keep on growing.. well except for the peppers.. I might have to replant those :/
And so, I suppose that is my new beginnings for this week. Try new recipes to try and help re-shed this 2 lbs. I am still roaring at this 2 lbs. Why is it so easy to gain weight but it's a constant struggle to keep it off? When you think about it though, things that are difficult are often worth it. While I will always say that Preston made it easy to be a mom, it was still hard work. It was a lot of work to keep him on schedule, and make sure all his needs were fulfilled. It was hard waking up every 2.5 hours to pump and then feed him. It was hard trying to figure out all the little sounds that he made, and make sure that he was okay. When he was tiny, it was really tough to sleep without worrying about something. Heck, once he started sleeping in his nursery, I had the baby monitor on max volume and slept with it in my hand by my face so that I could hear any little sound. I did that every night, for whatever good it did. I wouldn't change it though. I'd still do the same thing again. Sure, as time passed, the time between feedings increased, but by no means is taking care of a baby an easy task. There's always a thought going through your mind to make sure that everything is taken care of. Hubby and I make a good team though and we made it work for us and for Preston.
Keep challenging yourself. You never know, you might surprise yourself by accomplishing something you never knew you could do. Maybe it'll be a really steep hill to climb on one day, or 2 lbs to shed on another, but don't give up. You can do whatever you set your heart to.
To the far left is a row of onions (you can't see much from this angle), then there's a row of tomatoes, and a square of lettuce, and the back row is beans and cucumbers. The empty squares are where my peppers are supposed to be, and kind of hidden to the far right are various herbs. It keeps on growing. My little herbs and veggies are working hard :)
I guess it's kind of a blurry shot, but we put a little "fence" around the garden to keep little critters away. Not sure if it'll keep them out, but worth the try :)
And so, back into my cooking magazines I dove today, trying to find delicious filling meals that could help with my rapid weight fluctuation. I know, weight sometimes will fluctuate by a few pounds from day to day, but that 2 lbs really bugs me.
Tonight, I made a version of Rachael Ray's "Pulled Chipotle Chicken" for dinner. Unfortunately, this recipe can be quite time consuming. Meaning, on a weekday, it doesn't give you time to do a whole lot more. Meaning, I didn't get as long a walk as I would have liked because by the time we were done eating, the sun was almost halfway set. I still went for a small walk though - better a small one than none at all :)
I'm trying to convince myself to figure out the right train to take in to work so that I can have a nice long walk before my shift starts. There's 2 different trains I can take into downtown. One takes me a block away from work - the other would take me about 20 blocks away. The dilemma is that I already leave the house at 6am to be at work by 7:30... therefore my motivation is kind of low. I would probably mean leaving the house a good 30 minutes earlier, which would mean what, wake up at 4:30? Yuck. I'm already just getting 6.5 half hours of sleep a night during the weekdays.. I think I'll stick to my evening walks, lol
To get back to my dinner though, if you don't have left over chicken stock (which I didn't), you can then make some at the same time as you cook your chicken. I was kind of excited to do that so that I can try a recipe this week (or weekend). I found it in a "Taste of Home" magazine from last year. It's "Herbed Potato Dumplings". Sounds and looks really good. And, the kicker is that it's only 143 calories per serving. I really hope they are good, because they sure do look it. Aside from that, I really want to try an adjusted version of "Texas Tabbouleh". I don't like beans so I'd definitely be omitting those, and I think I have some couscous, so I might use that instead of bulgur, just because I might as well use what's in my pantry. If I like it, I'll really look forward to making it with my garden veggies, who just keep on growing.. well except for the peppers.. I might have to replant those :/
And so, I suppose that is my new beginnings for this week. Try new recipes to try and help re-shed this 2 lbs. I am still roaring at this 2 lbs. Why is it so easy to gain weight but it's a constant struggle to keep it off? When you think about it though, things that are difficult are often worth it. While I will always say that Preston made it easy to be a mom, it was still hard work. It was a lot of work to keep him on schedule, and make sure all his needs were fulfilled. It was hard waking up every 2.5 hours to pump and then feed him. It was hard trying to figure out all the little sounds that he made, and make sure that he was okay. When he was tiny, it was really tough to sleep without worrying about something. Heck, once he started sleeping in his nursery, I had the baby monitor on max volume and slept with it in my hand by my face so that I could hear any little sound. I did that every night, for whatever good it did. I wouldn't change it though. I'd still do the same thing again. Sure, as time passed, the time between feedings increased, but by no means is taking care of a baby an easy task. There's always a thought going through your mind to make sure that everything is taken care of. Hubby and I make a good team though and we made it work for us and for Preston.
Keep challenging yourself. You never know, you might surprise yourself by accomplishing something you never knew you could do. Maybe it'll be a really steep hill to climb on one day, or 2 lbs to shed on another, but don't give up. You can do whatever you set your heart to.
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